24: The Art of Love: Insights from Romance Novels for Real Relationships

Ellen Dorian [0:00 - 0:56]: Hey there. Welcome to make more love. This is the show for driven, entrepreneurial men who want their life to be about more than just business success. They also want a passionate, aligned and fun relationship with their spouse that lasts a lifetime. I'm your host, Ellen Dorian, and this is your space for straight up, judgment free conversations about creating a life where you handle the demands of business, relationships and everything else in a holistic and fulfilling way. We're all about helping you be extraordinary in every way that matters. If you're new to the show, be sure to hit that follow or subscribe button right now so you never miss an episode. If you're serious about transforming your relationship and your life, staying connected here is your first step. And if you find today's conversation helpful, please share it with a friend who could use some new ideas for their own relationship.

Ellen Dorian [0:56 - 3:24]: Today we're kicking off a two part series that might inspire you to try some new romantic approaches. We're talking about romance novels, and I'm going to share with you some secret moves of romantic heroes. Then we'll talk about how to integrate some of these secrets into your relationship to boost your sex life. So let's address the elephant in the room. You might be thinking romance novels? Seriously, I can hear your eyes rolling. But here's a fun fact. Romance novels are a $1.5 billion industry with 30 million dedicated readers, most of whom are women. The modern romance novel has been around since the 17 hundreds and the market exploded in the 1920s, so they've been around way longer than you. They are a cultural phenomenon that has shaped what we believe about successful romantic relationships. Now, most women have read at least a romance novel or two in their lifetime. Guys, maybe not so much. So this one is for you. You owe it to yourself to read a couple of romance novels. There are dozens of subgenres, so you can pick something that doesn't feel silly to you and just get to it. If you're thinking, why in hell would I want to do that? Well, there's a lot more to these romance novels than you might think. And here are four things I find interesting about them. First, they offer insight about situations, emotions, and motivations we experience in real life. One of the great things about these novels is that the characters mess up. They make mistakes and bad decisions. They miscommunicate and misunderstand each other. They leave things unsaid that they shouldn't, and they say things they shouldn't. They just get in trouble. And as the reader, you get to observe all of that without actually having to live through it. We tend to do this naturally. Do you find yourself being the armchair quarterback when you see other people's difficult relationship situations? Or when you're watching a movie or a show? Do you find yourself thinking, oh man, that was a mistake or oh, smooth move dude, so it's not really all that weird. I heres a pro tip. Pay attention to how your partner reacts in the same situation. Their reaction can give you clues about how to approach similar problems in your own relationship. And you also get to see what.

Ellen Dorian [3:24 - 3:26]: Works, what they do to get out.

Ellen Dorian [3:26 - 6:52]: Of the bad situations, what creates attractions and desire in their partners, what happens when they share their emotions, and how do they make it through those tough times. They are a masterclass in emotional intelligence, but they are way more fun to read than self help books from the pop psychology section of your favorite book site. The second thing is it helps you make sense of mixed messages, misunderstandings, and conflicts. These things are the lifeblood of romance novels, and as such, you get to see how they play out from beginning to end. This kind of emotional insight can be eye opening, especially if you're the kind of person who tends to focus more on actions than the underlying feelings driving those actions. The way people behave in relationships is often a reflection of what's going on inside and that isn't always visible to others. So if you feel like you're often getting mixed messages and mixed signals from your partner, an ideal way to fix that, of course, would be to ask for clarification. But sometimes asking directly only leads to more conflict. So instead, try asking your partner to tell you how they see the situation and ask for examples so effectively getting them to tell you a story and that can lead to clarity for both of you. The third thing they do is deepen your understanding about people's motivations in relationships. These stories explore the core themes of love, desire, conflict, and reconciliation, the same themes that play out in real life relationships every day. They offer a glimpse into what drives people how they love, fear, get jealous, and find passion. They remind us that relationships are high stakes. Seeing a hero make sacrifices for love might reconnect you with what's at stake in your own relationship. So take a moment now and ask yourself, what do you do to make your partner feel like you're fighting for them? That the stakes are high, and what makes you feel like your partner has your back, and that they feel like the stakes are just as high for keeping your relationship healthy and happy. The fourth thing that romance novels tend to do is balance crisis mode with intimate intensity. Most of the time, the romantic hero gets to prove his love by showing up in multiple crises, fighting off evildoers, rescuing their lover from sinking ships, from burning fires, from cursed castles, abandoned planets, zombie invasions, or some other kind of imminent danger. But the best novels dont just jump from one crisis to the next. For one thing, the reader gets burned out if there are no breaks between the crises, and it really gets old. Besides, we need that breathless, bodice ripping, earth shattering sex. That's the main reason we read these books. And those things can't happen in crisis mode. It's those moments of intimate intensity when the hero and his lover truly connect. They let their guard down and see each other clearly. All those things that keep the hero willing to sacrifice himself over and over again for his partner. In real life, those deep, quiet connections make everything feel worth it, even when times get tough.

Ellen Dorian [6:52 - 6:54]: What do you do to create those.

Ellen Dorian [6:54 - 8:03]: Moments of connection and intimacy in your relationship? So those are four things I find interesting about romance novels. I hope by now I've convinced you to give the romance novel thing a try. If so, here's a few things to get the biggest bang for your buck. The first one is actually read the books instead of listening to audiobooks. Audiobooks are great, but they come with someone else's interpretation, their voice, their tone, their timing. When you do the reading, you're in control. You set the pace. You pause where you want, you reread the parts you want. Your imagination will pull elements of your real life into the story, like the characters, the places, the experience. They'll all be built on things that are familiar to you, kind of like a holodeck. And if your partner is participating, here's a few ways you can share the experience. You could just read it on your own, and then read out loud the passages that you like best to your partner. Or you could both read the story separately and talk about it together. Maybe even on date night. Or over drinks and dinner, like a.

Ellen Dorian [8:03 - 8:05]: Sexy book club for two.

Ellen Dorian [8:06 - 8:11]: Or you could read to your partner out loud, or take turns reading out.

Ellen Dorian [8:11 - 8:12]: Loud to each other.

Ellen Dorian [8:12 - 8:30]: My husband is a talented, dramatic reader, and I love to be read to, so this approach works for us. But you know you do. You so read the book. You might just fall in love with falling in love again. Next, we're going to look at how these stories could impact your outlook on your relationship.

Ellen Dorian [8:30 - 9:52]: But before we jump into that, I want to let you know about something special I offer to my listeners. A lot of you have been reaching out with questions about your own relationships and I want to help. So I'm offering this free relationship reset call. It's a quick 15 or so minutes, just you and me, where we get the lay of the land and we sketch out a plan to get you moving in the right direction. If you're thinking about scheduling a call, here are a few questions to ask yourself. Would you like to be sure that you're focusing on the most urgent and important issues in your relationship? Would it be valuable for you to learn how to apply skills you've already mastered in your work to increase the passion in your relationship? And would having an experience guide help you stay on track as you implement new strategies? If you answered yes, then let's connect. Just head over to relationship reset call, grab your spot and we'll jump on a call and figure everything out. Because honestly, and you know this as well as I do, if you let your relationship slide, the cost to you, financially, socially, emotionally, and in every other way is just enormous. It will truly put a dent in your armor. So let's not let that happen. Let's get you on a trajectory to make more love in your life and with your wife.

Ellen Dorian [9:52 - 11:49]: And we're back. One of the most fascinating aspects of romance novels is how they reflect the internal stories the characters tell themselves, narratives that shape their actions, relationships and sense of self. The characters are often caught up in their own misconceptions. Maybe they believe they're unworthy of love, or they assume their partner is unfaithful. Without any evidence, these misunderstandings create tension in the story, they drive the plot, and ultimately they show the power of rewriting those internal narratives. Just like the characters in these books, we all make up stories in our heads to explain or justify what's happening in our lives, often without even realizing it. These inner narratives could serve us or hold us back, influencing how we see ourselves and our partners and our relationships. Watching characters evolve and let go of some stories to embrace new, more powerful ones can inspire us to do the same. Look at the stories you tell yourself. Are they helping you build a stronger connection, or are they pushing you apart? This might sound overly simplistic, but if the story of your relationship is leading to a sad ending, it really doesn't have to continue that way. You can start a new storyline. You might think it takes two to change, but honestly, if you go first, you'll see that even changing the first line can shift your whole story. So start by deciding on a story that you want to be in. If you're inclined, write a line or two about how you want the story to start and how you want it to end up. That could set an intention for you to take a step in that direction. So what kind of story do you want your relationship to tell? And what's the first line you'll write today to make that happen? The secrets of romantic heroes aren't just grand gestures and dramatic rescues. They are about attentiveness, presence, and making space for love.

Ellen Dorian [11:50 - 11:52]: Before we wrap up, here are three.

Ellen Dorian [11:52 - 12:33]: Key points that I hope you'll take away from today's episode. Number one is that romance novels can provide insight about situations, emotions, and motivations we experience in real life. These stories offer a lens into complex relationship dynamics that mirror our own lives. Two, don't let your life be endlessly characterized by urgencies and crises. Romance novels remind us that constantly jumping from one crisis to the next can wear us down, emphasizing the need to create moments of quiet connection where real intimacy can happen. And number three is examine the stories you tell yourself.

Ellen Dorian [12:33 - 12:35]: Just like the characters, we all carry.

Ellen Dorian [12:35 - 12:45]: Inner narratives that shape our relationships. Recognize that these stories can empower you to rewrite your own narrative, aligning it with the relationship you truly want.

Ellen Dorian [12:46 - 12:48]: As I mentioned at the start, this.

Ellen Dorian [12:48 - 13:09]: Is part one of two on finding your inner romantic hero. Next time ill reveal what makes romance novel relationships so addictively steamy and engaging. Well break down three moves that keep the passionate relationship energy fully powered up and how you can bring that same energy into your own relationship.

Ellen Dorian [13:09 - 13:39]: All right, I hope today's episode added some real value to your life. If you are ready for more support, ideas, or just someone to brainstorm with, here are three ways to get that. One is to join our private and free passionate partners insider community on Facebook for exclusive content and resources. Two is to visit our website and our social channels to learn more about our programs, workshops, and private coaching options. That's passionatepartnersproject.com.

Ellen Dorian [13:40 - 13:42]: And three, if you want to dive.

Ellen Dorian [13:42 - 14:04]: Into your specific situation, book a free relationship reset call with me. Whether it's a minor tune up or a major overhaul, we'll make a plan to get you back on track. Just head over to relationshipresetcall.com to set that up. You'll find everything you need, including the links to everything I've mentioned and my personal email right in the show notes.

Ellen Dorian [14:04 - 14:06]: I'll be here whenever you're ready.

Ellen Dorian [14:07 - 15:01]: And now I've got a request. I could really use your help to get the word out about make more love first, if you haven't already, please hit follow and subscribe on whatever platform you prefer. When you do that, it helps more people find the show, and it makes sure you don't miss anything. And second, even more important, leaving a review will really help me grow our community so we can reach even more people. And finally, if you know someone who's struggling in their relationship, please share the show with them. A simple share from you could be life changing for them. So thank you so much for spreading the word. I'm Ellen Dorian, and that's what I've got for you today. I believe you had good reasons for choosing the partner you have. My mission is to help you reconnect with those reasons and discover new ways to make more love in your life and with your wife.