30: Compartmentalizing Your Life is Hurting Your Relationship – Here’s the Fix

Ellen Dorian:
00:00:00

Hey there. Welcome to Make More Love. This is the show for driven entrepreneurial men who want their life to be about more than just business success. They also want a passionate, aligned, and fun relationship with their spouse that lasts a lifetime. I'm your host Ellen Dorian, and this is your space for straight-up, judgment-free conversations about creating a life where you handle the demands of business, relationships and everything else in a holistic and fulfilling way. We're all about helping you be extraordinary in every way that matters. If you're new to the show, be sure to hit that Follow or Subscribe button right now so you never miss an episode. If you're serious about transforming your relationship and your life, staying connected here is your first step. And, if you find today's conversation helpful, please share it with a friend who could use some new ideas for their own relationship. Today, we're going to talk about Work-Life Balance. Work-life balance has been a buzz phrase since the 1980s, when the corporate world first figured out it could squeeze more productivity out of employees if they allowed them to take care of their health and their families. Personally, I think work-life balance is BS, especially for business owners. First off, even the expression "work-life balance" doesn't make sense to us because we don't see work and life as two separate things, so how are we supposed to balance something that's only one thing? Second, it emphasizes compartmentalization, which leads us to split work, relationships, personal interest and health into silos, which if you ask me is a guaranteed path to burn out. Third, it brings constant context switching and its evil twin multitasking. It drains us and tears us apart. It's hardly efficient, and frankly, it's a painful way to live. and fourth, the whole idea behind it was to pressure corporations into treating people like human beings, not machines. It's not like it was a self-care mandate. So, work-life balance may be BS, but the problem is real. Your work is your life, but so is your marriage. A big part of why you're doing this is to provide your wife with the Good Life you promised when you married her, right? Of course it's tough when your work and your wife are competing for your time and attention. You've got to figure out a way to satisfy both or you risk losing everything. So, when you're at your wit's end and you finally seek advice to be told that you need better work-life balance is eye rollingly frustrating. So, what is the alternative if work-life balance isn't it? We'll talk about that next... But before we jump into that, I want to let you know about something special I offer to my listeners: A lot of you've been reaching out with questions about your own relationships and I want to help. So, I'm offering this free Relationship Reset Call. It's a quick 15 or so minutes. Just you and me, where we get the lay of the land and we sketch out a plan to get you moving in the right direction. If you're thinking about scheduling a call, here are a few questions to ask yourself: Would you like to be sure that you're focusing on the most urgent and important issues in your relationship? Would it be valuable for you to learn how to apply skills you've already mastered in your work to increase the passion in your relationship? And. Would having an experienced guide help you stay on track as you implement new strategies? If you answered "Yes," then let's connect. Just head over to relationship reset call dot com grab your spot, and we'll jump on a call and figure everything out. Because honestly, ...and you know this as well as I do ...if you let your relationship slide, the cost to you financially, socially, emotionally, and in every other way is just enormous. It will truly put a dent in your armor. So let's not let that happen. Let's get you on a trajectory to Make More Love in Your Life and With Your Wife. And we are back. Part Two. 5 Key Principles Okay, so far, I've shared four reasons why work-life balance doesn't cut it for business owners: A: We don't see them as separate. B: It feeds into unhealthy compartmentalization. C: It requires a lot of context switching, which wastes a lot of energy. and D: It's not a prescription for self care. Instead, we need our life to adapt to our needs, ambitions and relationships. That's where Work-Life Integration comes in. Integration is work-life balance that actually works. It blends business life, personal interests, family life, and self care into a cohesive system where everything is connected and flows in the same direction. If we hope to achieve this though, we're going to need a new playbook, and I'm going to share mine, which is based on five key principles. So let's break those down: Principle #1 is to design your world to suit you. My own coach has often says it's easier to change your world to fit you than it is to change yourself to fit the world. This one really hit home for me. Here's just one example from my own life. See... I'm a night owl. I always have been. I remember as a five-year-old having a full on tantrum at a friend's sleeover because her dad made us go to bed early. My own parents tried their best, but by the time I was 11 or so, they'd given up. They would just remind me to turn off the lights when I was done, and then they'd head to bed while I stayed up watching Midnight Special and Don Kirschner's Rock Concert. Fast forward a few decades.... when I first got into coaching... and I forced myself to fit in with my clients who were construction business owners. That's the original 5:00 AM Club. But, once I took my coach's advice and started shaping my world to fit my true nature... like saying no to 7:00 AM meetings... my life improved. It turned out that my clients preferred later times for our meetings too. After all, they were up at 5:00 AM because they were busy. So embracing our own needs, like my night owl habits, moves us in the direction of integration, shaping our world to fit us and moving us toward better flow in our lives overall. Now I'll ask you what is one step you could take to redesign your work life, to better suit your true nature? Think about that while we move on to principle number 2. 2: Embrace your Authenticity. Are you living a Clark Kent-to-Superman lifestyle, thinking you need to lose the glasses and put on a cape so you can save the world? Interesting thing about Clark Kent. You know he didn't need the cape, right? He had all the superpowers anyway. He was really just compartmentalizing, which is the opposite of authenticity. Now, a lot of really good coaches I know use cues to switch between life domains. For example, my own coach wears a certain color to become the "onstage" version of himself. And another coach I know wears a wristband as a visual reminder to put his work persona away when he's interacting with his wife, because he's not the boss of her. While those structures can be very effective, they can also work against you if being authentic is your goal. The real key to authentic living is mastering your attention. This is what will allow you to become wholly yourself in every context. In future episodes, we'll do a deep dive on that and I'll make my case for how mastering your attention will transform your life, but it's too much for this episode so we're going to move on. Once you've embraced your authentic self, the next step is to free our relationship from competitive tensions. 3: No Triangles One of the biggest problems with being a married business owner is that it's almost impossible to avoid your business competing directly against your relationship for your attention. In 2014, INC Magazine ran a gut wrenching article called, "The Start of a Company, the End of a Marriage." That article became my blueprint for the problem I wanted to solve, both through my coaching and through this podcast. There's a copy of the article in the Passionate Partners Insider Community, which is our private Facebook group. So if you haven't read it, you should head over there after the episode and get it. In the meantime, I'm going to read you this one passage and you will get the picture. "Sometimes the Passionate relationship you form with your company begins to feel almost like, well, cheating. Said the entrepreneur featured in the story. The first love of my life was my company. And even though I married my wife and I loved her, I don't think it ever came up to the passion that I felt for my company." Put yourself in that wife's shoes, when she saw that in print. I'll bet good money that you do not want to make your wife feel that way. The "work-wife triangle" is a direct result of you falling into the role of serving your business instead of designing your business to serve your life and by extension your relationship. Living authentically and realigning your work so it doesn't compete with your relationship will set you up to execute on the next principle, which is about engaging fully and not just being in the room. #4: Intentional Presence I am not talking about some kind of strict Nine-to-Five dream life here. I know that's not going to happen. You know, that's not going to happen. What I'm talking about is making sure your mind is focused where your feet are planted. This means structuring your business so you don't have to sleep with your cell phone on the pillow next to you.... that you can take a vacation and actually unplug... that you can go on a date night and be up for whatever happens. I have a friend who is career military. He's away from home for quite long stretches and his work is all consuming. He and his wife made a pact. She told him, 'I don't need you to be here 100% of the time, but I do need 100% of you when you are here." And that is how they keep their marriage a Passionate Partnership. When we're intentionally present, our partner gets to experience us fully without distraction or divided attention, making each moment count even more. Now we've tailored our world aligned our true selves, prioritized our relationships and deepened our presence. The final principle completes the integration by leveraging what we already excel at. #5: Use the Business Skills You've Already Mastered and Apply Those to Your Relationship. One of the things I discovered by combining business coaching with relationship coaching is it the same five strategies that drive business success can also foster a Passionate marriage. I had a conversation with a colleague once who said he was having trouble talking with his wife about making their relationship work better. He asked how he could even open up the subject. And I asked him, "Well, How would you start the conversation with your business partner?" And he said, "Well, I'd just set up a time... maybe we get a coffee and then say, things aren't working the way I want them to.' Let's figure out how to do this better." Then I asked him, "So what would it be like if you did that with your wife?" And he said, "Well, it sounds simple when you put it that way." That's what I mean about using the business skills you've already mastered and applying those to your relationship. I've actually put together a formula for this purpose, which is too much to share now, but I'm going to share with you in a future episode. So, those are the five key principles: Design your world Embrace your authenticity No Triangles Intentional Presence and Leverage What You Excel At. These principles don't exist in isolation. Together, they form a framework that enhances every aspect of your life. Next, I'll give you three practical tips for implementing these principles, so you can start seeing positive change as quickly as possible. Part Three. Putting the Principles into Action The pursuit of work-life integration isn't about achieving this stereotypical dream life. It's about leveraging synergies. As you get started, you allow these synergies to emerge and then slowly build momentum so you won't feel like you're pushing a rock up hill forever. Here are 3 Steps to get you rolling: 1: Start Slow This is not a time when going faster is going to get you there quicker. Pick one strategy and take the time to let it become habit. Before you move on to the next one. 2: Set Micro-Goals Be honest with yourself about how much change you can realistically make at one time. And, don't set yourself up for failure by trying to meet impossibly high expectations. Progress, Not Perfection is a cliché precisely because it's been true for so long. And #3 is to Get Support. Work-life integration is not a DIY project. It requires an outside perspective. Isn't that why you're here listening? It's definitely why I'm here talking. So why not book a call and let's look at your specific situation. It's free. It's short. It might just change your life. Look for the calendar link in the show notes for the free Relationship Reset Call and just pick a time. That fence you've been sitting on is leaving marks on your butt. Creating an integrated life is like crafting a masterpiece. It's an art and a science. Every day is an opportunity to blend the different parts of your life in new and exciting ways. Your business goals and personal dreams are not at odds. They're multipliers. and that is how you #makemorelove in your life. Here are a few key points from this episode that I hope you'll take with you: 1. Work-life balance is an outdated concept that doesn't fit the reality of business owners. Instead work-life integration is a more effective approach, blending all aspects of life into a cohesive experience. 2. The five principles of work-life integration are: Designing your world to suit your needs, Embracing your authenticity, Avoiding the work wife triangle, Practicing intentional presence. And Leveraging business skills you excel at to enhance your personal relationship. To get started, choose small manageable changes, set realistic micro goals for steady progress and seek expert support to navigate the transition effectively. It also helps to keep the big picture in mind... a harmonious and fulfilling life that rewards you for everything you do, day after day. Alright. I hope today's episode added some real value to your life. If you are ready for more support ideas or just someone to brainstorm with here are three ways to get that. One is to join our private and free Passionate Partners, Insider Community on Facebook for exclusive content and resources. Number two is to visit our website and our social channels to learn more about our programs, workshops, and private coaching options. That's passionatepartnersproject.com And number three, if you want to dive into your specific situation, book a free Relationship Reset Call with me. Whether it's a minor tune-up or a major overhaul, we'll make a plan to get you back on track. Just head over to relationshipresetcall.com to set that up. You'll find everything you need, including the links to everything I've mentioned. And my personal email right in the show notes. I'll be here whenever you're ready. And now I've got a request. I could really use your help to get the word out about Make More Love. First, if you haven't already, please hit follow and subscribe on whatever platform you prefer when you do that. It helps more people find the show and it makes sure you don't miss anything. And second, even more important leaving a review will really help me grow our community so we can reach even more people. And finally, if you know someone who's struggling in their relationship, please share the show with them. A simple share from you could be life-changing for them. So, thank you so much for spreading the word. I believe you had good reasons for choosing the partner you have. My mission is to help you reconnect with those reasons and discover new ways to Make More Love in Your Life and With Your Wife. I'm Ellen Dorian, and that's what I've got for you today.