16: Relationship Dynamics and The DIVCON Scale

Welcome to Make More Love, the show for the entrepreneurial man who wants a hot and healthy marriage as well as a successful business. I'm your host Ellen Dorian, and this is your place for straight up judgment-free conversations about merging the demands of business with the needs of a fulfilling relationship. We're all about supporting you to be extraordinary in your personal and your professional life, living fully in every way that counts. If you're new to the show, please don't forget to like follow, subscribe, whatever your favorite podcast platform calls it. So you don't miss anything. And it would be great if you could share with a friend too. Before we jump in just a reminder that the Make More Love show is for information and entertainment purposes only. It is not a substitute for the guidance of a qualified mental health or medical professional. Today, we're going to explore the various states of relationship health, and how to get support for those. Relationships go through many stages, and even those aren't usually a straight line. So different episodes cover different levels of relationship health. Some episodes, focus on bringing back fun and passion. Others are about reconnecting on a deeper level. Some tackle more serious problems and a few of them help you figure out where your relationship stands right now. I hope you're at least considering trying out some of what you've learned by listening to the show. I wanted to make it as easy as possible for you to take action and I needed a way to help you decide which episodes are most relevant to your specific situation. So like anyone who's ever seen the movie war games, my mind went to DEFCON Levels. In case you're not familiar. DEFCON or Defense Readiness Condition is an alert state used by the United States Army to indicate how severe a threat might be. I want to review those levels quickly, cause there's quite a bit of confusion out there. DEFCON 5 indicates Normal Readiness, the lowest state of readiness everyday life. DEFCON 4 indicates Above Regular Readiness. That's increased vigilance and stronger security. DEFCON 3 is Heightened Readiness, with the air force ready to mobilize within 15 minutes. DEFCON 2 is Near Nuclear War. The army is ready to deploy within six hours And DEFCON on 1 is Imminent or Ongoing Nuclear War, with an immediate response required. And just as the DEFCON levels assess military readiness, I want to apply a similar concept to relationships. So I've created what I'm calling the divorce risk condition or DIVCON scale to help you understand the health of your relationship. These levels would provide you with a baseline assessment. Though daily ups and downs are natural. People are resilient and can bounce back from even serious issues with the right motivation, strategies, skills, tools, and support. Okay. So let's run through this Divorce Risk Condition DIVCON system that I've created for you. When you're at DIVCON 5, everyday life feels stable and normal and on the hierarchy of needs, you've reached that passion level. You need to fuel your relationship with dedicated time, attention, and energy to keep boredom from setting in. The main thing to watch out for is neglecting the small actions that used to ignite passion and keep things exciting. Look, every relationship settles down to some degree. So it might be hard to recognize the insidiousness of the decline that's creeping in. Here's a story about one of my clients, DH DH and his wife started out with a very intense and exciting relationship. They had so much in common they couldn't even believe it. Within three months they were living together, racking up favorites: favorite restaurants, favorite snacks, favorite TV shows, bar bands, sex positions. Hey, when something works as well as they did why mess with it? But 10 years and two kids later, the routines that once drew them together had gotten old. They didn't even talk because they thought they knew everything about each other. DH didn't like where they were headed, so he asked me to help him find a solution. We worked out a strategy to inject more intimate intensity into the relationship. It made a big impression on DH's wife and she started finding ways to surprise him too. And now they know each other at a much deeper level than they ever imagined. Now I'm not going to go into detail about the strategies we designed. But some of the previous episodes of the show should be very helpful for you if you are feeling this story. You should check out. Episode 7: Master Date Nights and Episode 10: Adventures to Deepen Your Relationship. It might be a good idea to go back and listen to those two over again. But for those of you just want to sit back and enjoy the show. Here are three practical tips. 1. Make Date Night More Special by setting a date and plan in advance. It breaks the routine and gives you both something to look forward to. And this tip also applies to the next point, 2. Try new things. Keep the excitement alive by trying new activities together, both inside and outside the bedroom. To be honest. If you want to do something out of the ordinary, especially in the bedroom that takes planning, preparation and privacy. Wow. And today's show is brought to you by the letter P. 3. Connect Daily. When your at DIVCON 5, that's normal daily life, and it's easy to get caught up in logistics. So, make a conscious effort to connect every day, even if it's just for 10 minutes, as long as you are completely focused on your partner you'd be surprised how deeply you can connect in such a short time. Okay. Let's move on to DIVCON 4, which is Increased Concern Needing Awareness. This level often feels more like roommates than lovers. It's routine and it lacks passion. Sex is less frequent and the sex you have is less inspiring. People complain about tiredness you and your partner might frequently beg off from intimacy of all kinds out of exhaustion, and some of that will always be justified because we live hectic busy lives. But tiredness can also indicate that one or both of you are avoiding bringing up hard topics, or resentments or building up leading to increasing emotional distance. Interestingly, this is where fighting tends to increase. And that's actually a good sign because you still have expectations of each other and you still care when those are not met. In other words, you still give a shit. If DIVCON 4 sounds familiar to you, you should be sure to listen to Episode 5: Why Work-Life Balance Won't Protect Your Relationship, and Episode 6: Power Up your Relationship Energy. Both of those episodes are loaded with tips to help you with this stage. But here's three short tips for you right now. 1. Nip this in the bud. I'm telling you, don't let this continue to slide. From this point forward every day you're creeping closer to the abyss. So, make a promise to yourself that you're going to halt that slide and then follow through. 2. Start practicing gratitude. Every day, acknowledge something that you appreciate about your partner, whether you tell them or whether you just think it to yourself. It's almost stupid-simple, right? But this one act can shift the focus from negativity to positivity and help you reconnect with your partner for more emotional and physical intimacy. An example of stupid-simple: I thank my husband for taking out the trash, even though he does it every week. He thanks me for making dinner, even though I do it most nights, we'd be justified in just taking these things for granted, but I see them as no-brainer ways to show appreciation. A question for you: How often do you express appreciation and gratitude toward your partner? If it's not a regular habit, how do you think this could be impacting your relationship's overall health? And, what do you think would happen if you did start expressing appreciation for those everyday things? Why not try that for a week and see what happens? 3. Double down on your efforts to communicate daily with your partner. Now, I talked about this in the last tip, and I know it's hard to come up with new topics and exciting moves to keep your relationship fired up. In future episodes I'll be sharing

some of my

Insider Secrets for Modern Relationship Heroes, but in the meantime, here's something you could check out: It is called Table Topics: Couple's Edition. It's 135 conversation-starting cards tailored for couples. I'm including a link for you to get this on Amazon, and if you buy it through this link, I'll get a little commission, but don't worry. It won't cost you anymore. The product link is in the show notes and also in the Passionate Partners, Insider Community, which is our private and free Facebook group. So, if you're not a member and you'd like to join, there's a link for that in the show notes as well. Moving on escalating to DIVCON 3: Heightened Risk. The relationship is breaking down slowly enough that you might not really notice, but everything feels stagnant, like it will never be amazing again. Now you may have come across the leadership lesson of the Boiled Frog. Here's a quick version of that: If you drop a frog into a pot of boiling water, it will sense the danger and jump right back out. But, if you gently place a frog into a pot of cool water, and then you put it on the stove the frog will eventually cook, because it gets acclimated to the rising heat levels and it doesn't realize it's in danger until it's too late. Now, I do not advocate boiling frogs, but I do appreciate a metaphor that sticks in one's head and that one sticks in mine, for sure. That said, please don't do this. Please don't try this at home. The thing to notice is when partners start cultivating separate lives with no sex or fun together. Like for instance, you go to poker night on Wednesday,

then

it's Thirsty Thursday, you help a friend out on Friday, you play golf on Saturday, and you watch the game with the guys on Sunday. Meanwhile, your partner has pickleball on Monday, yoga on Tuesday, Sip Paint on Friday, and weekend trips with friends that exclude partners. You're no longer integral to each other's lives and you're resigned to it. And this is what I call Loveless Limbo. If they haven't shown up already, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling, which are major predictors of divorce in Dr. John Gottman's work, are definitely going to show up now. And if they're not brought under control, the relationship will not survive. Here are three practical tips for tackling DIVCON 3: Heightened Risk. 1. Deep Introspection. You've got to take a hard look at your own behavior and your own traits. Identify the aspects of yourself that contribute to the stagnation and work on changing those. This will involve mastering and directing your attention, and becoming present. And these are big themes in my work. 2. Deep Conversation. Sit down with your partner and let them know that you don't want your life to continue this way. Express your desire to reconnect and rebuild the passion in the relationship. It is very possible that your partner doesn't know that you care or even notice. If social media is to be believed in any way, most women think that most men have no interest in making their relationships better. So let your partner know that that is not true of you. 3. Create a Deliberate Plan for Shared Activities. This might be a little challenging because you might not want to give up on your social life, but it's absolutely crucial that you start doing some things together again. My agreement with my husband is we aim to spend more evenings together than we do apart. A bare minimum should be two evenings per week and at least one full weekend day, depending on your work schedule. Now, one of these could be a date night, but I'm not even talking about date nights. I'm talking about opportunities for collaboration, connection, developing, shared interests. And little by little, you need to wean yourself away from friend groups or social events that exclude your partner. Everybody goes on a guys trip or a girl's trip every once in a while, but it shouldn't be something that you do frequently. And one more thing. It's time to seek an outside perspective. At this stage, you're really kind of past the DIY approach. It's essential to get some outside objective perspectives, both to help you and to help you bring your relationship back online. In the Relationship Reset Calls I offer, one of the things I do is I help people strategize what an emotional support team should look like for them. And then I help people find the resources they need. By implementing these three tips, you can address the stagnation and work toward a more connected and fulfilling relationship. You can find a few ideas to help you with this in Episode 3, which is on Why You Should Keep Working on Your Relationship, and in. Episode 11, which is about Toxic Words. Before we move on to DIVCON 2, I want to give you more information about how you can schedule that Relationship Reset Call.

A lot of you've been reaching out with questions about your own relationships, and I want to help. So I'm offering my listeners a free Relationship Reset Call. It's a quick 15 minutes with just you and me. We'll figure out what problem to tackle first. Then we'll lay out a plan with one or two steps to get you moving in the right direction. And after that, if you'd like more help I'll let you know how to get it. If you let your relationship go to shite, the cost to your financial, social and emotional wellbeing is enormous. It will truly put a dent in your armor. So let's not let that happen. Head over to relationshipresetcall.com to grab your spot. Let's get you on a trajectory to Make More Love... in Your Life and With Your Wife.

And we're back. Moving on to DIVCON 2 t:he Imminent Risk of Divorce. At this level, your relationship has become a cold war, filled with quiet hostility and deep resentments. And I call it a cold war because everyone's keeping secrets and both partners' behaviors are unpredictable. There's a lot of contempt and criticism, and partners often keep to themselves. Couples counseling may be happening, but it might feel like it's too late. This stage is characterized by separate bedrooms, talking negatively about your partner to family and friends, fantasizing about, or even actually contacting divorce lawyers. If you are a DIVCON 2, here's my advice. 1. Assess Your Willingness. Ask yourself if you are not only able but also willing to do the work to repair the relationship. Understanding your commitment level is crucial, because all the other tips and strategies that I've given you rely on a genuine desire to stay together. 2. Seek Professional Help. You might need both one-on-one support from a coach or a therapist to gain clarity about your emotions and decisions, AND couples work together to resolve the issues. If you're unsure about whether you should choose a coach or a therapist, set up a Relationship Reset Call with me, and we will go through a process to help you make that decision. This is a place for real courage. Professional help provides objective insights and tools to navigate this challenging phase and maybe offer you some tailored strategies for your situation. 3. Try to discern where you might be going off track. Listen to Episode 4 on Relationship Dynamics to understand the Hierarchy of Needs and the Spiral of Decline. Gaining deeper insights into your relationship dynamics might make addressing these issues easier than you thought. I also recommend you listen to episode nine, Which is the one called Men Are Not Clueless. All right. We've reached DIVCON 1, which is Almost the Point of No Return. The relationship is in a hot war. With constant fighting and no desire to improve, partners are stuck together, not wanting to give up or to start fresh. Even the four horsemen aren't hanging around because you really don't care about each other enough to exhibit those behaviors. If you've ever seen the movie, The War of The Roses, that's what this is like. Here are my practical tips if you find yourself at DIVCON 1. And this is some heavy stuff, but look, you're in a bad place. 1. Find Neutral Ground. If possible, move apart, at least temporarily to gain some breathing room. Not everyone can or wants to do this, but having your own physical space can provide emotional clarity, help you understand your true feelings, and decide on some next steps. 2. Preserve or Recover Your Honor. If you've gotten to this stage, chances are you have done or are doing some things you're not very proud of. And that can eat away at your self esteem and damage your own sense of honor. My advice to you is to stop the open hostility and strive to at least be polite and respectful towards your partner, for your own sake as much as for theirs. Aim to regain your own sense of integrity and doing the right thing. Maintaining your honor preserves your self-respect and helps you look back without regret, regardless of the relationship outcome. 3. Repair the Relationship, whether you decide to stay together or not. Repairing the relationship will be crucial, especially if you have children, as you're going to continue to be part of each other's lives, whether you like it or not. So the repairing the relationship fosters a healthier environment for your children and allows for more amicable future interactions. I cannot say that any episodes I've developed so far address this level of relationship decline, because it's my deepest hope that you never reach DIVCON 1. This situation is best handled by getting one-on-one help. This is a perfect time to set up that Relationship Reset Call. Now that we've defined the DIVCON levels let's summarize how you can address the issues at each stage. Each level requires a different approach to get your relationship back on track. At DIVCON 5 focus on adding excitement and variety. At DIVCON 4 work on attentiveness and gratitude. DIVCON 3 requires honest communication and deliberately restoring the connection between the two of you. DIVCON 2 calls for reflection, discussion, and professional support. And DIVCON 1 comes down to preserving your own honor and humanity, so you can make tough decisions with a clear head and a healed heart. Understanding your relationship DIVCON level is the first step to making positive changes. People are incredibly resilient and even at the highest DIVCON levels, it is still possible to remake your relationship if you both decide that that's what you really want. With the right tools and support, you will come to a solution that is best for both of you and for everyone whose lives you touch. Stick with me for future episodes where we'll provide more tips and strategies for each level, helping you bring back the fun, reconnect and address problems before they escalate to more complicated levels. And if you have any questions or want personalized advice, do not hesitate to reach out. This is why I make these shows. And this is why I offer that free Relationship Reset Call. My mission is to support you on your journey, to a more fulfilling and Passionate Partnership, along with a healthy and more satisfying life. Alright. I hope today's episode added value to your life. If you'd like more support, brainstorming or ideas, here's three ways to get that: You can join our private and free Passionate Partners Insider Community on Facebook for exclusive content and resources. Or you can check out our website and social channels to get the scoop on all of our programs, workshops, and coaching. And three, if you'd like to explore your specific situation, book, a free Relationship Reset call with me. Whether it's a minor tune-up or a major overhaul, we'll make a plan to get you back on track. You can head over to relationshipresetcall.com to set that up. The Show Notes lists out everything you need to find me, including all the links to everything I've mentioned and my personal email, I'll be here whenever you're ready. And here are a few things you could do to support the show: If you haven't already please follow and subscribe. That is a win for both of us. Then, if you could leave a review that will help our community grow. And, if you know someone who is struggling in their own relationship, please share the show with them. It could be life-changing for them. Thanks for spreading the word. This is Ellen, and that's what I've got for you today. Until next time remember: What I want most in the world is for you to Make More Love... in Your Life and with Your Wife.