17: Beyond Words: Tearing Down Walls in Your Relationship

Welcome to Make More Love, the show for the entrepreneurial man who wants a hot and healthy marriage as well as a successful business.

I'm your host Ellen Dorian, and this is your place for straight up judgment-free conversations about merging the demands of business with the needs of a fulfilling relationship.

We're all about supporting you to be extraordinary in your personal and your professional life, living fully in every way that counts.

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Before we jump in just a reminder that the Make More Love show is for information and entertainment purposes only.

It is not a substitute for the guidance of a qualified mental health or medical professional.

If you're a regular listener, you know I believe that overcoming stereotypes and embracing modern masculinity is a huge and important topic.

It manifests in so many ways and places.

And today we're going to dig into communication.

Honestly, I am not a fan of communication as a topic.

I'm always looking for new thinking on the subject, so I read and I listen to a lot of stuff and I'm almost always disappointed because it usually

just turns out to be the same old five tips again, blah, blah, blah.

So I'm going to try to do a little better than that.

I want to dig into just one of the stereotypes about male communication, and that essentially is "The Silent Treatment."

Men are often accused of stonewalling or passive aggressive communication, and those do undermine emotional intimacy and connection.

So in this episode, we're going to explore what's behind those behaviors, why they happen, and how to move beyond them.

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where your words just aren't getting through?

But even when your words don't cut it, your nonverbal cues, the things you do or the way you act, can send a powerful message, but it may not always be the one that you intend.

Nonverbal communication includes everything from body language and facial expressions to gestures, and even the way we use objects.

Let me tell you about one of my favorite executive coaching clients, RG, who was known for being a bit of a hothead.

That's actually why his boss brought me into work with him.

There was one behavior his boss particularly hated and asked me to address.

Whenever RG disagreed with a strategy, a directive, or really anything else his boss said, he'd start getting visibly agitated.

His eyes would go wide.

His face would go red.

And he would stop talking.

Then he'd heave a big sigh, take his office keys out of his pocket and slide them across the table to his boss and then glare at him.

What is the message of sliding one's keys across the table?

It's essentially saying, "It's not worth the effort to try to talk to you.

If you don't like it, I'll just leave."

RG didn't need to say a word for his boss to get that message loud and clear.

Frankly, I'm surprised RG wasn't fired.

His boss admitted that he didn't always enjoy working with him, but he also knew he was one of the best in his field and he didn't want to lose him.

I think RG is very fortunate that his boss was so clear headed.

Somehow, they made it work.

I think both men really respected each other, even though it might not have appeared that way on the surface.

And maybe that dynamic can work in the business world, but in your relationship?

Not so much!

When you pull that shit at home, you're committing what I call a "Relationship Limiting Move."

You're shutting yourself off from your partner, whether it's just a little or a lot.

You might not physically slide your keys across the table, but there are a hundreds of other ways to send a similar message.

What about you?

Can you think of something that you might do that falls into that category?

And if so, what typically happens next?

As always, I invite you to share your thoughts, either through a direct email, or a message, or in our Passionate Partners Insider Community, which is our free and private Facebook group.

The coordinates for all of that are in the Show Notes.

Let's dig deeper into why these kinds of theatricals happen.

From my observations, people who make aggressive gestures are often trying to drive one of three outcomes:

#1 You are showing that your feelings are hurt without having to say the words.

# 2 You're hoping your partner gets scared you'll leave, and will cave.

And then sometimes it's #3 where you're hoping your partner will call your bluff and make the first move to break up the relationship, so you don't have to be the bad guy.

Whether these actions stem from hurt, fear or avoidance, there are better ways to express it.

First, if your feelings are hurt, you don't want to feel bad any longer than you have to, right?

If that's true, then instead of distancing yourself and making your partner guess what's eating at you, you could just tell them outright that you're unhappy with the situation.

In your business, it wouldn't be productive to make your team guess how you feel about a decision or a direction, right?

So why does it make any more sense that you would try to do this with your partner at home?

Once you get used to being direct and your partner gets used to hearing directly from you, you're going to find out that it really is the quickest

and most effective way to get back to rock solid in your relationship.

Now, Second, if you're hoping to scare your partner into caving into your way of thinking, I'd like you to consider this: Is preying on

your partner's insecurities, really how you want to conduct yourself?

C'mon now, you know that's a seriously crappy thing to do.

And besides, even if they do cave in it's not likely that they genuinely agree with you.

And, you're going to set a precedent for all future disagreements, so you're just going to have to keep reliving that nightmare every single time.

All right.

Let's talk about the third scenario where you're hoping your partner will call your bluff and make the first move to exit the relationship.

I need to tell you something.

That is not the honorable path.

Here in the community we're building through.

Make More Love, the members have a strong sense of honor.

We're aiming to become modern day romantic heroes in our relationship, and this behavior just doesn't jive with that goal.

If you're listening to this podcast, I believe in you and I believe you want to be a hero too.

The best weapon in your arsenal is direct communication and honesty about your feelings.

If you're not used to that, remember, it's going to take a while to get comfortable sitting down while you're wearing your shining armor.

In the next part, we're going to talk about stonewalling, but first I want to tell you about something special that I offer for my listeners.

A lot of you've been reaching out with questions about your own relationships, and I want to help.

So I'm offering my listeners a free Relationship Reset Call.

It's a quick 15 minutes with just you and me.

We'll figure out what problem to tackle first.

Then we'll lay out a plan with one or two steps to get you moving in the right direction.

And after that, if you'd like more help I'll let you know how to get it.

If you let your relationship go to shite, the cost to your financial, social and emotional wellbeing is enormous.

It will truly put a dent in your armor.

So let's not let that happen.

Head over to relationshipresetcall.com to grab your spot.

Let's get you on a trajectory to Make More Love...

in Your Life and With Your Wife.

And moving on.

Those nonverbal dramatic gestures we talked about are a specific expression of a category of behaviors we call Stonewalling and Passive Aggressive Communication.

John Gottman, who coined the term stonewalling, describes it as when one person withdraws from interacting with their partner, closing themselves off and building a metaphorical "wall."

Men and women both do it, but somehow men seem to be accused of it more often.

So why do men fall into stonewalling and passive aggressive communication?

Here are three common reasons:

The first one is social conditioning and stereotypes.

Traditional masculine stereotypes often discourage open emotional expression and encourage a more stoic approach.

Many men have gotten the message that showing emotion or directly expressing their feelings are signs of weakness, so they fall back on indirect methods of communication.

The second reason is feeling unvalued.

Sometimes men use dramatic gestures or shut down out of frustration that they feel their opinions are not valued, or they have no say in decisions.

Refusing to engage in the conversation is a form of protest, because they feel like they are not being heard.

The third reason is about avoiding confrontation.

No one likes confrontations, and emotions can be uncomfortable.

Some folks don't have the skills for navigating through that discomfort.

They use nonverbal gestures to show displeasure because they think that they're going to avoid a confrontation, but the opposite is probably true.

You might actually cause an even bigger dust-up than if you just shared directly in the first place.

By continuing to develop your emotional intelligence and improving your communication skills, you can learn to express your feelings and needs more effectively,

leading to the kind of hot and healthy relationship we all want more of.

Now, we're moving on to part three, which is Strategies for Communicating Directly.

Let's talk about how you can communicate your disagreement with your partner in a healthy and effective way using this step-by-step approach.

# 1 is to Stop the Wall Before it Goes Up.

Frankly, stonewalling is a behavior I struggle with myself.

I don't know about you, but when I feel myself going silent it's often because I'm feeling stressed physically, or feeling too emotional , or

I haven't had a chance to determine what I want out of the discussion.

I go silent, which is a reaction, but my partner sometimes perceives it as stonewalling or me shutting him out on purpose.

The simplest way to avoid this misunderstanding is to say you need some time to gather your thoughts.

This statement immediately kills the Stonewall Effect, because you've opened your mouth and given your partner an indication of what you need.

Then you can take a few deep breaths, let your emotions settle down, and reflect on what you want out of the discussion.

Let's be honest, whenever you're in the situation we're talking about, you're going to feel stressed and emotional, so you need a clear well-rehearsed automatic response that gets the job done.

Here's mine:

"I have some thoughts on this topic, but I need a little time to sort it out.

Can we circle back on this in whatever timeframe you choose in an hour, or tonight, or tomorrow?"

And that gives you the opportunity to

#2 Actually Gather Your Thoughts.

It's important to be specific and to understand what you want out of the discussion.

The more clearly you can articulate what you disagree about, the easier it is to resolve the situation.

Also, try to stick to only one topic at a time.

If you have trouble keeping them straight and separate, it really helps to write them down.

As you discuss the points, you can even check them off your list, and half the time you won't even get all the way through the list because some of those

things are going to resolve themselves just in the course of the discussion.

#3 Express Trust.

Openly tell your partner that you trust that they will listen and consider your point of view, even if you're not entirely sure that they will.

Just saying this out loud can shift the dynamic between you and your partner.

So you actually do feel more trust between you.

#4 Use "I" statements such as "I feel," or "I think," rather than "You" statements, like "you always," or "you never."

For example, say, "I feel upset when plans change last minute," instead of "you never stick to the plan."

#5 Show and expect respect.

Allow your partner to share their perspective without interrupting.

Show that you are listening by nodding or using verbal affirmations.

And then, reflect back what they say to ensure that you've understood it correctly.

And most importantly, attack the problem, not each other.

If you follow these five steps, you'll find that you can shorten the time you feel bad, which is always good.

Right?

In fact, sometimes disagreements can bring you closer together instead of driving you apart.

The Passionate Partners in my tribe communicate their needs with honor and directness.

They do this in a way that draws their partner closer without the theatrics, the aggression or the stonewalling.

Okay.

Before we wrap up, here are three key points I hope you'll take away from today's episode.

Number one is that nonverbal communication matters.

Actions often speak louder than words.

Understanding and being mindful of your non-verbal communication can help prevent misunderstandings and foster healthier interactions.

Number two is to avoid stonewalling and passive aggression.

Withdrawing from conversations is extremely damaging to relationships.

Instead.

Engage and communicate openly.

So you can resolve issues effectively without dragging things on unnecessarily.

And Number three is healthy communication strategies, effective communication involves staying calm, using "I" statements, being specific, actively

listening, and working together to attack the problem rather than each other.

These strategies help create a constructive dialogue that strengthens your relationship.

And create a deeper connection.

If that's what you want for yourself and your relationship, I'm here to help you get there.

So, slip those keys back into your pocket.

Then reach out to me so we can map out a path together.

We'll lay out one or two steps you can take right away to start making things better.

Just head over to

relationshipresetcall.com

to set it up and we'll get to work.

Or you can always message me or email directly.

As I mentioned earlier, it's all in the Show Notes.

Alright.

I hope today's episode added value to your life.

If you'd like more support, brainstorming or ideas, here's three ways to get that:

You can join our private and free Passionate Partners Insider Community on Facebook for exclusive content and resources.

Or you can check out our website and social channels to get the scoop on all of our programs, workshops, and coaching.

And three, if you'd like to explore your specific situation, book, a free Relationship Reset call with me.

Whether it's a minor tune-up or a major overhaul, we'll make a plan to get you back on track.

You can head over to relationshipresetcall.com to set that up.

The Show Notes lists out everything you need to find me, including all the links to everything I've mentioned and my personal email,

I'll be here whenever you're ready.

And here are a few things you could do to support the show:

If you haven't already please follow and subscribe.

That is a win for both of us.

Then, if you could leave a review that will help our community grow.

And, if you know someone who is struggling in their own relationship, please share the show with them.

It could be life-changing for them.

Thanks for spreading the word.

This is Ellen, and that's what I've got for you today.

Until next time remember: What I want most in the world is for you to Make More Love...

in Your Life and with Your Wife.