32: How to Avoid Fighting with Your Partner Over the Holidays

Ellen Dorian:
00:00:00

Hey there. Welcome to Make More Love. This is the show for driven entrepreneurial men who want their life to be about more than just business success. They also want a passionate, aligned, and fun relationship with their spouse that lasts a lifetime. I'm your host Ellen Dorian, and this is your space for straight-up, judgment-free conversations about creating a life where you handle the demands of business, relationships and everything else in a holistic and fulfilling way. We're all about helping you be extraordinary in every way that matters. If you're new to the show, be sure to hit that "Follow" or "Subscribe" button right now so you never miss an episode. If you're serious about transforming your relationship and your life, staying connected here is your first step. And, if you find today's conversation helpful, please share it with a friend who could use some new ideas for their own relationship. Today, we're going to talk about the conflicts you get into with your partner, and more specifically how the holidays play into those. A lot of couples end up fighting more around the holidays and other times of the year, How about you? Can you relate to that? For some of us, it's just the added list of holiday stuff that needs to be done getting heaped onto your already full plate. For others, it's those dreaded obligations like the ones we talked about in Episode 31. And, if your relationship is already tense, spending extra time together pretending everything's fine for the outside world can turn the holidays into your own little hellscape. Or maybe it's not them. Maybe it's you. The holidays are supposed to feel joyful, but what if for you, they don't? What if you feel like you're on the outside, looking in wondering why you're not having fun, like everyone else? And on top of all of that, If you're running a business, it's likely that the holiday season is not a neutral time for you. The end of year can make or break your financial success. You might be worried about cashflow, or trying to close deals, or scrambling to fill the pipeline for next year. But somehow, you're supposed to think about all that holiday stuff and show everyone around you how grateful you are for your "wonderful life," while also closing out the year successfully. It's a lot. In fact, It can feel almost impossible. So, let's talk about how to deal with it in a way that keeps you grounded and connected to what you want to prioritize. Let's start with the eight major causes of couples conflict. These are actually true all the time, but they do amp up during the holidays. So let's walk through them. I bet you can relate to at least one of these and probably more than one. The first one is money. Holiday spending is one of the biggest stressors. Between gift giving, travel parties and all the other holiday stuff, money tends to flow out the door. Some people cope with this outlay by sticking to a tight budget. Others feel pressured to impress family, and at least give the impression of generosity. And if the two of you are divided on holiday spending, that's just an argument waiting to happen. The second one is family dynamics. That can bring a lot of tension into the holidays. When it comes to extended families, there's just a lot of things you can avoid or overlook the rest of the year, but somehow that approach just doesn't work as well during the holidays. You or your partner might want to spend more time with certain family members and less with others. Or maybe you can't have everyone over because of conflicts between the relatives, and you're trying to stay neutral. Or maybe the season just makes you miss family members who aren't around anymore. And let's be honest, maybe all you want to do is just stay home, but that's not always an option without upsetting someone. If you and your partner are not aligned in this area, then it can easily become a battle, with the family becoming reinforcements for your opposing positions. Family's just seem to love getting all up in your business. Next up is religious differences. These can really intensify during the holidays, especially if you and your partner have different beliefs about how to celebrate, what the celebration should be, or even what the holidays mean. The problem with religious differences is that the moral weight of them can make it hard to compromise on a plan that works for both of you. And speaking of major issues, I don't even want to say it. Next on the list is politics. It's not surprising, but I know more people who are dealing with this one right now than ever before. And, I've seen more than one instance of couples breaking up over severe political differences. Every couple has differences and they don't break up over them. But I can see how it might be hard to be in a relationship with someone whose political views are so far opposite your own. These are not just disagreements on policy. Politics have become central to our core values, our identity, our sense of right and wrong. Moving on. The next one is about conflicting priorities. Partners may disagree about what's most important. Priorities could be work, or family, or social obligations, or relaxing, or decorating, and cooking, shopping, and a bunch of other things. And if one of you is pulling for a getaway to the Islands, while the other one is aiming to become Santa's newest elf, that is going to show. The next one is unmet expectations. Our memories of holidays passed or our idealizing of what they should look like can lead to a lot of disappointment. I struggle with this one, myself, to be honest. I always think I want to go all out on decorating the house, decorating a Christmas tree, making a huge roast beef dinner and having a bunch of people over. But my husband really isn't into that. And it's no fun doing it alone. And it's a shit ton of work. So I re-evaluated my expectations on this one, and sometimes that's what you're going to have to do. The next one is boredom with the holiday traditions. You know, tradition is one thing, but doing the same thing year after year after year after year. Well, that just gets old. But some people love those traditions and feel like the holidays are not complete without them. Other people may want to try new things. If you're in this situation, I have a loophole for you. Make it a tradition to try one new thing. Every holiday. That way it's baked in and you get variety. The last one is unresolved relationship issues. If your relationship is in a bad place, then going through the motions of celebrating the holidays can just feel phony. You might even resent having to do it, or just feel like you have no will to do it. I remember in a past relationship that was really hurting, trying to keep it from slipping away, so doing the things anyway, but finding that nothing really fit. I remember trying to pick out a Valentine's day card for my partner that time, and it really was very difficult to find something that didn't make unrealistic promises for the future. So those are the eight major relationship stressors. These are all true all the time, but they do seem to get even worse when the holidays are around. What about you? What are some of the ones that get in the way of your holiday happiness? Next, we're going to talk about the hidden risks of holiday tension. But before we jump into that, I want to let you know about something special I offer to my listeners: A lot of you've been reaching out with questions about your own relationships and I want to help. So, I'm offering this free Relationship Reset Call. It's a quick 15 or so minutes. Just you and me, where we get the lay of the land and we sketch out a plan to get you moving in the right direction. Would having an experienced guide help you stay on track as you implement new strategies? If you answered "Yes," then let's connect. Just head over to relationshipresetcall.com, grab your spot, and we'll jump on a call and figure everything out. Because honestly, ...and you know this as well as I do ...if you let your relationship slide, the cost to you financially, socially, emotionally, and in every other way is just enormous. It will truly put a dent in your armor. So let's not let that happen. Let's get you on a trajectory to Make More Love in Your Life and With Your Wife. and we're back. Now let's talk about the hidden risks that fly under the radar during the holidays. It's not just the obvious conflicts that create problems during the holidays. Sometimes the real damage comes from a deeper place, and those definitely undermine your relationship. There are quite a lot of hidden risks, but I'm going to pick out three that are particularly meaningful for me. Number one is overindulgence. Holiday parties often involve more alcohol and other indulgences, which can cause all kinds of embarrassments or inappropriate behaviors that violate boundaries and damage trust. Number two is unhealthy coping strategies. There are so many ways people cope with stress during the holidays. Some of them are obvious and others are harder to notice. But off the top of my head here is a few: One is burying yourself in your work, so you don't have to go home or help out. Number two is escaping into technology, video games, or hobbies, so you can ignore what needs to be done. Or, three, you might pick a fight so your partner doesn't want you around. Or you might obsess over perfection that causes you to spend hours working on things that nobody else will notice or even care about. So, those are just a few, I'm sure you can come up with some more of those unhealthy coping strategies that you've either faced or maybe you've tried. Alright. Here's the biggie: Infidelity. For some people, the holidays heighten feelings of disconnection so much that it makes an affair feel like a viable option for getting your needs met. Whether you're fantasizing about it, considering it, or actually doing it, affairs are a real burden, especially during the holidays. Just thinking about an affair can actually make you feel even more disconnected from your partner. So even if you're not actually doing it, It can lead to a lot of damage. And if you're having one. Wow. That is just hard. You have to look your partner and your family in the face and pretend that you're on the up and up. And the extra time you spend on holidays can make it hard to see your side person, so you end up feeling even more lonely. All in all, it's just a shitty thing to have to go through. I have a disclaimer, when it comes to infidelity. I'm not going to judge anyone for it. That's not productive anyway. And honestly, my judging you isn't going to make you feel any better or worse than you're already feeling. I will say this. If you're in this position, please reach out. Let me help you figure out what options you might have in a safe, non-judgemental way. Book a call at relationshipresetcall.com. And remember that that call is just the two of us. Nobody else is going to know. And we'll figure something out that might just shift your life for the better. Alright. I've just been a Ray of sunshine, this whole episode. Don't you think? So let's get into some practical strategies for avoiding or resolving holiday arguments. I think I've made a case for why the holidays are a pressure cooker that intensifies conflict between partners. And, while it's tempting to either ignore them all together or try to solve everything in one go,neither one of those approaches works particularly well during this time of the year. When it comes to strategies you can use to cut down on fighting, it's kind of the delicate balance. I mean, you don't want to slap a bandaid on a bullet hole, but you also don't want to dig into the roots of each other's childhood trauma during family dinner. So, what is the sweet spot? In my view, it's about being tactical and focused, choosing actions that address the moment without creating any more stress or opening wounds that require more time and care to heal. Here are my five practical strategies to help you keep the peace and find the ways to connect. So as usual, my first and best suggestion is always to sit down with your partner if you can, lay out some expectations, requests, and goals for the holidays that will make them better, and make a plan that both of you can live with. Number two is to address the stress that you feel before it escalates into an argument. So if you're starting to feel stress, try to remove yourself to a place where you can think. Check in with yourself about what's really getting under your skin and then see if it's something you can change. If you can talk about this with your partner, they might have some ideas too, but if not, then you're going to need to self- care. So, take a few deep breaths and ask yourself what's really true versus what you might be reading into, and give yourself a chance to calm down. Number three is to revisit expectations during the holidays. If your relationship is in a delicate place, then don't be afraid to say "no" to outside commitments. When it comes right down to it, you don't owe anybody your most valuable currency, which is time. Adjust your plan and adapt to changing circumstances so you can maintain some semblance of peace between the two of you. Number four is to solve conflict in the moment. If you do get into an argument in the holiday season. It's best to use a tactical approach to de escalate tension without trying to solve every underlying issue. Here are four key steps to that. One is to acknowledge the emotion. I hear that you're angry about or I want you to understand that I'm angry about. Number two is to set some clear boundaries. "We're going to talk about this and we're going to try to solve that. And we're going to save the other things for later." Number three is to propose the quickest, most practical solutions that solved the problems you've agree to solve. And number four is to make an agreement to revisit the others at a later time, when you can both focus on the deeper stuff. That might be after the holidays, so write it down because it's surprising how the things that are causing so much trouble right now are things you don't remember two weeks from now Until they come up again, that is. And the last strategy is to try to reconnect and rebuild. Schedule intentional time together, alone, especially once you've been with other people for a long time. If you can, it's a good idea to spend some quiet time together and find some peace. As we wrap up here are three key points. I hope you'll take away from today's episode. Number one is there are a lot of causes for holiday tension. They span all kinds of issues. Number two is pay close attention to those hidden risks. The ones that can blindside you. And number three is to use tactical strategies to deescalate the conflict. Don't try to eat the elephant in one bite. Alright. I hope today's episode added some real value to your life. If you are ready for more support, ideas, or just someone to brainstorm with here are three ways to get that. One is to join our private and free Passionate Partners Insider Community on Facebook for exclusive content and resources. Number two is to visit our website and our social channels to learn more about our programs, workshops, and private coaching options. That's passionatepartnersproject.com And number three, if you want to dive into your specific situation, book a free Relationship Reset Call with me. Whether it's a minor tune-up or a major overhaul, we'll make a plan to get you back on track. Just head over to relationshipresetcall.com to set that up. You'll find everything you need, including the links to everything I've mentioned and my personal email right in the show notes. Ellen@passionatepartnersproject.com I'll be here whenever you're ready. And now I've got a request. I could really use your help to get the word out about Make More Love. First, if you haven't already, please hit "follow" and "subscribe "on whatever platform you prefer when you do that. It helps more people find the show and it makes sure you don't miss anything. And second, even more important, leaving a review will really help me grow our community so we can reach even more people. And finally, if you know someone who's struggling in their relationship, please share the show with them. A simple share from you could be life-changing for them. So, thank you so much for spreading the word. I believe you had good reasons for choosing the partner you have. My mission is to help you reconnect with those reasons and discover new ways to Make More Love in Your Life and With Your Wife. I'm Ellen Dorian, and that's what I've got for you today.