34: How to Handle When Things Go South

Ellen Dorian:
00:00:00

Hey there. Welcome to Make More Love. This is the show for driven entrepreneurial men who want their life to be about more than just business success. They also want a passionate, aligned, and fun relationship with their spouse that lasts a lifetime. I'm your host Ellen Dorian, and this is your space for straight-up, judgment-free conversations about creating a life where you handle the demands of business, relationships and everything else in a holistic and fulfilling way. We're all about helping you be extraordinary in every way that matters. If you're new to the show, be sure to hit that "Follow" or "Subscribe" button right now so you never miss an episode. If you're serious about transforming your relationship and your life, staying connected here is your first step. And, if you find today's conversation helpful, please share it with a friend who could use some new ideas for their own relationship. Today, we're going to talk about frustrations and glitches and tech problems and resentment. Why? Because I've had a week. I was supposed to have part two of my fabulous interview with Kylie Ryan ready for you. And we were talking all about tantra and tantric sex and a bunch of other really cool stuff, but I've had nothing but tech issues with it. Crashes and all kinds of stuff. And so it's not ready. I could have just posted and said, yeah, no episode this week, but I decided instead to share some of my thoughts about what to do when things don't turn out the way that you hope that they will. And how to deal with frustrations in your work so that you don't end up taking those out on your partner. This one is totally off the cuff, so it's not going to have all my usual numbered points and takeaways, and all those things. It's just me talking about something we've all experienced when life just doesn't go according to plan. When you're running a business or really just living a life, sometimes things go right, and sometimes they don't. And when they don't, it's never one or two things going wrong. It's always a huge pile up of things going wrong all at the same time. And frankly, the last month has been one of those for me. And you know what it wears you down. I've been up late, up early, not eating well. I've definitely not been doing the self care practices that I've shared with you on this show. And it shows. I'm cranky, and I don't have a lot of patience for stuff. And one of the biggest challenges that comes out of that is not taking it out on the people around me. So when we get into these kinds of problems, it's when we're least prepared to exert emotional control over ourselves. And it's the most important time to do it. Now, I'm lucky because my husband is out of town right now so he doesn't have to witness or be subjected to the frustrations that I'm going through this week. And I don't have to worry about taking it out on him. But you might not have it that easy, because maybe your partner doesn't go out of town. And I know that even though I got off easy this time, that's not always going to be the case. And so when you're in that state of anger and frustration, and feeling out of control, it's just easy to take it out on the people around you. Or just to not consider the people around you, snapping at them withdrawing from them or even just stomping around the house, slamming doors a little too hard. You know what I mean, right? It's very colorful. So let's talk about what happens when we're in that space and how to handle it better. I noticed there are three problems that happen when we have a bad week. The first problem is when your work frustrations spill over into your relationship. As I was saying, maybe you're irritable or impatient, or you just withdraw all together. Whatever you do, your partner feels the impact. Even if they had nothing to do with it, and even if you aren't taking it out on them directly, they are going to feel it. So you really have to be sensitive to that, and realize that negative energy that you're putting out has that impact on everyone else around you, and especially your partner who loves you and cares about you. The second thing that can happen is you lose perspective. When you're tired and overwhelmed. Small glitches could feel enormous. It's easy to let those frustrations just take over, making everything worse than it really is. And there is another part of this where, when you're trying to keep a lid on your temper and you're already up to your eyeballs, any little thing that goes wrong, no matter where it is or what it is or how minor it is just shoots right through the top of your head because it has nowhere to go. So you're always on the verge of blowing your stack. And the third thing is when things go wrong, taking care of yourself is the last thing you're thinking about. So you're doubling down on all these behaviors. You're skipping meals. You're not sleeping enough. You're not moving around. Maybe you're not even showering. And that makes it even harder. You're even less equipped to handle the challenges in front of you, and that kicks off a vicious cycle. So. Here are five ideas I have for how to manage frustrations like this. Now understand that I'm practicing these right now. I'm my own test subject. So I'll have to let you know, in the future how they worked out. Okay. So number one is to just take a breath before you react to anything. A deep breath can go a long way in helping you respond intentionally rather than emotionally or thoughtlessly or angrily. Number two is about talking to yourself. I'm going to call this, name it to tame it. If you can identify what you're feeling and why, it can help you feel more in control. Just saying to yourself, "I'm frustrated because this project isn't working out," can really be helpful. And if you can go a little deeper and see if your reaction is a more irrational one or maybe has some more baggage behind it. Imagine that someone came up to you and shared with you, I'm frustrated because this project isn't working out. I was such an idiot. I waited way too long to start it now. I didn't have time to finish it. And I knew I probably was going to need some help, but I didn't want to ask for any help. And by the time I did ask for help, the people who could help me weren't readily available. And so I screwed up on that and I really just fUBAR-ed the whole thing up. Imagine if someone that you cared about came and said that to you. What would you say to them? If anyone else talked to us the way we talk to ourselves, you'd punch them in the nose. So, saying those things out loud, and then maybe giving yourself a little bit of a break, probably a good way to go. Number three is about talking to everybody else. Communicate to your partner, but only vent with their knowledge and permission, because if you vent but they don't know it's coming, then it just sounds like you're dumping on them. When if they're ready to hear it, they'll allow you to vent and it might make you feel better. If you can get into that kind of conversation with your partner, that's a really good place to be. And number four is, keep up your resilience by taking care of yourself. Just when you need it the most, you might not be engaging in self care practices that you might under better circumstances be doing. so it's important to make the smallest possible, but intentional choices to take care of yourself, even when everything else is going to, what. For instance, every time today that I got up from my computer, I wanted coffee, but I only had coffee once. The rest of the time I got a glass of water, because I know I need to drink more water. A tiny choice like that can make a huge difference because uh I had 11 glasses of water today. If I had 11 cups of coffee today, this would be a whole different conversation. So. A quick walk, a healthy snack, a few minutes of doing something you really enjoy, can make a huge difference. And number five is to engage the Gratitude Factor. When everything around you feels like it's going wrong, just take a moment to reflect on everything in your life that you're doing right. That is going well. That you've worked so hard for and achieved and accomplished. A little gratitude can help you reframe your mindset and remind you that not everything is falling apart, even when it feels like it all is. Frustrations like this are part of life, especially when you're running a business. Things don't always go as planned. Tech glitches happen. And sometimes it just feels like you're being buried in shit. But, remember that these moments really are temporary. So ,that old saying this too shall pass. And that's true, but let me tell you something. If you take all this out on your partner, and you are just a jerk to live with for a couple of days., it's not going to pass as quickly as if you don't do that. If we can make the choice to take a beat, take care of ourselves, approach our interactions with others with a lot more intention, then we're not just protecting our partner from a bad mood. We're also showing up as the best version of ourselves. You and I talk a lot about living an honorable life, and this is one of the cornerstones of that honorable life. So, as I said, I've been putting these principles to the test this week. And so far, I've had it easy because my partner hasn't been home, but he's going to come home. And then that's when the rubber meets the road. So maybe I'll share a follow-up with you on how my tips worked out. And when my husband listens to this episode, I might even get an extra hug or two, maybe even a little bit more than that. and that makes everything seem a little better. And before I go, I'm just going to say to you, if you're going through this consistently and you're having trouble getting control of your emotions and dealing with your partner in a way that's respectful and doesn't dump on them, then get yourself on a call with me. Just go to relationshipresetcall.com and find a time. And you and I can commiserate a little bit and come up with a plan that works for you. And who knows maybe talking to you is going to give me even more ideas that will help me and other people. So there's that. If you let your frustration spill over into your relationship, you're going to end up compounding all the problems, making your life even more difficult, and taking even longer to get out of that funk. So let's not do that. Let's make a plan together that gets you the kind of support, appreciation, love, and everything else that you rely on your partner for in the relationship. We will all be happier for it. Well, I hope you didn't enjoy today's episode, but I hope you sympathized. I'm going to go get myself a bowl of ice cream and maybe watch an episode or two of Reacher, and then hit the sack. I'll be working with tech support on the problem, and I really hope that by next week I'll be able to share with you part two of that incredible episode with Kylie Ryan, where we talk about tantric sex and sexual expression in relationships, and sensuality in many forms. I can't wait to share it with you. Alright. I hope today's episode added some real value to your life. If you are ready for more support, ideas, or just someone to brainstorm with here are three ways to get that. One is to join our private and free Passionate Partners, Insider Community on Facebook for exclusive content and resources. Number two is to visit our website and our social channels to learn more about our programs, workshops, and private coaching options. That's passionatepartnersproject.com And number three, if you want to dive into your specific situation, book a free Relationship Reset Call with me. Whether it's a minor tune-up or a major overhaul, we'll make a plan to get you back on track. Just head over to relationshipresetcall.com to set that up. You'll find everything you need, including the links to everything I've mentioned and my personal email right in the show notes. Ellen@passionatepartnersproject.com I'll be here whenever you're ready. And now I've got a request. I could really use your help to get the word out about Make More Love. First, if you haven't already, please hit follow and subscribe on whatever platform you prefer when you do that. It helps more people find the show and it makes sure you don't miss anything. And second, even more important, leaving a review will really help me grow our community so we can reach even more people. And finally, if you know someone who's struggling in their relationship, please share the show with them. A simple share from you could be life-changing for them. So, thank you so much for spreading the word. I believe you had good reasons for choosing the partner you have. My mission is to help you reconnect with those reasons and discover new ways to Make More Love in Your Life and With Your Wife. I'm Ellen Dorian, and that's what I've got for you today.