27: Is Your Relationship Worth Saving?

27: Is Your Relationship Worth Saving? 


[00:00:00] Ellen Dorian: Hey there. Welcome to Make More Love. This is the show for driven entrepreneurial men who want their life to be about more than just business success. They also want a passionate, aligned, and fun relationship with their spouse that lasts a lifetime. 


[00:00:16] I'm your host Ellen Dorian, and this is your space for straight-up, judgment-free conversations about creating a life where you handle the demands of business, relationships and everything else in a holistic and fulfilling way. We're all about helping you be extraordinary in every way that matters. 


[00:00:35] If you're new to the show, be sure to hit that Follow or Subscribe button right now so you never miss an episode. If you're serious about transforming your relationship and your life, staying connected here is your first step. And, if you find today's conversation helpful, please share it with a friend who could use some new ideas for their own relationship. 


[00:00:55] So, something interesting happened last week. I had dental [00:01:00] surgery and to be honest, I wasn't fully prepared for the discomfort or the aftercare that came with it. So, while I'm recovering and taking it easy, I want to revisit one of my favorite episodes. It's one of the earliest ones, but it's also one of the most important ones. 


[00:01:16] I want to talk about why men choose to settle down in the first place and more importantly, why they should choose to stay when things get tough. To be honest. I don't believe that all relationships should continue. If physical, emotional or verbal abuse is present, don't stay. If substance abuse is present and the person is unwilling to address it, then don't stay. If you keep on wanting to hurt each other in any way, if either one of you is unwilling or unable to stop, then don't stay. 


[00:01:47] That seems logical, right? But that's enough of that. 


[00:01:50] Let's focus on when we can and want to do something about our relationships. 


[00:01:56] Most people get into committed relationships to fulfill [00:02:00] key needs and desires that can be hard to meet in any other way. 


[00:02:04] Here are the five most common reasons that men have given me for choosing a long-term committed relationship: 


[00:02:10] Number One is Sexual Fulfillment. 


[00:02:12] Consistent and meaningful physical intimacy is not just about sex. It's also about having a trusted partner with whom you can explore all types of intimacy. This is one of the biggest reasons why men are so hurt when their partner withdraws from sex in the relationship. It's not just the loss of sex, which is in itself a huge problem, but it's also the breaking of the trust you have in your partner to go there with you. 


[00:02:39] Number Two is Emotional Intimacy. 


[00:02:42] Committed relationships offer the kind of emotional connection that is exhausting to try to get with a lot of different people, especially for men who tend to be less comfortable sharing their emotional side. 


[00:02:54] Number Three is Companionship. 


[00:02:57] And this is way more important than some people think. Because [00:03:00] right now, people of all ages and men in particular are experiencing an epidemic of isolation and loneliness. The virtual nature of our lives today has the side effect of increasing those feelings. Having someone to do life with, good and bad experiences, victories and defeats, is central to our wellbeing. 


[00:03:20] Number Four is Meaning. 


[00:03:22] Many men feel a drift when they don't have a sense of direction in their lives. Without that, they tend to work too much, eat and drink too much, sleep around too much, and find other unhealthy distractions to occupy their time and attention, leaving them feeling empty. 


[00:03:40] Number Five is Legacy. 


[00:03:41] Whether they want to hand down their father's example, or they want to give someone else what they feel they never got from their fathers, many men want to pass on their values and traditions by leading a family and showing their partner what it means to be provided for. 


[00:03:57] You know, I'm not a huge fan of the provider [00:04:00] mentality, but these are my clients' words and I'm not going to gloss over that. 


[00:04:04] The thing is, as life gets more complicated, especially for us business owners, those key desires like intimacy, companionship, and sexual fulfillment often go unmet. And that leads to one of the biggest pain points I hear about, which is feeling unappreciated. 


[00:04:20] When your efforts go unnoticed and your partner no longer seems to value what you bring to the table, it hurts. If that feeling goes on for too long, it's natural to start asking, "Should I stay or should I go?" 


[00:04:34] So let's explore that. 


[00:04:37] But before we jump into that, I want to let you know about something special I offer to my listeners: A lot of you've been reaching out with questions about your own relationships and I want to help. So, I'm offering this free Relationship Reset Call. It's a quick 15 or so minutes. Just you and me, where we get the lay of the land and we sketch out a plan to get you moving in the right direction. 


[00:04:59] [00:05:00] If you're thinking about scheduling a call, here are a few questions to ask yourself: 


[00:05:05] Would you like to be sure that you're focusing on the most urgent and important issues in your relationship? 


[00:05:11] Would it be valuable for you to learn how to apply skills you've already mastered in your work to increase the passion in your relationship? 


[00:05:19] And. Would having an experienced guide help you stay on track as you implement new strategies? 


[00:05:27] If you answered "Yes," then let's connect. Just head over to relationshipresetcall.com, grab your spot, and we'll jump on a call and figure everything out. 


[00:05:35] Because honestly, ...and you know this as well as I do ...if you let your relationship slide, the cost to you financially, socially, emotionally, and in every other way is just enormous. It will truly put a dent in your armor. So let's not let that happen. Let's get you on a trajectory to Make More Love in Your Life and With Your Wife. 


[00:05:58] And, we're [00:06:00] back. 


[00:06:00] I'm going to reshare episode three of Make More Love. Which originally aired in February of 2024, where I break down this issue from an analytical perspective. 


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[00:06:13] Ellen Dorian: Today, we're going to take on a question that might well be on your mind. Faced with the relentless pressure and seemingly insurmountable challenges of both business and marriage, why should we keep trying to fix our relationship? 


[00:06:30] Just the other day, one of my clients told me his wife had called him out over his low key approach to Valentine's day. It was just one of a long series of complaints she'd made over the past several months, concluding with the accusation that he was not putting enough effort into their relationship. Here's how that went: 


[00:06:51] "How can she say I'm not putting in the effort? 


[00:06:54] I'm up at 4 at work by 5, working till 6 at night and I'd [00:07:00] work even more, but I want to see my kids before they go to bed. And then I want some cuddle time and a glass of wine with my wife. And then I gotta get into bed by 9 or 10, because 4:00 AM is coming again tomorrow and the next day, and the day after that. 


[00:07:14] I'm doing all this to give her the life I promised her when I married her and make sure we never have to worry about finances. If she can't understand that, then what are we doing here, and why should I even bother staying?" 


[00:07:28] Being a married business owner comes with a unique set of challenges. The stakes are higher. There's no safety net. You want the business to be successful and you want to have a life of love, appreciation, and mutual support with your wife. You probably know at least one if not many people in your world who have made a successful business, but at the expense of their marriage. Some people I know in the construction industry are on their third or fourth marriages, [00:08:00] so we know that it's hard. It doesn't take that much for the relationship to go off the rails. 


[00:08:07] You might have seen some signs, and you've likely tried a few things to put it back on track, but nothing really seems to stick. 


[00:08:18] Your partnership feels like it's disintegrating and you may be questioning the viability of the relationship you believed in so strongly up to this point. 


[00:08:28] So why persist? Why keep patching potholes when new ones keep showing up? 


[00:08:33] The answers to these questions may well lie in something I call the Relationship Drive Matrix. . 


[00:08:43] I believe there are two drives that motivate us to get into relationships in the first place and that can also motivate us to keep working on them. 


[00:08:52] Imagine a graph built on two axes. Yes, like you learned in high school geometry! Okay, [00:09:00] the X-axis represents the emotional drive, which is to avoid pain and increase joy in your life. 


[00:09:09] The Y-axis represents the social drive to reduce isolation and increase connection. 


[00:09:17] So, what you have now is that graph with four quadrants that represent four relationship situations you might find yourself in. 


[00:09:25] I hope you can see this in your head. 


[00:09:28] So, In quadrant one, which if you're visualizing, this is probably in the lower left, we have the quadrant of sadness and loneliness. In this quadrant you're grappling with both emotional pain and a sense of isolation in your relationship. It's a stark reminder of why we yearn for more and why we seek to escape this desolate corner. 


[00:09:56] In quadrant two, which if you're picturing this in your head, [00:10:00] is the upper left quadrant. Here, you've got the structure of connection but there's no joy, which makes that connection feel more like a dependency and a liability. 


[00:10:10] And, you may feel like a martyr to the cause of sticking it out in a marriage that isn't serving your higher needs. You may fall back on a sense of honor that keeps you in place. 


[00:10:21] I think this is the trickiest situation to understand because in truth, all relationships go through periods of stability without joy. You'll have to reflect on if that's a temporary state in your relationship or a chronic one. 


[00:10:36] So let's move on to quadrant three, which is seeking joy beyond the relationship. And that would be the lower right quadrant. 


[00:10:47] This is a dangerous crossroads where the absence of connection, the isolation that you feel, and the search for joy potentially leads us away from our partners, risking [00:11:00] choices we might later regret. This is a prime position for infidelity to creep in whether that's emotional cheating or physical or sexual connection with someone outside your marriage. 


[00:11:10] I know infidelity is a very hot topic and we'll go in depth about it in a future episode. But I promise, as always this show is a no judgment zone. Whether you're considering stepping out or you've actually done it, what I care about is helping you find a way to recover the joy and connection of your marriage so you won't feel the need to go outside of it. 


[00:11:35] That brings us to quadrant four- ideal joy and connection, which of course is the upper right quadrant. 


[00:11:43] If we want to make more love, which is my mission, this quadrant is the place to be. It's where joy and connection intersect, forming the foundation of a resilient and rock solid relationship. 


[00:11:57] Now don't get me wrong. It's not all sunshine [00:12:00] and rainbows. There are plenty of challenges and potential for pain, but there's a foundation you can stand on to overcome those obstacles. 


[00:12:09] Keep in mind that life is rarely as clean cut as geometry, so you may be straddling a few of them and you may float between a few of them. But get a sense for yourself about approximately which one of those four situations most closely resembles your current relationship. 


[00:12:30] Our exploration of this matrix isn't just about avoiding pain or seeking pleasure. It's about understanding what's missing so we can build a partnership that can withstand the upheaval, the boredom, the crises, and the everything else that gets thrown at us, to help us keep coming back together to find connection and joy with each other. 


[00:12:52] Now that we've laid out the landscapes of this Relationship Drive Matrix, let's talk about what it really takes to [00:13:00] navigate those quadrants and find that joy and connection. 


[00:13:03] It comes down to a journey of personal growth. The path to a hot and healthy marriage starts with your personal growth. It means having a good look at what led you to this point. What can you learn from the challenges you're facing now? 


[00:13:21] Where could you direct your attention that would increase your power to remake your relationship? How can you give your partner more points of connection? And how can you do all of this even in the face of the huge demands of a growing business. 


[00:13:38] These are questions that you'll need to ask yourself. 


[00:13:42] And now I want to talk about the Power of One. 


[00:13:46] Re-engaging in your relationship is a process of rediscovering the original spark, prioritizing your unique connection, and cultivating joy in each other's lives. But all of that begins with [00:14:00] one simple choice: You must choose to tap into the Power of One... and you're the One. That's both the beauty and the challenge of my approach. 


[00:14:12] The beauty is that it doesn't rely on anyone else but you. You have the power to bring forth change. And not only that, but you also have already mastered the skills you need to do it in other areas of your life. You just need to learn to apply those skills you've already mastered in this domain of relationship. 


[00:14:34] So that's the beauty of it. And the challenge is you can't wait for anyone else to take the first step. That's going to be up to you. 


[00:14:45] Ellen Dorian: Okay. 


[00:14:46] And now I've shared with you the original recording of Episode Three. That episode is crucial to understanding the motivations for staying in a relationship. 


[00:14:55] Now, let's move into my three-step strategy to address [00:15:00] feelings of being unappreciated and to rebuild connection: 


[00:15:03] Let's start by taking a minute to assess how you're showing up in the relationship. Are you always distracted or stressed or distant? Make the choice to change your energy, whether it's being more attentive or calming yourself before interacting with your partner. The decision is key to setting the stage for a deeper connection. 


[00:15:24] Number two is to focus on the reasons why you appreciate your partner. Internally acknowledge what you value about your partner. You don't have to tell them about it right now if you don't feel like it. Just start by looking at the little things you appreciate about them. That alone will shift your approach in subtle ways with a potentially bigger impact than you realize. 


[00:15:48] And step three is to take one meaningful action. Do one small, intentional thing to create more connection, whether that's a thoughtful gesture, initiating shared [00:16:00] time, or simply being fully engaged in a moment together. Or, use one of the romantic hero power moves that you learned in Episode 25. 


[00:16:11] Taking action will almost certainly make you feel better about yourself. It's also likely that your partner will take notice, which can help them shift the dynamic in a positive direction. 


[00:16:23] So that's the three step strategy to address feeling unappreciated and rebuild connection. You can start anytime you want. Just go ahead and give it a try. 


[00:16:34] Before we wrap up here are three key points I hope you'll take away from today's episode. 


[00:16:39] Number one: Choosing to work on your relationship. 


[00:16:43] Men often seek a committed relationship for reasons like sexual fulfillment, intimacy, companionship, meaning, and legacy. Reflecting on why you made this choice can help ground your decisions when your relationship faces challenges. 


[00:16:57] Number two: A strong relationship begins with [00:17:00] your personal growth. 


[00:17:01] Take time to reflect on your role and think about what small changes you can make to foster more connection and presence in your marriage. 


[00:17:09] Number three: You hold the power to create change. 


[00:17:13] Through the Power of One, and the One is You, you can take proactive steps to improve your relationship. You don't need to wait for your partner to act. Simple intentional actions from you can make a significant difference in the overall dynamic. 


[00:17:30] Alright. I hope today's episode added some real value to your life. If you are ready for more support ideas or just someone to brainstorm with here are three ways to get that. 


[00:17:42] One is to join our private and free Passionate Partners, Insider Community on Facebook for exclusive content and resources. 


[00:17:50] Number two is to visit our website and our social channels to learn more about our programs, workshops, and private coaching options. That's [00:18:00] passionatepartnersproject.com 


[00:18:01] And number three, if you want to dive into your specific situation, book a free Relationship Reset Call with me. Whether it's a minor tune-up or a major overhaul, we'll make a plan to get you back on track. Just head over to relationshipresetcall.com to set that up. 


[00:18:19] You'll find everything you need, including the links to everything I've mentioned. And my personal email right in the show notes. 


[00:18:26] I'll be here whenever you're ready. 


[00:18:29] And now I've got a request. I could really use your help to get the word out about Make More Love. 


[00:18:36] First, if you haven't already, please hit follow and subscribe on whatever platform you prefer when you do that. It helps more people find the show and it makes sure you don't miss anything. 


[00:18:46] And second, even more important leaving a review will really help me grow our community so we can reach even more people. 


[00:18:55] And finally, if you know someone who's struggling in their relationship, please [00:19:00] share the show with them. A simple share from you could be life-changing for them. So, thank you so much for spreading the word. 


[00:19:07] I'm Ellen Dorian, and that's what I've got for you today. 


[00:19:10] I believe you had good reasons for choosing the partner you have. My mission is to help you reconnect with those reasons and discover new ways to Make More Love in Your Life and With Your Wife.