28: You've Tried Everything: Why Your Relationship Fixes Haven't Worked

Ellen Dorian:
00:00:05

​Hey there. Welcome to Make More Love. This is the show for driven entrepreneurial men who want their life to be about more than just business success. They also want a passionate, aligned, and fun relationship with their spouse that lasts a lifetime. I'm your host Ellen Dorian, and this is your space for straight-up, judgment-free conversations about creating a life where you handle the demands of business, relationships and everything else in a holistic and fulfilling way. We're all about helping you be extraordinary in every way that matters. If you're new to the show, be sure to hit that Follow or Subscribe button right now so you never miss an episode. If you're serious about transforming your relationship and your life, staying connected here is your first step. And, if you find today's conversation helpful, please share it with a friend who could use some new ideas for their own relationship. I have a question for you. Deep down, do you feel like you've already tried everything you can think of to bring back the intimate intensity of your relationship? Like you've done all the classics, like flowers and candlelight dinners and bubble baths and rose petal trails and jewelry and fancy getaways. And, maybe you've also done that self-help approach. Read the books, listen to the podcast. Had the deep conversations gotten all vulnerable. Maybe even tried counseling. And yet. None of that seems to have really worked either. Today, I'm going to help you understand why, what you've tried. Hasn't worked and show you how to break out of that cycle. If you've ever felt like you've done everything to get closer to your partner only to keep hitting a wall, you are not alone. It's painful, right? You're left feeling like a failure. Wondering what else you could possibly do. The frustration and loneliness are overwhelming. No matter how much you give, it never seems to be enough. I hear that from many, many of my clients and my listeners. So let's get into this by talking about the "trying everything" trap. Actually there's four ways that we get stuck in the trap of trying everything. The first two ways are about the problem themselves. Every problem, whether it's in business or in your relationship has to part. The first part is diagnosing the problem, figuring out what's really wrong. So you can make a plan to fix it. And then the second part is coming up with what exactly you're going to do to fix it. And there are two ways we often get stuck. The first way is that you get stuck in diagnosis mode. You keep going over and over what the problem is, endlessly talking and analyzing every detail, but really never moving forward to the solution phase, like a broken record. And it feels like you're running in circles, and you are because you're not actually getting anywhere. And the second way is the opposite, where you might jump straight to the solution because you assume you already know the problem. But in reality, you haven't dug deep enough, so you're solving for a surface problem without actually identifying the underlying issue that's causing it. This is a classic pattern of Ready. Fire. Aim. And essentially that's the nature of the trial and error process, which we know is not efficient in any domain. Every business owner has had that experience in their business life, and I'm pretty sure you recognize it in your personal life too. But in relationships, we have even less patience and tolerance for it. The third reason we get stuck in the "try everything" trap is because we tend to do things on our own terms. You might feel like you're doing all the right things, but are you doing things because they're comfortable for you to do. Or are you really focusing on what your partner needs or what the problem needs in order to be solved? When you rush to solve the problem without understanding what the actual needs of your partner are, it's like throwing spaghetti at the wall. For example, you might think that helping around the house or running errands is what's needed, so your partner won't be too tired to connect with you later on. Your partner might even express to you that they're tired and that's why they don't want to connect. But, it could be that they're tired of the way that you're interacting with them. And so, the things you're doing to solve the tiredness problem aren't solving the kind of tiredness that they're experiencing. Maybe their love language is Words of Affirmation, and doing all those things to help out around the house is not going to make them feel any more loved at all. You're operating on your own terms on your giving love language, not their receiving love language. They might just need to hear from you, how excited you are to be with them, how much you love them, how hot they are, whatever they need in order to feel loved so that they want to connect with you. And the fourth issue that comes up is around your motivations. Sometimes the effort you're putting in is driven by an expectation of an outcome. You're doing the things to get a specific outcome, whether that's more intimacy or affection or connection or time together. But when the actions that you're doing are motivated by an expected reward rather than a genuine desire to make your partner feel loved and feel happy to be with you, those actions lose their impact. And nothing changes because the underlying motivation isn't about creating real emotional connection. Now that we've looked at the reasons why people get stuck in the trying everything trap. Let's talk about how you can move forward. But before we jump into that, I want to let you know about something special I offer to my listeners: A lot of you've been reaching out with questions about your own relationships and I want to help. So, I'm offering this free Relationship Reset Call. It's a quick 15 or so minutes. Just you and me, where we get the lay of the land and we sketch out a plan to get you moving in the right direction. If you're thinking about scheduling a call, here are a few questions to ask yourself: Would you like to be sure that you're focusing on the most urgent and important issues in your relationship? Would it be valuable for you to learn how to apply skills you've already mastered in your work to increase the passion in your relationship? And. Would having an experienced guide help you stay on track as you implement new strategies? If you answered "Yes," then let's connect. Just head over to relationshipresetcall.com, grab your spot, and we'll jump on a call and figure everything out. Because honestly, ...and you know this as well as I do ...if you let your relationship slide, the cost to you financially, socially, emotionally, and in every other way is just enormous. It will truly put a dent in your armor. So let's not let that happen. Let's get you on a trajectory to Make More Love in Your Life and With Your Wife. And we're back. I'm sure by now you've heard of the Five Love Languages. I've mentioned them a few times in various episodes and other content I've created. But maybe you don't really know about them or you don't know enough to take advantage of them. So, I'm just going to give you a quick primer. The concept of love languages was developed by Gary Chapman PhD in his book, The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. It was on the New York Times Bestseller List for five years straight. The premise is that people have different ways they communicate love to their partner and receive love. And Chapman breaks these down into five unique styles of communicating love. Number one is Words of Affirmation. That's using words to show love, like compliments, appreciation, encouragement, saying I love you, postcards, text messages, poems stories, songs, you name it. The second one is Quality Time. Doing things together, even if you're not doing anything particularly romantic together, just being together is very important for people who have Quality Time as a primary love language. The third one is Acts of Service which is doing things for your partner, that make their lives easier and show that you care These actions speak Louder than words. The fourth is the Giving and Receiving of Gifts Thoughtful, meaningful, physical symbols of love, relationship, et cetera. Not really about money, but more about meaning. And number five is Physical Touch Physical intimacy, hugs, holding hands, sex, all of these. So those are the Five Love Languages, and it's not enough to just know what they are. You have to figure out what your partner's primary love languages are. Actually, everyone has a little bit of all of these, so what you're looking for is your partner's primary love languages. And it gets even more complicated because it turns out that everybody has a Primary giving love language at a Primary receiving love language. And a lot of times those are not the same. For example, You might have a giving love language of Acts of Service, doing things for other people, but you're receiving love language might be something different like Words of Affirmation, having your partner say, I love you having your partner tell you how hot you look, or things like that. So, if you are focused on doing things that are your primary giving love language. But your partner's primary receiving love language is not aligned with that, they're not going to feel loved in the same way as if you use their primary receiving love languages. That's probably worth a couple of illustrations, so here's a couple of stories: One of my clients came to me with this really common frustration. He said, "She tells me she loves me all the time. She gives me cards. She calls me, she texts me just to say it again. She leaves little notes around the house, but here's the thing, she doesn't like to spend time with me. When I ask her to watch the game with me, she just gets bored and leaves. or when I suggest that we go hiking together, she gets cranky and bails halfway through. I just want her to want to be with me. What do I do?" So that's an example. And another client had a different frustration. He said, "She's always fishing for compliments. She wants me to tell her how beautiful she is and how much I love her. But when I try to touch her or pull her in for a hug, she pushes me away. she doesn't seem to notice that I can't even keep my hands to myself when I'm around her. She just wants to hear me saying it. But honestly it feels silly to say, I love you 20 times a day. And when she tells me 20 times a day, how much he loves me, that starts to feel fake to me. I don't understand it." So in both cases, you can see the issue wasn't the effort that the person put in. It was the mismatch between the love languages. In one case, the person's receiving love language was quality time, so he wasn't feeling loved when his partner just kept telling him. And the other case his partner's primary love language was words of affirmation, and his was trying to connect by physical touch. I hope those explanations help. So now I hope you understand why doing things on your own terms or with misaligned motivations doesn't work, and how the Five Love Languages can help you focus on your partner's needs. Let's talk about that in terms of action steps. So the first step is to know your own love languages and your partner's, both for giving and for receiving. Taking the time to figure that out, both for yourself and your partner. The second step is to identify any gaps. Are you showing love in a way that's natural for you, but not meaningful for them? And if so, There's a gap that you need to fill. The third step is to start small and be consistent. This is not about getting things done perfectly. It's one of those cases where quantity is just as important as quality. And number four is stick with it. This isn't a quick fix. It's like building a muscle and the more you practice, the better you're going to get. So let's talk about practicing your partner's love language. A great first step for everyone is to review the Romantic Hero Power Moves that I shared with you in Make More Love Episode 25. That gives you a Look, a Touch, and a Word that you can do to show love to your partner and to bring you closer together. In addition to that, I've put together a list of non-routine interesting ideas for each of the love languages, and hopefully you'll find at least one you haven't tried before. Starting with Words of Affirmation If your partner loves words, then think beyond the usual compliments. One client of mine made a word a day calendar for his partner that highlighted the ways she made his life better. Or try something fun, like working up a standup routine that's funny but also showcases how amazing your partner is. Write a story, a song, a poem, record a video. If you're not the creative type, no problem. There are pros out there who can help with services that can write custom songs or poems for your partner. Um, just have a look around on Fiverr for instance, and you'll find people there. Second one is Quality Time. The goal here is to create memories that you can laugh about and talk about for years. How about planning a scavenger hunt in your neighborhood where each stop has a special meaning for your relationship? Or go on a spontaneous date where you have zero plans, just pick random streets to walk down or drive with no destination mind and see where you end up. That's a great way to spend quality time together and it's low stress because you don't have to plan in advance. The third one is Acts of Service. Now, if you're an Acts of Service kind of person, try to take something off of your partner's plate completely and for good. That is a kick-ass act of service. For example. Take over all their car maintenance. Do all the oil changes. The winter tires, the inspections, the car washes, fill it with gas. If it snows where you live, brush off their car and start it after every storm So that all they ever have to do. This go to their car, put the key in the ignition and go. They will love you forever. For that. The next one is Giving and Receiving Gifts. So think outside the box, gifts they didn't even know they wanted. For instance, put together a personalized kit for a hobby that they've neglected. One of my clients put together a Writers Retreat in a Box. They put in notebooks and fancy pens, and a journal with journaling prompts. They gave it to their partner who loved to write, and hadn't had time to do it in a long time. And this sparked ideas in them and really brought them closer together. You can go for something a little more out there, like name a star after them, or save a whale for them, something along those lines. Or you could maybe get them some artwork from a local artist that speaks to something special in your relationship. And the last one is physical touch. And stay tuned for some awesome physical touch. ideas on future episodes of Make More Love. But for now. Let's just mix it up a little bit. So learn how to give a facial. Cause that's a little different from the usual massage. Or if you are old enough to remember what Twister is and you can get your hands on a game, pull that out on a Friday night for some fun physical contact. Or try sleeping naked like we talked about in episode 21 of Make More Love. You could try a silent connection night. Where you communicate only through touch and eye contact instead of relying on words just for the whole evening. So I hope you've gotten a couple ideas for things you might not have tried yet, but the bottom line of this whole episode is that you need to stop trying everything, and do the right things to move your relationship forward. That's how you establish a better connection. Before we wrap up, here are three key points I want you to take away from today's episode: Number one is to understand the real problem before you start rushing into solutions. Getting stuck in diagnosis mode or rushing into solutions with the Ready. Fire. Aim approach without fully understanding what's going on just ends up in a loop of endless frustration. So slow down, identify the root issue and focus on what truly needs attention. Number two is to stop operating on your own terms. One of the biggest mistakes that you want to avoid is doing what feels natural to you without considering what your partner truly needs. The Five Love Languages are a powerful tool to help you step out of your comfort zone in a way that really matters to them and gets you out of that trap of trying everything and Number three is consistency over perfection Building a fulfilling relationship is about showing up consistently and practicing your partner's love language, even if it feels a little unfamiliar or challenging for you at first. They will appreciate the effort, even if you don't get it exactly right. And if you keep practicing, you will get it exactly right. Alright. I hope today's episode added some real value to your life. If you are ready for more support ideas or just someone to brainstorm with here are three ways to get that. One is to join our private and free Passionate Partners, Insider Community on Facebook for exclusive content and resources. Number two is to visit our website and our social channels to learn more about our programs, workshops, and private coaching options. That's passionatepartnersproject.com And number three, if you want to dive into your specific situation, book a free Relationship Reset Call with me. Whether it's a minor tune-up or a major overhaul, we'll make a plan to get you back on track. Just head over to relationshipresetcall.com to set that up. You'll find everything you need, including the links to everything I've mentioned. And my personal email right in the show notes. I'll be here whenever you're ready. And now I've got a request. I could really use your help to get the word out about Make More Love. First, if you haven't already, please hit follow and subscribe on whatever platform you prefer when you do that. It helps more people find the show and it makes sure you don't miss anything. And second, even more important leaving a review will really help me grow our community so we can reach even more people. And finally, if you know someone who's struggling in their relationship, please share the show with them. A simple share from you could be life-changing for them. So, thank you so much for spreading the word. I'm Ellen Dorian, and that's what I've got for you today. I believe you had good reasons for choosing the partner you have. My mission is to help you reconnect with those reasons and discover new ways to Make More Love in Your Life and With Your Wife.