25: The One Thing Your Relationship Needs More Than Trust

Speaker A [0:00 - 16:59]: Hey there. Welcome to make more love. This is the show for driven, entrepreneurial men who want their life to be about more than just business success. They also want a passionate, aligned and fun relationship with their spouse that lasts a lifetime. I'm your host, Ellen Dorian, and this is your space for straight up, judgment free conversations about creating a life where you handle the demands of business, relationships and everything else in a holistic and fulfilling way. We're all about helping you be extraordinary in every way that matters. If you're new to the show, be sure to hit that follow or subscribe button right now so you never miss an episode. If you're serious about transforming your relationship and your life, staying connected here is your first step. And if you find today's conversation helpful, please share it with a friend who could use some new ideas for their own relationship. Alright, we gotta talk. Some of you weren't exactly fired up about last week's episode on what we can learn from romance novels. Maybe you thought it's just lame or I don't need this. Well get over your damn self. Look, if you are captain romantic and every time you walk in the door, your partner drops their clothes and jumps into your arms, then this episode might not be for you. But if you're here listening, do I really need to go on? You know, I dont just talk about this stuff because I think its going to be cute or whatever or entertain you. I talk about this stuff because it works. A few years back I worked on this very thing with one of my clients and he was a pretty alpha dude, but he did accept the challenge and what he found was there was quite a lot in the male character that he could relate to and that helped him put himself more in that romantic hero mindset. And that changed the way that he interacted with his partner and that significantly changed the way that they related in and out of the bedroom. So I know this stuff works and that's why I'm telling you about reading romance novels. Okay, let's get to today's episode. I'm going to share something that's going to make or break your success in every part of your life. If you're in a committed relationship, there's one thing you absolutely need to be able to do. And if you don't get this right, you will never be happy. Period. And it's not communication, it's not shared goals, it's not even trust. It's this one thing. You need to make your partner feel loved consistently. So much so that they feel your love even when you're not around, you can have all the business success in the world, be in the best shape of your life, and be a rock star at everything you do. But if your partner doesn't feel loved, none of it will be enough. Everything about your relationship will be less satisfying. And don't try to fool yourself into thinking that that wouldn't be true for you. If you're not paying attention to this now, then it's already happening. The passion is already fading, the connection is getting cold, and if you don't already feel more like roommates than lovers, you're probably headed in that direction. If you step up now, you can prevent or reverse all of it. So what do you want to do? Today's advice is going to be really practical, but I want to say why we should care about romance novels. Although there are countless genres and target demographics, the fact is the majority of romance novels are written by women and therefore reflect a feminine perspective. So if your partner is a woman, wouldn't it help you to get a peek into the world of women's fantasies, even the ones they might not tell you about? Of course, not all women have these types of fantasies, and even if they do, that doesn't necessarily mean they want to live them out. This is where you need to determine what you can learn and bring into your relationship. So to help you get going, I've done some of that legwork for you. I'm going to walk you through some power moves that will keep your passionate energy high. And these will work for any romantic partnership, regardless of gender or orientation. So let's get into it. Not every moment of a romance novel is packed with battling enemies and dramatic rescues and hot sex scenes. They have to have some downtime to allow the characters to deepen their connection and make the sacrifices they're making more believable. But even in the slow parts, the romantic hero has to make sure we all know he's still there. See, unlike you, he has to satisfy an audience of 30 million lovers. I mean readers. If he loses their attention, they stop reading. In some ways, this is also true for you. You need time to connect with your partner and keep their attention so they don't tune out. I've observed that in a large number of these romance novels, there are three simple but pretty effective moves that these romantic heroes use to keep that baseline of intimate intensity high. And you can use these same moves to do the same for your relationship. The three moves are a look, a touch, or a word. Maybe more than one word. Let me show you how to implement them in your own life. I'll start with a look because it's one of the most subtle but most powerful things that can totally transform how your partner feels when they're around you. There's almost always some kind of story movement that happens through the eyes. In a romance novel, there's a lot of focus on the way the characters look at each other and a lot of details about their eyes. The character's eyes are often described as smoldering or penetrating or flashing with intensity. Or theres details about the color like silver, like a wolfs, or blue like sapphires, or black as a starless night. The meeting of eyes is a powerful story element. Their eyes meet across a crowded room. They share a glance in a moment of danger. They lock eyes just before that passionate kiss. All of it builds tension, desire and connection, and you can do the same if you do it right. That look can make your partner feel acknowledged, seen and desired in ways that they might have been missing for a long time. But to do the look right, you need the right mindset. Otherwise it's just going to feel ridiculous. So here's how to get into it. First, pick a time when your partner isn't expecting anything romantic. The look is always more impactful when they aren't expecting it. The second thing is to think back to a time when you found your partner especially desirable, or they did something that totally wowed you. Or maybe picture what you see when you're in your favorite position. Now keep that thought in your mind as you subtly make your way into their line of sight. Then catch their eye. Hold that gaze for just a few seconds while you're still thinking those thoughts, and that should do it. Now, if your partner isn't used to this kind of attention from you, be patient. They might not notice right away, but keep at it and they'll catch on eventually. And just like that, you've used the look to show attentiveness, desire and connection, all without a whole lot of talking. Now let's get into the next romantic hero power move, which is touch. It's important for you to understand that touch isn't just about sex. One of the biggest complaints I hear from couples is that physical touch often implies a request for sex. This can leave a partner feeling like every hug or caress comes with some strings attached, creating pressure and causing them to pull away from all kinds of touch, including non sexual touch. So set your goal to make touch be simply about connecting and making them feel loved without any expectations attached. You can communicate this with simple, playful, or even possessive touches, like brushing their hair out of their eyes, holding hands, or wrapping an arm around their waist to create a feeling of belonging. And that brings me to the topic of consent. Just because you're married or in a committed relationship doesn't mean that all touch is welcome at any time. Boundaries are essential, so have an open conversation about what feels right for both of you and then follow those boundaries. Now, we shouldn't pretend that touch never signals a desire for sex. Sometimes that's exactly the point, and that's a good thing. But how you do it matters. Here are three things for you to consider. The first one is when you touch. If your goal for touch is to signal sexual interest, then start early in the day and build the mood gradually. Don't wait until you've done that whole evening routine thing and the kids are in bed and all because by then you're probably never going to make it. The second thing is where you touch. Please don't grab, just don't do it. Instead, start by just touching their face, the back of their neck, their shoulders, their hair, their arms, their hips. If you take your time and your partner is responsive, then you can move on to other erogenous zones. And number three is how you touch. Slow, intentional and lingering touches send a clear message of desire and give your partner the time to warm up without feeling pressured. So here's a question. How is your touch game? Does it need work? I believe in you and I think you'll figure it out. Let's move on to move number three. But before we jump into that, I want to let you know about something special I offer to my listeners. A lot of you have been reaching out with questions about your own relationships, and I want to help. So I'm offering this free relationship reset call. It's a quick 15 or so minutes, just you and me, where we get the lay of the land and we sketch out a plan to get you moving in the right direction. If you're thinking about scheduling a call, here are a few questions to ask yourself. Would you like to be sure that you're focusing on the most urgent and important issues in your relationship? Would it be valuable for you to learn how to apply skills you've already mastered in your work to increase the passion in your relationship? And would having an experience guide help you stay on track as you implement new strategies? If you answered yes, then let's connect. Just head over to relationship reset call. Grab your spot and we'll jump on a call and figure everything out. Because honestly, and you know this as well as I do, if you let your relationship slide, the costs to you, financially, socially, emotionally, and in every other way is just enormous. It will truly put a dent in your armor. So let's not let that happen. Let's get you on a trajectory to make more love in your life and with your wife. And we're back. Romantic hero power move number three is a word. Words of romance come in many forms, and they carry tremendous power for emotional connection. Whether it's a nickname, a compliment, or something. Sexy words remind your partner that they are seen, loved, and desired. So here are some examples. The first one is nicknames or pet names. Romantic heroes almost always have a special nickname for their partner or a couple, and that's true in real life, too. Maybe you have a nickname for your partner. Hopefully you have one or two that make them giggle or blush. If nothing, you should try out a few and see if it sparks anything. Number two is compliments. Simple truths about the things your partner does that are special can make all the difference. Like you look so hot in red or you have the best smile. These compliments don't have to be grand, creative, or original. They just have to be genuine. Number three is what you say to other people about your partner. This is especially true when your partner's not around. Whatever you say eventually always seems to get back to them. So share positive things. For example, one of my colleagues has mentioned to me multiple times that his wife does all the handiwork around their house. He can't even swing a hammer. But she does all kinds of projects. She fixed the deck. She paints rooms. She even renovated the bathroom. Showing pride in your partner raises everyone's feeling of well being. And the fourth one is private, sexy words. Sometimes it's what you whisper at the quiet moments that makes all the difference. I'm not even going to give you any examples of this one because they are very personal. They are part of a private language that just you and your partner share. So that covers the three romantic hero power moves, a look, a touch, a word. When it comes to trying these things in your own relationship, you don't need to overdo it. Just pick one per day and try it. Mix it up a little. If you do this as a thing in itself, sparks may fly. As I've said so many times on this show, you don't need grand gestures and you don't need to jump through a lot of hoops. You just need to stack up a lot of small actions to make a dramatic change in the quality of your relationship and your life. You might be asking, but what if I'm the one who needs to feel loved? And I get what you're saying because a lot of you don't feel particularly loved in your relationship. But let me just say this to you. It's very hard to withhold love from your partner when your partner is giving it to you. So try giving first and see what you get back. It's possible that when you do these things, your partner might catch on, start to feel more loved and in turn make you feel more loved in the way that you most need it. You can be the hero in your relationship or not. You get to choose as we wrap up, here are three key points I hope you'll take away from today's episode. Number one, make your partner feel loved consistently. Without this, no other successes you have will truly matter in your life. Number two, choose small actions over grand gestures. Just stack up daily actions to have a huge impact. And number three is be intentional in your connection. Use eye contact, touch and words to strengthen your relationship without expecting anything in return. Alright? I hope todays episode added some real value to your life. If you are ready for more support, ideas, or just someone to brainstorm with, here are three ways to get that. One is to join our private and free passionate partners insider community on Facebook for exclusive content and resources. Number two is to visit our website and our social channels to learn more about our programs, workshops and private coaching options. That's passionatepartnersproject.com. and number three, if you want to dive into your specific situation, book a free relationship reset call with me. Whether it's a minor tune up or a major overhaul, we'll make a plan to get you back on track. Just head over to relationshipresetcall.com to set that up. You'll find everything you need, including the links to everything I've mentioned and my personal email right in the show notes. I'll be here whenever you're ready. And now I've got a request I could really use your help to get the word out about make more love. First, if you haven't already, please hit follow and subscribe on whatever platform you prefer. When you do that, it helps more people find the show and it makes sure you don't miss anything. And second, even more important, leaving a review will really help me grow our community so we can reach even more people. And finally, if you know someone who's struggling in their relationship, please share the show with them. A simple share from you could be life changing for them. So thank you so much for spreading the word. I'm Ellen. Dorian. That's what I've got for you today. I believe you had good reasons for choosing the partner you have. My mission is to help you reconnect with those reasons and discover new ways to make more love in your life and with your wife.