6: Power Up Your Relationship Energy

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Welcome to Make More Love, the show for the entrepreneurial man who wants a hot and healthy marriage built on a rock solid foundation of purpose, presence and passion. I'm your host Ellen Dorian. My mission is to build a judgment free community of married businessmen, where personal growth and rewarding relationships are a central focus. We offer strategies and insights that speak to the unique life of the entrepreneur. We are all about helping you become extraordinary... in your marriage, in your business and in all the areas of your life. Before we jump in just to reminder that the Make More Love show is for information and entertainment purposes only. It is not a substitute for the guidance of a qualified mental health or medical professional.

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Today, I want to introduce the concept of relationship energy and talk about desire and passion in long-term relationships. Let's start with a little context. Something that has always bothered me about relationship advice is how abstract and ambiguous it can be. Terms like love, communication, chemistry, feelings... they're all kind of, um, squishy. Everyone has their own definition and trying to nail them down can lead to a lot of mismatched expectations. I'm a logical and analytical thinker, but I'm also emotionally intuitive, so I feel like I've got a foot in two different worlds. That's why I've made it my practice to put these squishy concepts into more concrete, logical frameworks. I hope this helps some of you get clearer about what you want and need from a relationship and what your partner might need from you.

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If you've been following along, you know, I'm all about a Passionate Partnership built on a Rock Solid Relationship, which I think of as a hot and healthy one that is strong and resilient over a lifetime. There are three components of a Rock Solid Relationship: Sensuality Solidarity and Security. Sensuality is based on reciprocal passion... that is having desire for each other. Solidarity is about intentional presence... being there for each other. And security is built on a common purpose... building a life together. So with those components in mind, let's talk about relationship energy. Relationship energy is what you think it is. It's the drive, the motivation, the actions you take, everything that goes into starting a relationship and keeping it going. It powers each of the three components I just mentioned. And this energy streams into the relationship in three forms: The first is the carnal form. ,fueling sensuality in relationships. The second is the compatible form, powering solidarity. And the third is the bonding form, bolstering security., Now, relationships most commonly get sparked by one of the first two. The carnal form is when the relationship is initiated through physical and sexual attraction. You know, you meet someone and you find them attractive as the first way you notice them. In contrast, the compatible form is where you meet someone and are drawn to them through having things in common, liking the same things. So you either start out attracted to someone and then discover or develop things in common, or you start with the things in common and develop physical attraction for them. Now. If those two don't develop,.. .If there's only carnal energy, for instance, then the relationship tends to stay superficial and usually doesn't last. And if there's only compatible energy, you'll most often end up in the friend zone. Whichever form sparks it, a relationship with strong potential will quickly draw in the other forms, often almost simultaneously, so it's not even easy to separate them. I want to give you a few examples. So you get a better idea of what I'm getting at here: Matthew McConaughey tells this story of seeing his future wife for the first time at a club. I'm not even going to try to do a Matthew accent. But here's what he said: "Out of the corner of my eye, this sort of Aqua green figure went floating across the frame about 20 feet in front of me. And I remember what came out of my mouth wasn't who is that? It was, what was that?" So that was the quote. And from my perspective, that started out in the carnal form. But, when he was asked what made him realize that she was the one, he specifically talked about herself respect and her relationship with her family. These are qualities I'd attribute to compatible energy. Another similar example is Jason Kelsey who recently retired. During his retirement speech, he gave a description of seeing his future wife for the first time. He said, "I still remember the moment she walked through the door. The first instance is burned in my retina. It was like she glided through the opening, an aura around her." That was his quote. Again, the carnal form. Now, my dad met my mom in church, so you might think...oh...compatible form. But here's how dad's best friend told it: my mom was a guest soloist, and it was the first time my dad ever saw her. He told his best friend right then that she was the one he wanted and he was going to marry her. They dated for just a couple of weeks before they got engaged. So, which form would you say sparked it? With my own husband, the first spark was compatible. He was a guest at my house for dinner with some friends. Although the carnal form was pretty intense, we started out as friends. It was his enthusiasm for doing things I wanted to do and having things in common that set that spark. So those are a few examples. The third form of relationship energy is bonding energy, which typically flows in later as a couple builds a desire to create a life together. Now I have seen a couple of relationships that I'd say started with bonding. One friend got into a car accident in college, and her classmate future husband was a casual acquaintance at the time who just showed up and started helping her out. And two or three years later, they got married. I also think arranged marriages might start with this bonding form, but I don't have much experience with those. So if you do, I'd love to hear your thoughts. You can share them in the Passionate Partners, insider community, which is our private Facebook group, or send me a private email at ellen@passionatepartnersproject.com Ideally, whatever form of energy enters the relationship first attracts the others and they combine, flowing into all three components, giving rise to a sustained and dynamic Passionate Partnership. What about you? What was the initial form of relationship energy that sparked your relationship with your partner? And at this point in your relationship, would you say all three forms are flowing? And if not, which is strongest? Which is weakest? We're going to take a quick break. And when we come back, We're going to talk about what happens when relationship energy doesn't flow. Okay, welcome back. So, when our relationship energy isn't fully flowing, it's usually due to one or more of the following scenarios, which I've ranked in least to most difficult to fix: The first possibility is that the energy gets stuck in the security component as we become obsessed with building the business. It feels like we're still putting out all the relationship energy, because as I've mentioned in other episodes, we might believe that making the business successful is the key to making the relationship successful. But it's like hitting the gas while the car is still in park. You're revving the engine, but you're not moving forward. We might not even realize the energy isn't reaching the other parts of the relationship, and then we're wondering why we're not connecting with our partners or getting the sexual attention we crave, leading to hurt and resentment. So that's the first possibility. The second possibility is that the passion is getting actively diverted from our relationship and poured into our business. This is the scenario of cheating on your wife with your business, which I talked about in the last episode. Growing a business is thrilling and it provides daily doses of dopamine. And that's very seductive, but nothing good will come from neglecting our relationships. A third possibility is that we haven't learned to integrate our work in our life, leaving us constantly drained. The demands of the business, make us preoccupied, stressed and exhausted, and we've got nothing left for our partner or even our own self care. If that's you, you might benefit from a more significant intervention. It could mean changing how you approach your business as well as your relationship. That's something I work on with my VIP clients, where we engage in a long-term strategic partnership and tackle these challenges systematically in all the domains of one's life. I've touched on some of these topics in previous episodes, although we're far from done talking about them for future episodes. I do recommend checking out those previous episodes, if you haven't already. But I haven't gone into detail about how to get passionate relationship energy flowing. So, that's what we're going to cover next. Let's pause for a moment, and when we return, we'll dive into how to reignite passionate relationship energy. Welcome back. Let's talk about Passionate Relationship Energy. When we think of passion, we often picture that initial spark of carnal energy, the fireworks present at the beginning of a relationship. There's a seductive intensity to it. You're consumed by thoughts of your partner, craving their presence and feeling alive in their company. Many people believe that this intensity is reserved for the new relationship and that it fades into a content companionship over time. Frankly, I have a hard time accepting that belief. Why should we let go of the vibrancy that comes with new passionate love? I think people believe that because they don't see how to hold onto it. They'll tell you it's impossible to sustain that level of intensity forever. Eventually we have to return to reality. But I don't think it's necessary to resign ourselves to that decline. We don't have to throw away the possibility of lifelong passion, like throwing away the candy with the wrapper. If you want to keep Passionate relationship energy in your life here are three qualities that will help you to break that down: First, it's incendiary, right? It's filled with lust, hormones and love creating a deep sense of acceptance, belonging... but also excitement. Second, it's intense. It invigorates us and creates a craving for more. And three, it's immersive. We're wrapped up in it, eager to shut out the world and never leave that blissful state. In the early stages of relationship, these qualities can seem magical, but by understanding them, we can harness and direct this energy purposefully, even as the relationship matures. Do you remember in the last episode, the story of my friend whose wife said she didn't need him to be with her a hundred percent of the time, as long as he was there a hundred percent when he was with her? Harnessing these qualities will contribute significantly to that feeling of intentional presence. And if you integrate them into your daily life, you don't have to make a big gesture or take a huge amount of time. You can focus on igniting any of these qualities through small-R "romantic encounters." For example, you can lead up to an incendiary experience with small acts of seduction that build the anticipation for a sizzling date night. Or intensify your connection by tuning into your partner's love language, showing them affection in the way they feel it most deeply. Or create an immersive experience, carving out uninterrupted time together to focus solely on each other. While it might be unrealistic to expect the full intensity of new relationship energy all the time, you can cultivate a relationship that's just as fulfilling, passionate, and vibrant through consistent attention to romantic details. As we wrap up today's discussion on relationship energy, let's strike a balance between the theoretical and the practical. We've delved into the three forms of relationship energy and explored how they fuel the components of a Rock Solid Relationship Now, let's put this knowledge into action with three steps you can take to ensure these energies are dynamically interweaving to strengthen your partnership: Step number 1: Cultivate sensuality with daily affection. Integrate small physical gestures into your everyday life, leaving out the expectation of sex in the moment. You want to weave a continual thread of carnal energy into your day-to-day life. Hold your partner's hand. Simply tell them that they're beautiful. Pat their butt. Kiss the back of their neck. Snuggle up to them on the sofa. Give them a ten second hug...that's a long time when you're hugging. Make a habit of hello and goodbye kisses. I do have one warning for you though. I recommend that you do not come up behind your partner when they are doing something like washing the dishes and start grinding on them. Maybe your partner loves it when you do this, but I know a lot of people just find it annoying and not sexy. If you're so sure your partner loves it when you do that, please do us all a favor and ask them straight out. Okay, let's move on to Number Two. Step 2 is to strengthen solidarity by mastering your partner's love language. Make an effort to show your partner attention in the way they feel it most directly. Here's where your compatible energy comes into play. Do you know your partner's love language? Actually, do you know what a love language is? If you've heard about love languages, but you don't know the specifics there's info in the P3 Insiders Community. You can head there after the show and grab it. Number 3 is to secure your bond with shared goals. Do a periodic check-in with each other to revise and revisit your shared aspirations. What future are you co-creating? You would be surprised the number of people who have this conversation on their honeymoon and then never have it again and just assume that everything's going to stay the same over a period of decades. So I'm encouraging you to revisit this topic often. Also craft explicit agreements instead of relying on assumptions. Collaborating on a shared vision, stokes the fires of bonding energy, which in turn fortifies the security in your relationship. A relationship is like a garden. You sow the seeds of passion. You water those with attentiveness. And You shield them with common purpose. And Just like a garden, if you set it up right, you only need to spend a little time each day to keep it healthy and producing rewards. Here are a few points from this episode that I hope you'll take with you: #1: Keep Your Relationship Energy Flowing. Foster a blend of carnal compatible and bonding energies to keep your relationship strong. 2: Consistency is Key. Use daily gestures of affection, weekly conversations and date nights, monthly check-ins to maintain that connection. #3: Build Toward Rock Solid. Invest equally in the sensuality, solidarity and security components of your relationship. Alright. If today's episode added value to your life, here are three quick ways to support the Make More Love show: #1: Follow and Subscribe. That's a win for you and me. #2: Share this podcast with a friend who might be struggling in their love life. It could be a game changer for them. #3: Leave a review to help more men like you find and join our community of Relationship Rockstars. And here are three ways I can support you: #1: You can visit our website and follow our social channels. #2: You can join our private and free Passionate Partners, Insider Community on Facebook.... and there's exclusive content and resources there. #3: If you'd like to explore your specific situation, book, a free Relationship Reset Call with me. Whether it's a minor tune-up or a major overhaul, we'll make a plan to get you back on track. My calendar link is in the show notes, along with everything else you need to find me including all the links and my personal email. I'll be here whenever you're ready. This is Ellen. That's what I've got for you today. Until next time, remember: What I want most in the world is for you to Make More Love in Your Life and With Your Wife.