12: What Should We Expect from Men in Relationships?

12: What Should We Expect from Men in Relationships? 


[00:00:00] Welcome to Make More Love, the show for the entrepreneurial man who wants a hot and healthy marriage as well as a successful business. I'm your host Ellen Dorian, and this is your place for straight up judgment-free conversations about merging the demands of business with the needs of a fulfilling relationship. 


[00:00:18] We're all about supporting you to be extraordinary in your personal and your professional life, living fully in every way that counts. 


[00:00:26] Before we jump in just a reminder that the Make More Love show is for information and entertainment purposes only. It is not a substitute for the guidance of a qualified mental health or medical professional. 


[00:00:39] Today I want to talk about the dangerous myths of manhood that are damaging our relationships, but I want to discuss those against the backdrop of three pivotal social trends that are reshaping our expectations of men. 


[00:00:53] Now. I recognize that women are also experiencing many changes and societal shifts, and I don't want to minimize or ignore those. But since this show centers on men's experiences, that's where my focus is going to be. 


[00:01:07] So let's look at these trends: 


[00:01:09] Trend #1 is a redefinition of adulthood. 


[00:01:13] The American Psychological Association now recognizes that adolescence extends to the age of 25. Scientific findings have revealed that the prefrontal cortex which is critical for decision-making is not fully mature until then. Still, we grant 18 year olds a lot of autonomy in such things as entering into contracts, assuming debt, serving in the military, making medical decisions. And that's a lot of heavy decision-making before our brain development is complete. 


[00:01:46] I'm not sure that we fully identified this conflict, and therefore we have yet to reconcile society's expectations for adult responsibilities with our neurological development. 


[00:01:58] Interestingly, ancient Romans didn't consider men adults before the age of 25. They employed mentors to help them navigate to full adulthood, and similar practices occur in various cultures, ancient and modern, even today. 


[00:02:14] And so that redefinition of adulthood is the first cultural trend that's affecting modern men. 


[00:02:21] Let's move on to Trend #2, which is changes in parenting approaches. 


[00:02:27] This one has a little controversial, but I don't want to leave out the discussion.Think of it as food for thought. 


[00:02:33] Modern approaches to parenting are more aspirational than they used to be. They favor positive reinforcement, hands-on involvement, and open communication. 


[00:02:42] Modern parenting is arguably healthier compared to traditional "Command and Control" approaches, which favor conformity, enforcement, and punishment. 


[00:02:52] But... there are trade-offs. Research has shown that modern parenting approaches tend to delay self reliance, with kids taking longer to exhibit initiative, accept accountability, or live independently. 


[00:03:06] Anecdotally, employers see evidence of this trend. One of my clients told me about a job candidate who came in for an interview accompanied by his mom. She didn't actually come into the interview with her son. She just waited in the lobby, but still my client was very put off by that situation. 


[00:03:25] How about you? 


[00:03:26] What do you think about modern parenting styles and how they might be shaping the next generation of men? 


[00:03:32] I'd love to hear your thoughts on that. You can share in our Facebook group, the Passionate Partners Insider Community, or I'd be happy if you sent me a private email. I'd love to open up a dialogue with you about that. 


[00:03:44] As for me, I believe there are plenty of successful approaches to modern parenting. This is just one of many sociological factors that contribute to the changing perceptions of manhood and masculinity. I've met some really amazing kids, and I believe good work is being done to find the right balance between security and maturity. 


[00:04:05] Let's move on to Trend #3: 


[00:04:07] Cultural expectations of men are in a state of flux. 


[00:04:13] Men are grappling with a real identity shift. Traditionally, they were expected to pursue success, protect their loved ones, and provide for their families. 


[00:04:23] Now, the ideal of a man is also empathetic, emotionally intelligent, and self-aware. This mix of old expectations of stoicism and competitiveness with new standards of openness and self care represent a crossroads for modern men. 


[00:04:41] Without universal standards for what defines manhood, people mostly have to figure out what defines success for themselves. 


[00:04:49] What does manhood mean to you in today's world and how does it differ from past generations in your family or how you were raised? 


[00:04:59] There are so many changes happening and they are sometimes in conflict, but one thing I see is a real generational difference in expectations for my clients who are in their mid-thirties versus the ones who are approaching sixty. 


[00:05:14] Men in their mid-thirties today are bound up in this trap of expectations that I believe are unrealistic. My client S.J. Is a perfect example. He's 35 years old and he runs a small but thriving construction firm. Despite clear markers of success, he can't shake the feeling that he's falling short. It's a common theme among his peers, too. They are accomplished professionals... engineers, scientists, financial experts, lawyers... who feel pressured that they should have made it by now, thinking the Good Life should already be theirs. 


[00:05:49] Now, my clients who are in their fifties have a completely different read on this. They see the Good Life as the end game. They've viewed their mid thirties as the starting line, not the finish line. They look at the guys in their thirties and think that these guys just want the rewards without doing the work. 


[00:06:07] They don't see the cultural shifts that SJ and his peers are contending with. And they tend to judge these guys as having an inferior work ethic. The word "entitlement" gets thrown around a lot. 


[00:06:19] Meanwhile, the younger guys see these older ones, the boomers, as grinding away their lives, missing out on everything that makes hard work worth doing and selling out for money. 


[00:06:32] It's a very revealing snapshot of how generational differences shape our perspective. 


[00:06:38] So those are the three cultural and social trends that are the backdrop for this changing set of expectations for men in our society. 


[00:06:48] I just want to review those one more time. 


[00:06:50] #1 is a revised understanding of adulthood. 


[00:06:54] #2 is new parenting models that have the effect of delaying maturity. 


[00:07:00] #3 is cultural expectations of men that are currently in a state of flux. 


[00:07:06] That's a lot to take in all by itself, but it's especially interesting to look at how these trends are having an impact on men's roles in relationships. 


[00:07:15] Next, we'll look at those three dangerous myths I mentioned, and I'll walk you through three new directions to evolve how we operate from a masculine paradigm in a more collaborative and emotionally intelligent way. 


[00:07:29] Before we get into the next part. I just want to share something that I'm offering to my listeners. 


[00:07:34] A lot of you've been reaching out with questions about your own relationships, and I want to help. So I'm offering my listeners a free Relationship Reset Call. 


[00:07:43] It's a quick 15 minutes with just you and me. 


[00:07:46] We'll figure out what problem to tackle first. 


[00:07:49] Then we'll lay out a plan with one or two steps to get you moving in the right direction. 


[00:07:53] And after that, if you'd like more help I'll let you know how to get it. 


[00:07:57] If you let your relationship go to shite, the cost to your financial, social and emotional wellbeing is enormous. 


[00:08:04] It will truly put a dent in your armor. So let's not let that happen. 


[00:08:08] Head over to relationshipresetcall.com to grab your spot. Let's get you on a trajectory to Make More Love... in Your Life and With Your Wife. 


[00:08:18] All right back to those dangerous myths. 


[00:08:21] Traditionally men have been measured by their ability to Pursue, Protect, and Provide. I'm sure you've heard these terms. Your dad, your grandpa and all of their dads.... they all probably grew up with this mindset and never questioned what it was to be a man. They knew those three words. 


[00:08:40] I'm not saying there aren't good aspects to those three paradigms, but there is a dark side to them as well. I see this every day as I coach married entrepreneurial men. That simple, old paradigm that we've taken on faith for generations is actually pretty harmful and somewhat distancing. 


[00:08:58] They create barriers to men being who they want to be. They block them from having the kinds of relationships they want to have. And, they get in the way of living their best life. 


[00:09:08] In addition, this approach is being rejected by their partners, leaving men scrambling to find ways to get the respect, appreciation, and sexual intimacy they crave. 


[00:09:20] So next, I'm going to talk about why I think these three myths are harmful, and I'll propose a fresh approach to reshape these roles into a more collaborative and emotionally intelligent form of relating. 


[00:09:33] I'm proposing that we shift to something new. 


[00:09:36] The first shift is from. Pursuing to Attracting. 


[00:09:41] When we talk about pursuers, we're talking about men who go out and get what they want, whether it's financial success, the woman that they want, or really any goal they set out to achieve. 


[00:09:52] Being a pursuer has its strengths. It's empowering to express your intentions clearly and demonstrate your abilities. However, this approach can also be isolating and may lead you to resent the imbalance of effort, especially in relationships. 


[00:10:08] It can also show up as having difficulty letting go of control and rejecting support because you feel you shouldn't rely on others. And this can drain you, affecting both your business and your personal life. 


[00:10:21] So let's shift our focus. Instead of chasing what we want and being a pursuer, let's attract it instead. Adopting an attraction mindset draws people into your life. Confidence and openness make you someone other people want to be around. It eases the pressure on you and fosters a healthier relationship. If your partner feels they can approach you and it won't feel like competition to you, it enhances your connection. 


[00:10:47] Let's move on to 


[00:10:49] Shift Number Two, and that is from the Protector role to an Advocate's role. 


[00:10:55] When we talk about being a protector, a lot of men get an image in their heads of being a human shield for our loved ones, fighting off attackers. 


[00:11:04] But the opportunity to fight off bears and marauders just doesn't come up as often as it used to. And this instinct often mutates more into shielding our loved ones from our own vulnerabilities... our fears, our doubts, our struggles, our negative feelings. This can inadvertently make our partners feel underestimated rather than protected, like you don't trust them with the more vulnerable side of yourself. 


[00:11:32] We need to shift the focus away from ourselves, where we are isolating our partners from our vulnerabilities, and instead, use that protective instinct to advocate for your partner's aspirations. Show them unwavering support, celebrate their success openly, and reassure them of your belief in their capabilities. This approach not only empowers them, but it also fosters a deeper mutual respect and connection. 


[00:12:00] Here's how this shows up in my life: 


[00:12:02] When my husband first listened to this podcast, not only did he tell me it was fabulous, which of course you'd expect him to do, right? But, he also shared it with everyone he knew. He sent out an email to his friends, his family, his coworkers. He shows his belief in me every day by supporting and promoting my efforts. And I'm a champion for him and everything he wants to achieve in his life. 


[00:12:26] All right, let's move on to the third shift. 


[00:12:29] Shift Number Three is from Provider to Investor. 


[00:12:33] This transition can be especially challenging, as many men have grown up with the belief that their value is tied to their ability to financially support others. 


[00:12:43] The whole idea of the provider, which many of us learned very early in life, sometimes traps men into thinking that they have to be the main breadwinner. 


[00:12:52] But modern relationships require flexibility and shared responsibilities, especially when you add business ownership to the mix. 


[00:13:00] But there's something even more important, in my view, than that...and that is that we do not want to perpetuate transactional thinking in our relationships. 


[00:13:10] Historically, men were expected to provide financial support, and in return they expected homemaking, child rearing, and sex. 


[00:13:20] But, any hint of transactional thinking reinforces unequal power dynamics and causes lasting damage to the passion in your relationship. 


[00:13:30] When you have a Provider mindset, it's easy to believe that it's a one-way outflow of cash. 


[00:13:37] I've heard some men refer to themselves as a human ATM, and that is indicative of this idea that it's a one-way outflow of financial resources to other people. 


[00:13:48] Instead, adopting an Investor mindset transforms the relationship into a joint venture where both partners benefit. This approach fosters equality and equity. It demonstrates that both partners bring value to the table, which strengthens their bond and creates a mutually supportive future. 


[00:14:08] We're all navigating the complexities of modern relationships. For guys, this means adapting to the new rules as well as reconciling with the old rules that are so ingrained. Success in this arena hinges on open communication self-awareness and the flexibility to find common ground with our partners, so everyone can win. 


[00:14:30] Here are three key points that I hope you will take away from this episode: 


[00:14:35] # 1 is about adjusting adult maturity expectations 


[00:14:40] New scientific evidence, along with modern parenting styles, both point to the understanding that full maturity extends into our mid twenties. We must adjust our expectations in relationships to accommodate for these new, psychological and sociological influences. 


[00:14:56] #2 is modernizing masculine roles 


[00:15:00] The old and new rules of masculinity are merging. Traditional roles emphasize stoicism and providing, while modern roles call for emotional openness and collaboration. 


[00:15:12] A new model of manhood will emerge over time from this current state of flux. But in the meantime, men have to set their own standards for achieving manhood. 


[00:15:21] #3 is evolving from traditional to collaborative relationships. 


[00:15:28] As ideas about masculinity change, men are expected to cultivate a deeper understanding of emotions and relationship dynamics. 


[00:15:35] Men can benefit greatly by becoming both an ally and a strategic partner with their spouse. This new approach will result in a more fulfilling and more passionate love life, as well as a more successful future for your relationship. 


[00:15:50] Alright. 


[00:15:51] I hope today's episode added value to your life. 


[00:15:54] If you'd like more support, brainstorming or ideas, here's three ways to get that: 


[00:15:59] You can join our private and free Passionate Partners Insider Community on Facebook for exclusive content and resources. 


[00:16:08] Or you can check out our website and social channels to get the scoop on all of our programs, workshops, and coaching. 


[00:16:14] And three, if you'd like to explore your specific situation, book, a free Relationship Reset call with me. Whether it's a minor tune-up or a major overhaul, we'll make a plan to get you back on track. 


[00:16:27] You can head over to relationshipresetcall.com to set that up. 


[00:16:33] The Show Notes lists out everything you need to find me, including all the links to everything I've mentioned and my personal email, 


[00:16:40] I'll be here whenever you're ready. 


[00:16:42] And here are a few things you could do to support the show: 


[00:16:45] If you haven't already please follow and subscribe. That is a win for both of us. 


[00:16:51] Then, if you could leave a review that will help our community grow. 


[00:16:55] And, if you know someone who is struggling in their own relationship, please share the show with them. It could be life-changing for them. 


[00:17:02] Thanks for spreading the word. 


[00:17:04] This is Ellen, and that's what I've got for you today. Until next time remember: What I want most in the world is for you to Make More Love... in Your Life and with Your Wife.