13: Insights From Ted Lasso About Men and Relationships

Ellen Dorian [0:00 - 19:37]: Welcome to make more love, the show for the entrepreneurial man who wants a hot and healthy marriage as well as a successful business. I'm your host, Ellen Dorian, and this is your place for straight up, judgment free conversations about merging the demands of business with the needs of a fulfilling relationship. We're all about supporting you to be extraordinary in your personal and your professional life, living fully in every way that counts. If you're new to the show, please don't forget to, like, follow, subscribe, whatever your favorite podcast platform calls it so you don't miss anything. And it would be great if you could share with a friend, too. Before we jump in, just a reminder that the make more love show is for information and entertainment purposes only. It is not a substitute for the guidance of a qualified mental health or medical professional. I'm starting today with a public service announcement. You might have noticed that there was no make more love episode last week. I took some downtime because I underwent a colonoscopy. My dad passed away from colon cancer at the age of 58, so I get screened every five years. It's a crucial step that everyone should consider, starting at the age of 50 or even earlier if you have a family history like mine or other risk factors. TMI, you say, maybe so, but I'm sharing it with you because this ties into a central theme of the passionate Partners project, and that is living the good life. My dad missed out on so much, his kids weddings, his grandchildren, the Cape house that he and my mom bought just before he was diagnosed. Most importantly, he missed out on the good life that he planned and dreamed of sharing with his wife. Now think about your own life. What are the significant moments and joys that you don't want to miss? Are they worth enduring a couple of days of discomfort once every five or ten years? You bet your ass they are. End of public service announcement one of the best parts about downtime is the chance to relax and dial down the intensity. While I had my downtime, I watched the first two seasons of Ted Lasso. Again, it's one of my favorite shows. You might assume that being a sports based show, Ted Lasso would focus primarily on sports, but it doesn't. The sports story is really just a backdrop against which we observe the characters personal growth, relationships, and struggles. As I watched, I was reflecting on how the show connects with the themes we discussed in our last episode of make more love. We talked about societal shifts, extended adolescence, modern parenting, and evolving beliefs that are redefining masculinity. Today. These changes are reshaping traditional male roles like the pursuer, protector, and provider, driving men toward greater emotional openness and vulnerability. And we talked about how all of this is in flux, with many men feeling trapped between the old and the new expectations. Ted Lasso offers an up to the minute look at how these dynamics unfold through its characters. The show excellently portrays men grappling with the complex, often conflicting demands of modern masculinity. Let's have a look at these characters. You might even notice reflections of your own experiences, or you might end up thinking, I'm a little too much into Ted Lasso, but whatever. Let's dive in. But just before we do that, I want to share something that I'm offering for my listeners. A lot of you have been reaching out with questions about your own relationships, and I want to help. So I'm offering my listeners a free relationship reset call. It's a quick 15 minutes with just you and me. We'll figure out what problem to tackle first. Then we'll lay out a plan with one or two steps to get you moving in the right direction. And after that, if you'd like more help, I'll let you know how to get it. If you let your relationship go to shite, the cost to your financial, social and emotional well being is enormous. It will truly put a dent in your armor. So let's not let that happen. Head over to relationshipresetcall.com to grab your spot. Let's get you on a trajectory to make more love in your life and with your wife. All right, we're back. So first, let's have a look at how the show illustrates last episode's points about extended adolescence and parenting styles, starting with the players and pub fans, most of whom are in their twenties. They're not married, they don't have kids, and they don't own homes. Jamie Tartt may be the poster child for extended adolescence. Initially, he struggles with responsibility, empathy and teamwork, and his relationship with his mother is very interesting as well. Later on, though, he does show significant personal growth. He really works on himself and other characters like Sam and Danny and Nate. And the pub regulars, Paul, Baz, and Jeremy, also reflect this modern developmental phase. I'd also like to talk about the modern parenting styles point from last time. When we turn to parenting, both coach Beard and Ted act as father figures to the team. Their coaching style, which is focused on encouragement, personal growth and emotional support, mirrors a modern parenting approach that values involvement and nurturing. Conversely, when you look at Roy and Nate, they're more old school with a more authoritative and punitive style. Higgins and may also represent more traditional parenting styles. Higgins is sort of a fantasy father figure. He's the dad everyone wants to have or to be, but very few people actually experience. Meanwhile, Mae is a pretty traditional maternal figure. I also think her character represents the outside world where these not fully made men show up and sometimes need parenting outside of their family ties. So those are the first two points. And now I want to look at how the characters navigate modern manhood. I find these characters surprisingly complex and so you may interpret them completely differently than I do. And I'd love to hear your thoughts, which you can share in the passionate partners Insider community, which is our free and private Facebook group. Or feel free to drop me a personal email so we can exchange ideas. You'll find all the coordinates for that in the show notes alright, let's look at these characters in detail. First, we have Ted Lasso and Ted is this compassionate optimist type. Ted's relentless positivity and empathy inspires loyalty through his emotional openness and kindness. But on the minus side, he does sometimes avoid his deeper personal issues and his mental health, which has a negative impact on his personal growth and his effectiveness at times. Let's look at coach Beard next. On the plus side, he is an encyclopedia. His wisdom is a cornerstone of the team's success. On the minor side, he is a lone wolf. His private life is very private. He doesn't seek out a lot of companionship. He doesn't ask for help even when he needs it. So those are some of the downsides of being this kind of independent strategist. Now let's move on to Roy Kent. He's a stereotype of the traditional alpha athlete, right? But underneath that tough exterior, he really does demonstrate a lot of vulnerability and emotional openness. He shows that you can be a man's man and still be emotionally intelligent and vulnerable when needed. On the minus side, the guy has real anger management issues. And as it's pointed out in the show, when he can't express his anger productively, it eats away at him and causes a lot of personal pain. Let's move on to Jamie Tartt, who is the talented narcissist. He evolves from this self centered star player to eventually a team player who values community, but it takes him a while. The plus side of him is that he does embrace humility and learn the value of teamwork. The downside is his arrogance and his raw talent because it's not channeled in a positive way, actually alienates other people and causes him more problems than it should. Moving on. Higgins is an interesting, underrated character. In his personal life, he's that fantasy dad. In his work life, he isn't quite the same good guy because at least through most of the series, he will not tell truth to power. He does learn eventually how to do that, but he starts out definitely being too much of a people pleaser, and that makes it hard to fully buy his ideal family man role outside the office. Moving on to Nate, a cautionary tale about the destructive impact of unchecked insecurity. He goes through the most dramatic transformation of any character. His resentment and insecurity lead to a negative transformation. Then he is redeemed and becomes a valuable part of the organization. So moving on to Danny Rojas, he's what you think the show is going to be about. A bunch of footballers just enjoying every minute of this dream life that they have. Danny is the eternal cheerleader. His positivity makes him a one dimensional character. He's an interesting parallel with Ted, whose own one dimensional positivity destroyed his marriage and insulated him from real life. And the next character I want to talk about is Isaac McAdoo, who becomes the captain of the team after Roy retires. Isaac represents imposter syndrome best of any of the characters. You can see how uncomfortable he is with leadership, and eventually he learns to embrace his role as a leader. The big struggle that he has is that his expectations for himself and the team are so high that they cause him to be isolated from the team rather than being part of the team. For those of us who are leading teams in our businesses, I think this is a really good lesson to learn. If people feel like they can never please you, it actually is counterproductive. The last character I'm going to talk about is Trent Crimm. And what I think is really interesting about Trent is that he has such a high level of integrity when he talks about the team, when he talks about Ted, when he talks to Ted, when he goes through the scenes he does with Colin, I think that if we're looking for role models of modern masculinity with integrity, Trent is a good one. Okay, those are the characters that I wanted to discuss. I want to give a special shout out to the show for its respectful portrayal of women. I love this series the way that it portrays women because it normalizes gender equality, portraying women in positions of power as a natural aspect of its universe. There's not a lot of discussion about female exceptionalism in it. This is just talented women doing what they are good at. And I especially love it that most of the time, it's not pointed out that there they are, these women breaking ground in the male dominated world of sports. And you are welcome to disagree with me. I'm not saying it's never there, but I am saying that it's there to a much lesser degree than other stuff that's out there. I'm looking at you, Barbie. So that's my summary of the characters and their strengths and weaknesses. Each character challenges traditional masculine expectations in some way and contributes to a broader conversation about masculinity. So what's important about these characters and what can we learn from them? Here are some important things that you might apply to your own life. The first one is embracing vulnerability and humility. Ted's willingness to look dumb proves that you can be authentic and not be afraid to admit when you don't know something or when you've made a mistake. The second one is to be a champion for your partner. We talked about being an advocate as well as a protector for our partner. In the previous podcast episode, Roy offers a blueprint for how to do that. His respectful and supportive attitude toward women, especially in his relationship with Keeley, his niece Phoebe, and the women in his yoga class. All of that comes down to supporting women in their professional and personal lives, recognizing their contributions, and creating an inclusive environment. No one would expect that from a guy like Roy, but he does it like a master. Number three is to commit to personal development. It's tempting to find your comfort zone and then stay in it. But honestly, if you stay in one place, you end up losing ground because the world will move forward without you. Jamie Tartt went through that. He was a star. Then he became a liability. Then the team moved on without him. Then he went through a period of adversity. Then he worked on his own personal development, and then he was able to come back and be a true partner to the team. And if you're willing to work on yourself, it can be the same with you and your partner in your relationship. The fourth lesson is confidence without arrogance. Coach Beard shows that being knowledgeable doesn't mean that you have to constantly assert your superiority. That can mean leading your team at work with quiet confidence. It can also mean holding back on your opinions and problem solving in your relationship until you are asked to do that. That's such a stereotypical example, but I do think that it's a really good application of that here. Okay, the last lesson is self worth. Nate's story shows the damaging effects of insecurity and self loathing. You might think it only affects you. But I promise, when you don't love yourself, that spills all over the people who are closest to you. When we talked about the hierarchy of relationship needs a few episodes back, the foundation of that hierarchy was physical, mental and emotional health. You cannot be healthy if you don't have self worth, and you cannot make anyone else feel safe, which is the next level up if you aren't healthy. So if you feel unworthy to be who you are, or to be in the position you are, or to have the things and the people around you that you do, this unworthiness is a real risk to you getting to live the good life with your passionate partner. If you're listening to this show, I'm assuming you want that good life, and if so, building your self worth independent of external validation and taking care of yourself needs to be at the top of your list. I hope you can relate to this. As a business owner, it's easy to think your life is all about growing that business, but it's not. Your business is just one part of your whole story. Your identity encompasses much more. Your health, your personal development, your relationships, and your life outside of work are the most valuable things for you to invest in. Okay, here are three key points I hope you'll take away from today's episode. Number one is about observing modern masculinity in action. From the Ted Lasso characters, we can observe a practical application of the shifting perceptions of modern masculinity. They illustrate how modern masculinity includes a balance of empathy, vulnerability and strength. Every character has their flaws and imperfections, showing us that we don't have to be perfect. But by studying their interactions and growth, we can learn how to apply these evolving traits to our own lives, leading to healthier relationships and more effective leadership. Number two is about success through attraction, advocacy and investment. We talked about those three shifts in the last episode. Attracting, advocating for and investing in others is the key to success, happiness and growth, both in our relationships and in our business. True success and happiness come from how we treat and invest in the people around us. Instead of only focusing on business achievements, prioritize building meaningful connections. Advocate for your partners and colleagues, celebrate their success and invest in their growth. And key point number three is that everything good in life starts from our inner mental gain. Characters like Jamie and Nate show us the importance of confronting our insecurities and embracing vulnerability. Commit to continuous self improvement and be open about your struggles. Your inner work will strengthen your mental gain, enabling you to build stronger relationships and achieve long lasting success. Now, breaking out of traditional masculine expectations is not a DIY project. Having someone in your corner is key to tackling any of these challenges. Our passionate partners Insider community is a supportive, judgment free zone to find like minded folks you can lean on. Also, say the word and I'm here to help you lay out a plan of attack. You can set up a free relationship reset call to chat about it. The link for that is@relationshipresetcall.com dot all right, I hope today's episode added value to your life. If you'd like more support, brainstorming or ideas, here's three ways to get that you can join our private and free passionate partners Insider community on Facebook for exclusive content and resources. Or you can check out our website and social channels to get the scoop on all of our programs, workshops, and coaching. And three if you'd like to explore your specific situation, book a free relationship reset call with me. Whether it's a minor tune up or a major overhaul, we'll make a plan to get you back on track. You can head over to relationshipresetcall.com to set that up. The show notes lists out everything you need to find me, including all the links to everything I've mentioned and my personal email. I'll be here whenever you're ready, and here are a few things you can do to support the show. If you haven't already, please follow and subscribe. That is a win for both of us. Then if you could leave a review that will help our community grow. 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