26: Dead Quiet: Is Stonewalling Killing Your Relationship?

Ellen Dorian:
00:00:05

Hey there. Welcome to Make More Love. This is the show for driven entrepreneurial men who want their life to be about more than just business success. They also want a passionate, aligned, and fun relationship with their spouse that lasts a lifetime. I'm your host Ellen Dorian, and this is your space for straight-up, judgment-free conversations about creating a life where you handle the demands of business, relationships and everything else in a holistic and fulfilling way. We're all about helping you be extraordinary in every way that matters. If you're new to the show, be sure to hit that Follow or Subscribe button right now so you never miss an episode. If you're serious about transforming your relationship and your life, staying connected here is your first step. And, if you find today's conversation helpful, please share it with a friend who could use some new ideas for their own Today. I want to talk about a topic that often gets overlooked, but it can silently destroy your relationship. It's called stonewalling and avoiding difficult conversations. The concept of stonewalling was popularized by John Gottman. I quote John Gottman fairly frequently in the Make More Love episodes, because he and his wife are known as the world's leading experts in relationships. And, I find a lot of his advice and his data-driven approach is really helpful for everyone, especially for those of us who are more logical and analytical thinkers. Rather than starting with a long explanation, I'm going to share a listener's question that illustrates what stonewalling looks like in real life and how it impacts relationships. As I've mentioned before, the Make More Love show is tailored toward male entrepreneurs, because those are the folks I've worked with for so many years. But they aren't my only audience. I have a wide range of listeners and from time to time, they reach out to me with questions. I'm going to share what I told HC, a listener who emailed me recently. HC is married to the owner of an it consulting firm. She wrote in asking for advice about a problem that I know a lot of you will relate to. Her husband has a tendency to go completely silent on her whenever he doesn't want to talk about something or he doesn't have an answer to a question. She shared that he's former military, so when he shuts down, it's like hitting a brick wall. Here's what she wrote. "I've been married to my husband now for 15 years and I love him, but I have a serious problem. Every time I try to talk to him about something difficult or ask him a question he might not know an answer to, he goes completely silent. He just looks down and doesn't speak, or gives one-word answers that don't tackle the problem. Sometimes he even leaves the room and I'm left feeling like I don't matter, like the conversation doesn't matter. It feels like he's rejecting me our relationship, and that he doesn't have faith in me to work out tough problems with him. It leaves me feeling deeply hurt. And even though I've begged him not to do it, in the moment he just seems to fall back on his old name, rank and serial number routine. I want to be with him, but I don't want to live like this for the next 40 or 50 years. So either he has to learn to open up and treat me like a partner, or I'm going to cut my losses and find someone who will. What can I say or do that I haven't already tried over the past 15 years to finally resolve this?" And here was my answer. HC, first of all, I want to acknowledge how incredibly hard this must be for you. Stonewalling, especially if it's habitual, can feel like emotional abandonment. So let's start by validating your experience. You're feeling unheard, rejected, and unimportant, and that's not you overreacting. It's real, and it's understandable why it's so painful for you. Now let's talk about why your husband might be doing this. From what you've shared, it sounds like when he doesn't have an answer or is faced with a difficult conversation, he reverts to what you call the name, rank and serial number routine. For him, this behavior is likely not about rejecting you. It's more about an emotional defense mechanism. Military training can teach people to compartmentalize and shut down when things get emotionally intense. That doesn't justify his behavior, but it does give us a better understanding of where he might be coming from. I'm really glad you want to address this behavior head on because stonewalling is breaking down the partnership that you've built. A marriage requires open communication and trust you two need to be able to trust each other to tackle tough problems together. And right now his silence is preventing that from happening. So, what can you do that you haven't tried in the past 15 years? I think it's time to approach this in a new way. First it's critical that he understands how serious this problem is. One thing I've noticed is that people who tend to Stonewall often don't see their behavior as such a big deal. They're just trying to take a breath, to process, or to avoid saying something that they're going to regret. What they don't always realize is how much it hurts their partner when they shut down. So before you can begin to solve this problem, you really have to make it clear to him how much this is hurting. Then, instead of asking him or begging him to stop the behavior, I suggest framing it as a request for a new kind of partnership. When things get tough, you both need to commit to changing the response pattern. You might suggest setting up some kinds of rules of engagement for difficult conversations. Like agreeing that when one of you is feeling overwhelmed, you'll both take a break for a certain amount of time, maybe 10 minutes or maybe longer, but come back to finish the conversation. You can also implement regular check-ins when you talk through things that might be on your mind in a less confrontational setting. A good time to do this might be the weekly planning conversations I've laid out in another episode. These conversations aren't about problems. But about staying connected. So when you start incorporating this habit, It can create a safer space for both of you to communicate and ease some of the tension that comes up in these high stakes moments. I understand you don't want to issue an ultimatum, but it is okay to set boundaries. Tell him clearly how much this behavior is affecting you. And that you need him to work on it for the relationship to be healthy for the long-term. Frame it not as a threat, but as a critical need for your emotional wellbeing and for the future of your marriage. Lastly, if these conversations don't lead to change, I would recommend seeking outside help. Sometimes an objective third party, a coach like me or possibly a therapist I can help guide couples through entrenched patterns of behavior. If he's open to that, it could make a big difference. You've been carrying this for a long time, HC, and it's clear that you care deeply about your marriage and about your husband. I hope this new approach opens the door for more honest communication between the two of you. So that was my answer. And I hope that you got something out of both the scenario that she described and my response. And next, I want to talk about you, but before we move on to the next segment, I want to share something special that I offer for my listeners. A lot of you've been reaching out with questions about your own relationships and I want to help. So, I'm offering this free Relationship Reset Call. It's a quick 15 or so minutes. Just you and me, where we get the lay of the land and we sketch out a plan to get you moving in the right direction. If you're thinking about scheduling a call, here are a few questions to ask yourself: Would you like to be sure that you're focusing on the most urgent and important issues in your relationship? Would it be valuable for you to learn how to apply skills you've already mastered in your work to increase the passion in your relationship? And. Would having an experienced guide help you stay on track as you implement new strategies? If you answered "Yes," then let's connect. Just head over to relationshipresetcall.com, grab your spot, and we'll jump on a call and figure everything out. Because honestly, ...and you know this as well as I do ...if you let your relationship slide, the cost to you financially, socially, emotionally, and in every other way is just enormous. It will truly put a dent in your armor. So let's not let that happen. Let's get you on a trajectory to Make More Love in Your Life and With Your Wife. And we're back. Now let's talk about you. If you are someone who tends to shut down during tough conversations, maybe because you don't know the answer right away, or you're afraid you'll say something you'll regret, you might not realize the extent of the hurt and damage that it can cause. Now, before we get into solutions and how you break the cycle, I guess it's important for you to decide whether you actually want to break the cycle! Because this is something that's going to take some work on your part. I'm going to assume that if you're listening, you do want to break this cycle because you do recognize that these are problems in your relationship and that it can be hurtful and damaging So, if you want to make a change, the first thing you need to do. Is recognize when you're doing the stonewalling. The first step to changing any behavior is recognizing when you're doing it. When you notice that you're checking out, shutting down or walking away, take a mental pause and ask yourself, am I stonewalling because I feel overwhelmed? What am I avoiding? The awareness alone can start to shift your response. The second step is to shift your role. Instead of feeling pressured to answer on the spot, make it your job to fully understand what's being asked or what your partner is trying to express. Turn the conversation into a productive and connected exchange Here's a process that will help you do that. It's based on principles of active listening and listening for understanding. These are tools that most of us learn in some kind of leadership training for our business. And now we're just going to apply those same skills that you already have, to your relationship. The process has five steps. Step One is Just to Listen. When your partner is speaking, your only job is to listen. Nothing else. Don't interrupt. Don't plan your next response. Don't let your mind wander. Your goal is to be fully present and attentive. Think of listening as the only critical task. Step Two is to Reflect and Paraphrase. After they've spoken, paraphrase what you've heard in your own words. This not only ensures that you've understood their point, but also shows them that you're engaged. For example, you could say, "So, what I'm hearing is that you feel ignored when we keep putting off planning our big trip." This creates clarity and validation for both of you. Step Three is to Acknowledge their Emotions. Beyond just repeating the facts, acknowledge the emotions behind their words. This is key to helping your partner feel understood. You might say something like, "It sounds like this situation is making you feel frustrated and let down." This will show empathy and demonstrate that you're tuning into their feelings. Step Four is to Ask Open-Ended Questions. Instead of feeling pressured to answer immediately, ask thoughtful open-ended questions that encourage more dialogue, try something like, "Can you help me understand what's bothering you most about this?" Or, "How do you think we could fix this together?" This keeps the conversation flowing without making you feel like you need to have all the answers and all the solutions on the spot. But please don't say, "What do you want me to do?" That is not a helpful way to phrase the question, in this context or really in most contexts is not a helpful question. Step Five is to Ask for a Break if You Need One. After you've made sure you fully understand your partner's perspective, it's okay to ask for some time to process. Just be sure to communicate clearly that you'll come back to the conversation. Say something like, "I need a little time to think about this. But let's talk again later ...tomorrow ...whatever it is ...and we'll figure it out." This way you're giving yourself space while also committing to following up and resolving the issue. So after recognizing that you're stonewalling and deploying the active listening strategies, the third way to break the cycle is to start with small wins. You don't need to dive into the deepest, hardest conversations right away. Start with smaller issues, build trust, and practice, handling them without shutting down. Just like you tackle smaller tasks in business to build momentum, do the same in your relationship. Let's talk about why this approach works. It's not just a relationship saver. It's a game changer in any situation, actually. When you're in a high pressure meeting at work or navigating a tough conversation at home, listening for understanding allows you to stay calm, collected, and engaged. It builds trust, keeps the conversation productive, and helps avoid misunderstandings before they escalate. Anywhere you have problems to solve with others, this approach is actually magical. Active listening can help you handle difficult clients, lead more effectively, create stronger connections at work, lead in community organizations that you might participate in, it works with your parents. It works with your kids, but it especially works in your romantic partnership by shifting you from reacting to understanding. Before we wrap up here are three key points I hope you'll take away from today's episode: Number One is that Stonewalling Is Not Harmless Shutting down during difficult conversations may seem like a way to avoid conflict, but it's far from harmless. It creates emotional distance and leaves your partner feeling rejected. It can damage the trust in your relationship over time. Breaking the habit of stonewalling is essential for fostering a deeper, more connected partnership. Number Two is that Listening for Understanding Can Turn Conversations Around. Instead of feeling pressured to have all the answers, just focus on fully understanding the question, and understanding your partner's perspective. By actively listening, reflecting their emotions and asking open-ended questions, you'll create a deeper sense of connection and trust. And Number Three, Boundaries and Open Communication are Essential. Whether you're the one being stonewalled or the one who shuts down, setting clear boundaries and openly discussing the impact of stonewalling on your relationship is crucial. Without clear communication, unresolved issues will continue to grow. Don't hesitate to ask for help from a coach or a counselor, if necessary to work through these deeper communication barriers and rebuild your partnership. Avoiding difficult conversations might feel like a good way to keep the peace, but it's actually one of the most destructive habits in a relationship. The good news is that you already have all the tools you need to change it. By recognizing the pattern, taking intentional breaks, and applying the listing skills you already use in your work, you can create a relationship where tough conversations lead to more connections, not less. If this concept resonates with you and you're ready to take action, I'd love to help you. Head over to relationshipresetcall.com, and set up a time with me. We'll work together to identify the areas in your relationship that need attention, and develop a game plan to get things back on track. Alright. I hope today's episode added some real value to your life. If you are ready for more support ideas or just someone to brainstorm with here are three ways to get that. One is to join our private and free Passionate Partners Insider Community on Facebook for exclusive content and resources. Number two is to visit our website and our social channels to learn more about our programs, workshops, and private coaching options. That's passionatepartnersproject.com And number three, if you want to dive into your specific situation, book a free Relationship Reset Call with me. Whether it's a minor tune-up or a major overhaul, we'll make a plan to get you back on track. Just head over to relationshipresetcall.com to set that up. You'll find everything you need, including the links to everything I've mentioned. And my personal email right in the show notes. I'll be here whenever you're ready. And now I've got a request. I could really use your help to get the word out about Make More Love. First, if you haven't already, please hit follow and subscribe on whatever platform you prefer when you do that. It helps more people find the show and it makes sure you don't miss anything. And second, even more important leaving a review will really help me grow our community so we can reach even more people. And finally, if you know someone who's struggling in their relationship, please share the show with them. A simple share from you could be life-changing for them. So, thank you so much for spreading the word. I'm Ellen Dorian, and that's what I've got for you today. I believe you had good reasons for choosing the partner you have. My mission is to help you reconnect with those reasons and discover new ways to Make More Love in Your Life and With Your Wife.