31: How to Handle Relationship Obligations You'd Rather Skip

Ellen Dorian:
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Hey there. Welcome to Make More Love. This is the show for driven entrepreneurial men who want their life to be about more than just business success. They also want a passionate, aligned, and fun relationship with their spouse that lasts a lifetime. I'm your host Ellen Dorian, and this is your space for straight-up, judgment-free conversations about creating a life where you handle the demands of business, relationships and everything else in a holistic and fulfilling way. We're all about helping you be extraordinary in every way that matters. If you're new to the show, be sure to hit that Follow or Subscribe button right now so you never miss an episode. If you're serious about transforming your relationship and your life, staying connected here is your first step. And, if you find today's conversation helpful, please share it with a friend who could use some new ideas for their own relationship. Being a grownup means having obligations. And frankly, if they were all fun we wouldn't call them obligations. There are a lot of different types, but today I'm going to focus mostly on events. Maybe it's sitting through a four-hour dance recital, or managing some family drama, or navigating the annual holiday chaos. I'm sure you have your own list. It is tough and no one loves putting time and energy into something they'd rather avoid. But here's how I see it. When I say the word currency, your mind probably jumps to money. But money isn't the most valuable currency. It's just a representation of the real currencies of life, which are Time and Presence. And choosing to spend those on these obligations isn't easy, but it does matter. So today, let's talk about why you should want to, whether you feel you have a choice or not. Let's be honest. When it comes to the less fun stuff of "adulting" we're tempted to look for an easy way out. Whether it's refusing outright, disengaging, or making up an excuse, there are plenty of ways to avoid something you don't want to do. Each of those options might save you some discomfort in the moment, but they almost always create bigger problems in your relationship down the line. We're going to talk about the three common ways people typically avoid obligations. But to really understand the impact of those avoidance strategies, we need to take a quick look at the Relationship Hierarchy of Needs. We all get into relationships because we want our needs met. That's the bottom line. And, just like Maslow's Hierarchy describes human needs for surviving and thriving, I've created a Hierarchy of Relationship Needs: the things we are looking for to achieve fulfillment by connecting with another person. The foundation of that hierarchy is Vitality, the baseline of physical, mental, and emotional health that we need to sustain any connection with another person. Next is Stability, which is about safety, trust and dependability. Then comes Belonging, which is about acceptance and having a home in the metaphorical sense. After that is Affinity. And that's about truly liking each other and making each other feel loved, appreciated, and understood. Finally, at the top is Passion, the powerful dynamic energy that fuels intimate intensity, attraction and compelling desire. We did a deep dive on this topic in Make More Love Episode 4, and it was one of our top rated episodes ever. So if you haven't heard it. You can go do that after this. Now. Let's move on to those avoidance options and the problems they create. The first one is the Hard Pass. This is the, "Just Say No" approach. You flat out refuse to participate and you make it clear you're not interested. It might even feel empowering, like you're setting boundaries and protecting your time. But here's the problem. Oh, a hard pass. Isn't just about skipping the event. It's about leaving your partner to face it alone and sending the message that what's important to them doesn't matter to you. And that chips away at the Belonging stage of the hierarchy. In the short term, you may avoid the discomfort, but the long-term cost is resentment and disconnection. The second one is the Silent Protest. That's when you're physically present but mentally and emotionally absent. Maybe you sit silently at the dinner table. Or, even worse, you let out an exaggerated sigh every five minutes. By the way, doing this nullifies, the silent part of the Silent Protest. Or you're glued to your phone. Or you stand by yourself in the corner at the party, avoiding contact with anyone. You might think you're avoiding conflict by keeping your mouth shut, but your nonverbal cues are screaming loud and clear. Don't think you're fooling your partner. They see your disengagement. They're going to feel unsupported and rejected. Over time, this lack of engagement can leave your partner feeling unloved and invisible, which is the opposite of Affinity, which is what we want to have for each other. The third one is to Blow the Escape Hatch. This one really sucks! You make like you're on board, and then at the last minute you fake a headache, or you make up a work emergency, or you conveniently forget the date and double book something. It feels like an easy way out. You don't have to do the thing, and your partner can't be mad at you for being sick ...or whatever. But when you Blow the Escape Hatch, you're not just avoiding an obligation. If you say you'll be there with your partner and then you bail at the last minute with a fake excuse, you're violating a relationship agreement. And we did an episode on that. So you can check out Episode 19 to hear more about relationship agreements. Even if your partner doesn't call you out, they likely know what you did. And it's way more than a minor inconvenience, it's a major breach of the trust and respect you built together over time. And that eats away at the Stability of your relationship. If you want passion, fun, excitement, and connection with your partner, you won't get there this way. The Relationship Hierarchy is based on both partners getting their needs met. Repeated hits don't just drain away Passion. They also affect your Vitality. Chronic resentment and disappointment in a relationship will take a toll on your well-being, making it harder to show up for yourself, let alone your partner. And not only that! I've talked about honor in quite a few of these episodes. And if you think about yourself as a White Knight, which I know at least some of you do, then imagine the dents your shining armor is going to take if you pull this sort of thing. So next, we're going to talk about some other ways to handle these damn obligations. But before we jump into that, I want to let you know about something special I offer to my listeners: A lot of you've been reaching out with questions about your own relationships and I want to help. So, I'm offering this free Relationship Reset Call. It's a quick 15 or so minutes. Just you and me, where we get the lay of the land and we sketch out a plan to get you moving in the right direction. If you're thinking about scheduling a call, here are a few questions to ask yourself: Would you like to be sure that you're focusing on the most urgent and important issues in your relationship? Would it be valuable for you to learn how to apply skills you've already mastered in your work to increase the passion in your relationship? And. Would having an experienced guide help you stay on track as you implement new strategies? If you answered "Yes," then let's connect. Just head over to relationshipresetcall.com, grab your spot, and we'll jump on a call and figure everything out. Because honestly, ...and you know this as well as I do ...if you let your relationship slide, the cost to you financially, socially, emotionally, and in every other way is just enormous. It will truly put a dent in your armor. So let's not let that happen. Let's get you on a trajectory to Make More Love in Your Life and With Your Wife. And we're back. Now, let's talk about finding opportunities in these obligations. Remember at the beginning, I mentioned Time as one of the most valuable currencies in your relationship? How you spend it signals your priorities. When you choose to invest time into obligations that matter, whether it's to your partner, to your family, to their family, or to someone else ...it might even be obligations that you're both dreading, not just you but when you choose to invest time into those obligations, you're making a deposit into your relationship account, and you increase your relationship return on investment, which I call RROI. So let's look at some strategies for spending that currency wisely and maximizing your returns. The first one is to assess the joy versus pain factor. The first thing to look at is how much joy the obligation will bring to your partner. Sometimes it's worth it to do the thing just because you know your partner will love it. If you choose this option, though, there are two requirements: You have to go all in. If you can't do that, all you'll do is steal your partner's joy and that totally defeats the purpose. And You cannot expect reciprocity. A transactional approach sets a bad precedent, and you don't even always recognize how your partner might reciprocate. Remember those love languages that we've talked about? Not everyone has the same one. The second strategy is the most direct one. Sit down with your partner and make a plan together. While, the planning process can be fairly simple it sometimes requires some creativity or thinking out of the box ...and maybe a white lie or two if you're okay with that. So here's an example: My client DK faced every Thanksgiving with real life drunk uncles, lots of uninformed political arguments, and just a lot of yelling in general. Neither he nor his wife wanted to spend another year in Turkey Day. Hell. So they worked out a plan. They told their family that they were both on a health kick, and they were going to take a walk together right after dinner to get in some movement and some fresh air. They invited anyone who wanted to to come along so no one would feel left out. Of course, a few people stayed behind to enjoy the debate. And everyone got what they enjoyed. DK and his wife changed the game, and their family said it was the best Thanksgiving in a decade. If this scenario is familiar for you, maybe you want to just bring up the after dinner walk with your partner and see what they think. Now. If your partner isn't on board with a collaborative approach, you still have some options. Some of those options might cause a little friction when you first bring them up, but in the long run it's better for your relationship if your partner knows what you need, and better for you to be upfront about it. So here are some of those strategies. You can make a personal plan that keeps your integrity intact. Be honest with yourself about what activities really make you cringe and what might be behind that. Then decide what limits you want to put in place. If you can, you should let your partner know about those limits, because you don't want to take them by surprise. Another strategy is to set boundaries around the obligation. For example, let's say your partner wants you to go holiday shopping and you hate holiday shopping. But you know that they really want to, so you can set a time limit and then plan a reward afterwards. Another key is to set a boundary about when your participation is required and when it's optional. Sometimes, although there is an obligation, it doesn't require both partners. You can both save some relationship capital by letting your partner off the hook when it's possible to do that. The next strategy is to turn the obligation into some kind of a shared challenge. For example, let's say you have to go to a wedding reception for some distant cousin or something, and you really don't care. But, you know you have to go. So, why not use it as a chance to practice your dancing skills together? You could take a class in advance so you can show off your dance moves. Or, don't take a class. Do some crazy dancing to lighten the mood and make everyone laugh a little bit. Or, you could play photographer, take a bunch of pictures, trying to capture the funniest or most awkward moments. Just don't get in the way of the actual photographer though. And finally, the most important thing is to communicate directly. Sometimes there's nothing to be done. You have to do the obligation thing. But, if you tell your partner openly about how you feel and what you're planning to do, they'll be prepared. And that alone can avoid a lot of conflict because keeping your mouth shut really doesn't avoid a fight. It only postpones one, especially if there's a car ride involved. Now I'm pretty sure nothing that I've said so far was news to you. You already know how important these kinds of things are to keeping your relationship on track, but with the holiday season coming up I don't think it hurts to have a reminder. Obligations, especially during this time of year can feel like a lot, but there are also opportunities to show up for your partner. And maybe even find new ways of bonding. As we wrap up. I'm going to tell you the tale of two husbands, because having been married twice creates its own unique form of AB testing. My ex-husband opted out of or stonewalled through every obligation. He left me alone and isolated at holidays, weddings, funerals, friends get-togethers, you name it. But that's a long time past. For the last 16 years I've been with my husband, Steve. He's the one I tell you all the good stories about on the show. I will have, you know that Steve has dealt with all the situations I've mentioned today. The marathon family dinners, the college reunions, the weddings, and plenty of other things. Even when it wasn't perfect, he's shown time and again that he's committed to being my partner, even when that's not easy. And I've done my fair share too. We are a team and that means everything to both of us. In the big picture, how we handle these obligations, these inconvenient things that we have to do, shows our partner directly how we're going to handle the big hard issues that life throws at us. Sickness, financial losses, deaths of friends and family members, those are the real tests of any partnership. In a way, these smaller obligations are a dress rehearsal for those moments. They are opportunities to practice showing up for each other, building trust, and proving that we've got each other's backs no matter what. That's what it comes down to. Making the choice every time to show up for each other, even when it's not fun, even when it's not easy. Because that's what turns those obligations into opportunities for a Passionate Partnership. Okay, here are three key points I hope you'll take away from today's episode: the first one is that Time and Presence are the real currency in relationship dynamics. How you invest these matters more than money. Spending them wisely strengthens trust, connection, and partnership. Number two is avoidance erodes your relationship foundation. Whether it's opting out, disengaging or making excuses, avoiding obligations harms Stability, Belonging, and Affinity. And that gets in the way of the intimate intensity you want to have with your partner. Number three is you can turn these obligations into opportunities. With intention and creativity, even the dreaded commitments can become moments to build trust and deepen connection. Alright. I hope today's episode added some real value to your life. If you are ready for more support, ideas or just someone to brainstorm with, here are three ways to get that: one is to join our private and free Passionate Partners, Insider Community on Facebook for exclusive content and resources. Number two is to visit our website and our social channels to learn more about our programs, workshops, and private coaching options. That's passionatepartnersproject.com And number three, if you want to dive into your specific situation, book a free Relationship Reset Call with me. Whether it's a minor tune-up or a major overhaul, we'll make a plan to get you back on track. Just head over to relationshipresetcall.com to set that up. You'll find everything you need, including the links to everything I've mentioned, and my personal email right in the show notes. I'll be here whenever you're ready. And now I've got a request. I could really use your help to get the word out about Make More Love. First, if you haven't already, please hit Follow and Subscribe on whatever platform you prefer. When you do that, it helps more people find the show and it makes sure you don't miss anything. And second, even more important, leaving a review will really help me grow our community so we can reach even more people. And finally, if you know someone who's struggling in their relationship, please share the show with them. A simple share from you could be life-changing for them. So, thank you so much for spreading the word. I believe you had good reasons for choosing the partner you have. My mission is to help you reconnect with those reasons and discover new ways to Make More Love in Your Life and With Your Wife. I'm Ellen Dorian, and that's what I've got for you today.