23: Build A Bonfire: Steps to Reignite Your Relationship

Ellen Dorian [0:00 - 19:14]: Hey there, welcome to make more love. This is the show for driven, entrepreneurial men who want their life to be about more than just business success. They also want a passionate, aligned and fun relationship with their spouse that lasts a lifetime. I'm your host, Ellen Dorian, and this is your space for straight up, judgment free conversations about creating a life where you handle the demands of business, relationships and everything else in a holistic and fulfilling way. We're all about helping you be extraordinary in every way that matters. If you're new to the show, be sure to hit that follow or subscribe button right now so you never miss an episode. If you're serious about transforming your relationship and your life, staying connected here is your first step, and if you find today's conversation helpful, please share it with a friend who could use some new ideas for their own relationship. In the last episode, I talked about my recent experience at the Mediterranean Keto wellness retreat in Greece, where I made small but intentional changes every day. I saw firsthand how those little adjustments led to some pretty dramatic results, even in just the one week, and I promised I would cover this topic in more detail in a future episode. So today we're going to do that. The power of small changes in relationships is something I've been thinking about a lot lately. Because let's be real, when we look at the little things that make up our day to day, it's easy to overlook how much they can impact our connection with our partner. You know, it's a lot like building a bonfire. You start with this tiny spark, and at first it's hard to believe that small flame is going to turn into anything. But with a little patience intending, it grows into something magnificent. And that's how it is with relationships, too. I'm going to share with you something I've developed that I'm calling the bonfire framework that's going to help you with small, intentional actions that keep the fire burning or even rebuild it from the embers if needed. But first, I want to talk about three key problems you might be facing and that the bonfire framework is designed to solve. The first one is a lack of consistent connection. If you feel like you and your partner are just passing by each other each day, you're not alone. Busy schedules, constant distractions can leave you feeling disconnected from each other. Even when you live under the same roof. Conversations turn into quick updates about the day, and gradually you realize you haven't shared anything meaningful in a long time. The second one is diminishing physical and emotional intimacy. Has sex in your relationship become less frequent and more predictable. Is it starting to feel more like an obligation or kind of a habit more than it is an exciting moment of intensity? It's kind of tough to admit that, but I think we all know that it happens to most couples at some point in their relationship. If you are finding it harder to connect physically and emotionally, it can lead to loneliness, resentment, and even acting out inappropriately. The third one is neglecting relationship maintenance. This one is a little sneaky. It's often easier to ignore little complaints or irritations by just tuning out your partner or letting your promises slide. It happens. It happens to everyone. But when small issues are consistently ignored or swept under the rug, they tend to pile up. Eventually they grow into much bigger problems, and by the time you see that, it's kind of out of control. Things have already headed into this downward spiral of relationship decline that we definitely do not want. If you recognize your own relationship in any of these three problems, the bonfire framework is designed to help you avoid or reverse them. The concept of small changes is hardly new in the business world. Tons of books have been written on the topic. My inspiration for this framework comes from two of my favorites, which are James Clear's atomic habits and BJ Fogg's tiny habits. Both of those focus on how small, consistent actions create lasting, meaningful change. Whether you're forming new habits or breaking old ones, these books show you step by step how to make big transformations over time. And that's what we're going to do here. We're going to apply those principles directly to your relationship. But before we jump into that, I want to let you know about something special I offer to my listeners. A lot of you have been reaching out with questions about your own relationships and I want to help. So I'm offering this free relationship reset call. It's a quick 15 or so minutes, just you and me, where we get the lay of the land and we sketch out a plan to get you moving in the right direction. If you're thinking about scheduling a call, here are a few questions to ask yourself. Would you like to be sure that you're focusing on the most urgent and important issues in your relationship? Would it be valuable for you to learn how to apply skills youve already mastered in your work to increase the passion in your relationship? And would having an experience guide help you stay on track as you implement new strategies? If you answered yes, then lets connect. Just head over to relationship reset call, grab your spot and well jump on a call and figure everything out. Because honestly and you know this as well as I do. If you let your relationship slide, the cost to you, financially, socially, emotionally and in every other way is just enormous. It will truly put a dent in your armor. So let's not let that happen. Let's get you on a trajectory to make more love in your life and with your wife. And we're back. So here's the bonfire framework. A simple step by step approach that builds a stronger, intimate relationship. Alright, step one is to light the spark. This is how it starts. Bruce Springsteen says you can't start a fire without one. If you're not sure where to start, just go with the easiest thing that your partner mentions often. Or if you know your partner's primary love language, do something that fits with that. Lets not overthink it. Just show that youre present and engaged in the relationship. Start simple, like send a playful or sexy text message or pick up their favorite snack. Just because one of my friends often picks up a small bag of cool ranch Doritos when he hits the gas station to fuel up his truck because he knows that those are his wifes favorite. Or how about planning something low key but just a little bit different? Actually, anything that breaks the routine is a good thing. So, for example, if you go out to dinner a lot, instead of going to one of your usual places, go to some place that you've never been. Especially if there's a place that you've talked about going. But I've never been because we all have a few of those, right? Finally, on this point, if things have been tense, don't go overboard. Just a little attentiveness can smooth things over. Ask how their day was, bring them a coffee or a snack. All you need to do is open the door to more connection. John Gottman, who's probably the world's leading expert on relationships, calls these things bids for connection. And you want to put out those bids for connection, just like you'd put out bids for new projects in your business. Step two is to feed the flame. Once that spark is there, you've got to make sure it stays litanous. Everyone knows the hardest part of getting a bonfire started is actually getting it started. So you sure don't want to have to keep doing that over and over again. Here are some ideas like that plan a little surprise, just like maybe a little fancier. Date night. There's a surprisingly big difference between going out to dinner because nobody wants to cook versus planning a nice dinner out. Do you see what I mean? Four. Leave a card or a note somewhere where you know that your partner is going to find it or try to shake things up just a little bit. Maybe plan a day trip or try something new together, like a hobby or a project that's fun but not stressful. You're just looking to inject a tiny bit of new energy. And if you're still working through tension and alienation, then you have to take it slow. Maybe you suggest to watch an old favorite movie, one that you guys used to watch when you were first together. Maybe that starts to bring to mind better times when things are tense. I often suggest a comedy show because it's hard to stay pissy when you're laughing. So if you can pull that off, give it a try. Just keep it easy and low stakes. Step three is to add fuel. Now we're starting to build some momentum. Just like adding logs keeps the bonfire burning. Regular, meaningful actions will keep your relationship strong. Make your date nights a regular thing or plan some adventures. Something that you haven't done before, something that keeps you both looking forward to the time you have together. These can be a little bit more involved because now you've got the momentum, but I still wouldn't go too wild with it. Keep it doable so you can keep doing it, because the consistency is much more important than the actual activity. Another important thing to do is to set aside time for some real conversations, not just about logistics, but about things that matter to you both. If you like taking walks together, that's often a really good time for a deeper conversation because there are fewer distractions, fewer interruptions. But there's still time for silence and reflection. If you're working on rebuilding a relationship, the consistency thing cannot be overstated. Set reminders on your phone if you have to, and make sure you don't forget to check it. Make a promise to your partner that you'll talk honestly about things instead of burying them, and then keep that promise. Step number four is to bask in the warmth after all of your effort, you want to be present and savor the closeness that you're building together. Whether it's sharing a laugh, a quiet evening, just reflecting on how your relationship has changed over time, take a moment to appreciate the warmth that you're creating together. Celebrate every win, no matter how small it is. A kind word, a peaceful conversation, being able to sit in the same room, recognize the progress, and just keep it going. Let's talk about how to apply the bonfire framework, because it very much depends on the overall health of your relationship. Next, we'll go through the three stages of connection, and I'll give you examples of how to apply the bonfire framework to each stage. Stage one is solid. Your relationship has a strong emotional and physical connection, but it's important to be proactive to prevent routine and boredom from creeping in. Even in great relationships, life gets busy, and it's easy to let other things take priority. Back when I was dating my husband, I remember being damn busy. Probably every bit as busy as I am now, if not even more. But I always made time to do special things for him and with him because I wanted to impress him. I didn't see it as a chore. And if you keep doing those little things, even after years together, you can head off a lot of trouble before it even starts. Stage two is a stagnant relationship. At this stage, boredom and apathy begin to take root and your relationship might feel more routine. You're not necessarily fighting, but there's not much excitement either. Conversations are mainly focused on logistics, who's picking up the kids, what needs to be done around the house. But you don't talk about big things, and you don't share much passion anymore. Most couples do end up here. At some point, everything looks fine on the surface, but there's this feeling of just going through the motions. That spark that used to make everything exciting is gone, and you probably both wonder if this is all there is. Stage three is a struggling relationship. At this stage, you might be living separate lives under the same roof. One or both of you may have emotionally checked out, and you might not even be able to talk without fighting or giving each other the cold shoulder. There's a real risk of separation or divorce at this stage. I had a client at exactly this stage. Every session, he'd tell me the same stories about all the hurts and the frustrations, but he didn't seem motivated to change anything. But he didn't want to lose his relationships with his adult children and grandchildren. That became his reason to repair the relationship with his wife, even though he knew he didn't want to stay in the marriage. These three stages of solid, stagnant or struggling correspond roughly to the divcon stages we talked about back in make more love, episode 16. If you haven't listened to that, or even if you have, it might be helpful to go back and check it out. Now, if you've identified the stage of your relationship and you've decided to apply the bonfire framework, you might have a few concerns about how it will work for you. So let's talk about the three most common questions. I get the first one is, how long will it take to see a difference? And that really depends on how your relationship is right now. You might notice some improvements in a week or two just by lighting that spark and feeding the flame. Stick with it and after a couple of months, you should start to feel some real change. Keep fueling the fire consistently and the warmth will build over time. The second question is, doesn't it take two people to fix this? And yeah, in the long run that's true, but it's okay for you to go first. If your partner isn't fully engaged right now, you can still start this process yourself. When you do, you'll create a positive environment that your partner will notice even if they don't acknowledge it and even if they don't respond right away. It's very hard to stay frosty when someone's building a bonfire right next to you, so just get started and stick with it. The third question is, what if my partner is unreceptive or even suspicious? It happens. Your partner might be wondering if you have some kind of ulterior motive. If that's the case, you've got to be patient and don't push too hard. Focus on genuine actions that feel natural to you, but don't demand a response. In addition, you might say something like, I just want to make our life together work better. Knowing why you're acting differently lets your partner regulate their response so the suspicion cools down on its own. So those are the three common questions. If you have more, please feel free to reach out. Heres something important to remember. You need to have fun with this. Think back to when you were first dating and you were planning exciting dates and surprising each other and doing things just because. You can reclaim that excitement. Even in the middle of your everyday chaos, you can actually get a little bit of a buzz by putting a bit of effort into your relationship. Just keep it easy so it's not a chore and you might find yourself wanting to do more and more. We're starting to wrap up, so here are three key points I hope you'll take away from today's episode. Number one is small. Actions make a big difference and I think I've said about as much of that as I can say. Number two is consistency is key. Building a bonfire isn't a one time event. You've got to keep it going over time, keep the momentum, and don't let it go out. And number three is enjoy the process. Relationships are meant to be fun and enjoyable. I know you know that. Keep things light and remember to enjoy every small action that brings you closer together. If you need help figuring out where to start, let's connect. I'd love to help you get your bonfire going. You can go to relationshipresetcall.com and just pick a time. That's what those calls are for. They're free and they're pretty quick, so you've really got nothing to lose. Or just drop me a message. All my coordinates are in the show notes. And one more thing, if you haven't listened to the divcon episode yet, go check it out. It's make Morelove episode 16. It'll give you even more insights on where your relationship stands. Alright, I hope today's episode added some real value to your life. If you are ready for more support, ideas, or just someone to brainstorm with, here are three ways to get that. One is to join our private and free passionate partners insider community on Facebook for exclusive content and resources. Number two is to visit our website and our social channels to learn more about our programs, workshops and private coaching options. That's passionatepartnersproject.com dot. And number three, if you want to dive into your specific situation, book a free relationship reset call with me. Whether it's a minor tune up or a major overhaul, we'll make a plan to get you back on track. Just head over to relationshipresetcall.com to set that up. You'll find everything you need, including the links to everything I've mentioned and my personal email right in the show notes. I'll be here whenever you're ready. And now I've got a request. I could really use your help to get the word out about make more love. First, if you haven't already, please hit follow and subscribe on whatever platform you prefer. When you do that, it helps more people find the show and it makes sure you don't miss anything. And second, even more important, leaving a review will really help me grow our community so we can reach even more people. And finally, if you know someone who's struggling in their relationship, please share the show with them. A simple share from you could be life changing for them. So thank you so much for spreading the word. I'm Ellen Dorian. That's what I've got for you today. I believe you had good reasons for choosing the partner you have. My mission is to help you reconnect with those reasons and discover new ways to make more love in your life and with your wife.