11: Are Your Words Poisoning Your Relationship?

11: Are Your Words Poisoning Your Relationship? 


[00:00:00] Welcome to Make More Love, the show for the entrepreneurial man who wants a hot and healthy marriage as well as a successful business. I'm your host Ellen Dorian, and this is your place for straight up judgment-free conversations about merging the demands of business with the needs of a fulfilling relationship. 


[00:00:18] We're all about supporting you to be extraordinary in your personal and your professional life, living fully in every way that counts. 


[00:00:26] Before we jump in just a reminder that the Make More Love show is for information and entertainment purposes only. It is not a substitute for the guidance of a qualified mental health or medical professional. 


[00:00:39] As we start up, I hope you'll Like, Follow, Subscribe...whatever your platform calls it... to the Make More Love show. That way you won't miss anything and it'll help the show reach more people. 


[00:00:51] Today, we're talking about words, and specifically, we're talking about toxic words that might be poisoning your relationship. 


[00:01:01] Even if we don't always admit it deep down we all want to feel respected and loved and valued by our partners. You want to know that they're on your side. And the way that we talk to each other really drives this point home. The words we choose and the tone we use creates a loving environment or a toxic one. 


[00:01:23] And that brings me to my first point, which is about apple seeds. 


[00:01:27] I bet you've heard that apple seeds are poisonous, right., well, it's true. When apple seeds are digested, they break down into a highly poisonous form of cyanide that could actually kill you within minutes. 


[00:01:40] Thankfully, the poison is only released if you crush or chew on the seeds. And it's only really dangerous if you chew on a lot of apple seeds, somewhere between 150 and several thousand. 


[00:01:54] I believe the words you say to your partner or about them can be bitter and poisonous, just like apple seeds. I'm talking about the harsh words that you speak out loud, whether you say them directly to your partner or you talk about them disparagingly to other people. And it even applies to the snarky comments, the so-called zingers that you make under your breath. They might not seem like that big a deal, but in reality, every time you say something toxic, it's like crunching down on an apple seed. 


[00:02:25] So, let me lay out a couple of examples for you. Do any of these sound familiar? 


[00:02:31] "For 10 years now, I've been asking you not to leave your dirty coffee cups, lying around. Why are you such a pig?" Crunch. 


[00:02:40] "Why do you always want to start a conversation when I'm watching my show? You're so inconsiderate." Crunch crunch. 


[00:02:46] Oh, and you know what... these words... you don't even have to say them out loud for the poison to be released. It can be a thought like, 


[00:02:55] "...and his gross whiskers are all over the sink... again." 


[00:03:00] Or, "oh man, another half-baked business scheme that won't go anywhere and probably cost us the house." 


[00:03:08] Or "Dammit, what kind of person can't even do the simple thing of..." and you can fill in that blank. 


[00:03:15] Crunch crunch crunch. 


[00:03:17] These harmful words are like tiny little pops of poison in the system of your relationship. 


[00:03:23] Even if you only say or think one or two things a day, that's going to be 5 words...10 words. 


[00:03:30] And at this rate, it won't even take you a month to get to 150 poisonous word seeds. 


[00:03:36] And if you do that every month, you'll be up to 1800 in a year. 


[00:03:40] Now, multiply that by the number of years you've been together and you can see where I'm going with this. 


[00:03:46] This isn't just about words. It's about how those words shape our reality and those around us. 


[00:03:52] And if that poison has been building up in your relationship system for years, you're probably going to need some help to start detoxing. We'll talk more about that later, but I want to move on now to point number two about how perception becomes reality. , 


[00:04:08] When you get in the habit of using negative words, they erode your trust in each other. They can fundamentally change how you and your partner even see each other. 


[00:04:18] It's a pretty powerful weapon and we often don't even realize how powerful it is until the damage is already visible. Let's look at a real life example: 


[00:04:29] One of my clients, DC, shared a regret about his past behavior toward his wife. See, DC's wife wasn't a morning person, and he'd often joke to their kids, 


[00:04:42] "Mommy doesn't love anybody until she's had her coffee." 


[00:04:45] It was meant as a joke, but over time he noticed that his kids had become standoffish with their mother, especially in the mornings, and they really wouldn't warm up to her until they saw she had a coffee cup in her hand. 


[00:04:59] This wasn't his intention at all, but it hit him... THose little jokes were like those apple seeds. They were quite toxic. He didn't mean to, but he had planted a seed in his children's minds that affected how they saw their mom. 


[00:05:18] This story gets right to that point. 


[00:05:20] Sometimes, our jokes or remakes can create a narrative in ours and others' minds. We think we're just poking fun or letting off steam, but words can grow into beliefs and shape how we treat each other almost without us noticing. 


[00:05:37] Remember Archie Bunker from All In The Family? Archie's way of communicating is a constant barrage of insults that he hurls at everyone, including the people he loves most. 


[00:05:48] He calls his wife, Edith, "Dingbat" to her face and to others. 


[00:05:53] He calls his son-in-law, Mike, "Meathead." 


[00:05:55] And he calls his adult daughter, Gloria, "Little Girl." 


[00:05:59] It was all for laughs on the show, but it does give us a picture of how constant negativity, even in jest, can bleed into the characters' self perception and our perception of them. If you watched the show, you could see how the characters shifted over the seasons, where Edith was dumbed down, Mike lost his edge, and Gloria would slip into childish behaviors and tantrums. 


[00:06:24] Even though it was a scripted show, it illustrated the real-life way that persistent negative labels can influence how we see ourselves and each other. And that can happen to you and your partner too when you regularly use harsh words. You're projecting negativity onto each other. 


[00:06:40] Moving on to my third point: Complain, Don't Poison. 


[00:06:45] It's natural to have complaints about your partner, especially when you've been with them for decades. But there's a difference between healthy, venting and slow poisoning. 


[00:06:55] You might say, "Ellen, are you saying I should never complain to my partner, no matter how many times I asked them not to do the things that drive me crazy?" 


[00:07:05] And no, I'm not saying that, but there is a difference between mindless complaining and mindful communication that seeks resolution and mutual understanding. 


[00:07:14] Let me ask you... when you've complained to your partner or complained about your partner in the past, how often has that work to make them stop doing the thing that drove you crazy? And are those complaints creating any Passion in your relationship? Do they make you hot for each other? Does it work for you or your partner? If you answered yes, then explain to me how you made that work, cuz I don't see it. 


[00:07:39] Recognizing our toxic language before it builds up in our system is the biggest, hardest step here 


[00:07:44] because it's so automatic and so unconscious, but here's a few things you can do: 


[00:07:50] First: Look for signs like constant criticism, sarcasm or dismissive remarks. It may take you a while to notice that, but just pay a little more attention when you're speaking and see if you can identify any of those. 


[00:08:06] Second: Look at the nicknames you use for each other, the terms of endearment that maybe aren't so endearing and the characterizations of your partner that don't serve your desires. 


[00:08:18] Now, if you're using those, make a conscious effort to sub them out for words that strengthen your partnership. 


[00:08:25] And 


[00:08:25] If you're on the receiving end, make an explicit request to your partner to change. 


[00:08:30] I have a resource for you that could help with that, and I'll tell you more about that later. 


[00:08:36] Remember, as you're going through this process it's about progress not perfection. It's going to take a while to undo and unlearn all those habits and unconscious things that you've been doing for a long time. 


[00:08:49] And here's a pro tip: It's much easier to change the script than it is to just stop cold turkey. For example, I used to call my husband "Baby" but over time, I came to realize that that wasn't how I wanted to perceive this amazing man. So I made a conscious effort to change my term of endearment. 


[00:09:09] I tried a few different things, and I settled on a classic, "Sweetheart'" which embodies him way better than baby ever did. 


[00:09:18] So, what words and phrases come to mind in your own life that you might want to sub out? Take a minute now to nail those down in your head... one or two that you might want to retire. And then what are some alternatives that you can think of? 


[00:09:33] And like I said, if you've been doing this for years and years, You might need some help to start detoxing. 


[00:09:40] I offer my listeners a free Relationship Reset Call to help you start making these changes. It's quick. It's just 15 minutes. You and me clearing out the crap and laying out one or two steps to get your relationship thriving again and help you grow something beautiful. 


[00:09:58] Just head over to relationshipresetcall.com to book a spot. 


[00:10:03] Here are three key points that I hope you'll take away from today's episode. 


[00:10:08] #1: Just like those little apple seeds, the wrong words that seem harmless can accumulate to toxic levels and poison your love life, so let's weed those out and make more room for fun and passion. 


[00:10:22] #2: Those snarky or even just thoughtless comments... they can quietly chip away at how you see each other, shaping both a partner and a reality that you never intended and don't want. Think about what you do want and shift toward Making More Love in your life. 


[00:10:41] And #3: Complaining is one thing, but make sure that it doesn't spill over into something harmful. Structure your approach to the problem so that it motivates your partner to work on it. 


[00:10:53] I mentioned that I have a resource that can help you with this. Our Conscious Communication Script is a step-by-step guide to help you make positive change in your language. 


[00:11:04] Head over to our Passionate Partners Insider Community to grab this resource and start turning around the way you and your partner talk to each other. it's our free and private Facebook group and it's where you'll find all kinds of great resources. The link to that is in the Show Notes. 


[00:11:21] Don't let your words become a steady diet of apple seeds that you crunch on mindlessly poisoning your relationship and killing off the passion you want so much to reignite. Let's grow a perennial passion garden in your own backyard. 


[00:11:35] Alright. 


[00:11:36] I hope today's episode added value to your life. 


[00:11:39] If you'd like more support, brainstorming or ideas, here's three ways to get that: 


[00:11:44] You can join our private and free Passionate Partners Insider Community on Facebook for exclusive content and resources. 


[00:11:52] Or you can check out our website and social channels to get the scoop on all of our programs, workshops, and coaching. 


[00:11:59] And three, if you'd like to explore your specific situation, book, a free Relationship Reset call with me. Whether it's a minor tune-up or a major overhaul, we'll make a plan to get you back on track. 


[00:12:12] You can head over to relationshipresetcall.com to set that up. 


[00:12:17] The Show Notes lists out everything you need to find me, including all the links to everything I've mentioned and my personal email, 


[00:12:25] I'll be here whenever you're ready. 


[00:12:26] And here are a few things you could do to support the show: 


[00:12:30] If you haven't already please follow and subscribe. That is a win for both of us. 


[00:12:35] Then, if you could leave a review that will help our community grow. 


[00:12:39] And, if you know someone who is struggling in their own relationship, please share the show with them. It could be life-changing for them. 


[00:12:47] Thanks for spreading the word. 


[00:12:48] This is Ellen, and that's what I've got for you today. Until next time remember: What I want most in the world is for you to Make More Love... in Your Life and with Your Wife.