36: Holiday Episode: The Spirit of Generosity in Relationships

Ellen Dorian:
00:00:00

Hey there. Welcome to Make More Love. This is the show for driven entrepreneurial men who want their life to be about more than just business success. They also want a passionate, aligned, and fun relationship with their spouse that lasts a lifetime. I'm your host Ellen Dorian, and this is your space for straight-up, judgment-free conversations about creating a life where you handle the demands of business, relationships and everything else in a holistic and fulfilling way. We're all about helping you be extraordinary in every way that matters. If you're new to the show, be sure to hit that "Follow" or "Subscribe" button right now so you never miss an episode. If you're serious about transforming your relationship and your life, staying connected here is your first step. And, if you find today's conversation helpful, please share it with a friend who could use some new ideas for their own relationship. It's Christmas time My dad loved Christmas. But I don't think he had great Christmases growing up. In fact, both my parents had challenging childhoods. But when they got married, they made a conscious choice to always create a magical holiday experience for us kids. One thing about my dad. He did not like lying. Even in stories like Santa Claus for instance, he always tried to give them meaning beyond the magic. To him, Santa Claus wasn't just about presents. He was the living embodiment of the Spirit of Generosity: giving sharing and bringing happiness to others. Dad made sure we understood this from a young age. As I grew older, Santa became less about the gifts under the tree and more about that spirit. As a result, I never really asked if Santa Claus was real, because I already knew he was because the spirit of generosity was real. Still, I got a gift "from Santa" every year until my dad passed away. I was 30 when that happened. His final gift was the book The Gift of the Magi by O. Henry. It's a story about love and sacrifice and generosity. That book perfectly summed up everything my dad taught me. Love isn't about keeping score, but about giving fully and selflessly, even when it means making sacrifices. So today I want to explore the concept of generosity. You know, until I started putting this episode together, I hadn't really thought so deeply about it. But once I got into it, I actually came up with five aspects of generosity. Some of these come naturally to us and some of them require more effort on our part. And none of them have anything to do with money per se. And I think that's interesting because when you say someone is generous, don't you usually think of them as being free with their money? But generosity is a lot broader than that. It's about how we give of ourselves our time and our attention. We're going to continue this conversation, but first I want to share something special I offer my listeners. A lot of you've been reaching out with questions about your own relationships and I want to help. So, I'm offering this free Relationship Reset Call. It's a quick 15 or so minutes. Just you and me, where we get the lay of the land and we sketch out a plan to get you moving in the right direction. Would you like to be sure that you're focusing on the most urgent and important issues in your relationship? And. Would having an experienced guide help you stay on track as you implement new strategies? If you answered "Yes," then let's connect. Just head over to relationshipresetcall.com, grab your spot, and we'll jump on a call and figure everything out. Because honestly, ...and you know this as well as I do ...if you let your relationship slide, the cost to you financially, socially, emotionally, and in every other way is just enormous. It will truly put a dent in your armor. So let's not let that happen. Let's get you on a trajectory to Make More Love in Your Life and With Your Wife. And we're back. So, let me walk you through these five aspects of generosity. #1 is Emotional Generosity, or the art of giving without expecting anything in return. When I say giving, I mean giving of yourself, showing up, giving your time and full focus to another person, not because you have to but because you want to. You know, Business owners like us are perpetually under time pressure and preoccupied. It's just our way of life. That's what makes emotional generosity one of the hardest things to give. If you've been told, "I don't feel like you're there for me when I need to talk," this is the first place to pay attention to. According to Simon Sinek, on average it only takes about eight minutes to really hear someone out when they need emotional support. The hard part isn't the time, it's staying focused and present. But there's another reason you might find it tough to stay focused during emotional conversations. It could be that you're just uncomfortable with emotions in general. If that resonates. I have a Pro Tip for you. You can use a mental "root cause analysis" to stay focused. Try to follow the thread of what led up to the person feeling the way they do. Don't pepper them with questions. It's an investigation, not an interrogation. Just listen and try to piece together in your mind all the steps that led up to how the person is feeling right now. This also gives your brain a task, so it helps you stay engaged and cool-headed. So try that if the whole idea of emotions just makes you a little squeaky. Emotional generosity is not unlike holding your breath underwater. It gets easier with practice. And when you give your time, attention and love freely without expecting anything in return, you build trust and connection. #2 Relational Generosity, or the glue that strengthens human connection through caring. Relational generosity is about showing people that they are important to you and that their happiness matters. This often comes down to paying attention to your partner's needs and responding to them before they have to ask. Relational generosity is a huge topic. The eight principles of relational generosity is one of the most popular trainings in my coaching program, but we can't cover all of them right now. So I'm going to give you one example that happens to fit the season. And that example is mental load. We've talked about this before. It's a hot topic and for good reason. Now, mental load typically refers to managing all of the invisible or non-obvious steps that make a shared relationship or household operate smoothly. You already take on the mental load in your business. Because you are the leader, there are things you instinctively know, think, and remember that other people might not. It's the main reason why it's so hard to delegate. There's just a lot of gut feeling that goes into it. Chances are that your partner takes on the larger mental load in your relationship. Relational generosity means stepping in to share that load. It goes beyond saying, "tell me what to do." It's anticipating what your partner might need and taking the initiative. It's about showing your partner that what matters to them matters to you. Sometimes this is easier said than done, but I have a great exercise for you to try. It's called By The Clock. In fact, they just talked about this approach to situational analysis in an episode of The Diplomat that I was watching. It's useful in a lot of contexts, and here's an example of how it works: Mental Load "By The Clock" You observe that your partner is tense and short-tempered while getting ready for company. Instead of waiting for instructions, you pause and take a moment to assess the situation "By The Clock." You start by taking a full 360 degree look around you. As you scan the situation, you notice the following: at "12 o'clock" there's laundry that hasn't been put away. At "2 o'clock" there's a lot going on in the kitchen. As you go around the clock, you identify several other stress points: Presents that's still need wrapping, extra seating that needs to be brought in, et cetera. So you check in with your partner. "I see laundry, cooking, and presents to wrap, plus the table and chairs to set up. What else is on your mind?" once you've assessed the situation and checked in with your partner, you can make an offer, like, "I don't think I can really help you much in the kitchen. So how about you focus on that and I'll take on the other things. Would that be helpful?" So this isn't just about completing tasks. It's about paying attention anticipating needs and showing your partner that you're in it together. That's relational generosity-- being proactive and thoughtful about easing their mental load while supporting the shared goal. 3 Philosophical Generosity, or the embodiment of abundance in both thought and action. This is about a belief that there's always enough joy, love, happiness, kindness to go around. If you've ever been told that you're too critical or you only focus on what's wrong, you might want to take a look at your philosophy of generosity. Now, shifting to an abundance mindset might not be easy for someone who's driven to always be chasing success. This is about shifting your worldview, seeing the world and your relationship as a place of abundance rather than scarcity. And gratitude plays a huge role here, so, if you're looking to cultivate this abundance mindset, start by just noticing ways to express gratitude daily. Find one thing to be thankful for each day. Once you've gotten comfortable with that, then expand to three things you appreciate about your partner or your relationship or your life. If you do that regularly, the rest will fall into place. Look, changing your worldview is not trivial. Don't be hard on yourself. Just keep working at it and you'll find your way. 4 Action-Oriented Generosity, or the conscious choice to give more than what's required or expected. This is where the rubber meets the road. It's not just about having good intentions. It's about taking steps to show your partner that you care. How many times do we think we ought to do something for someone, but it just keeps getting back-burnered until it's no longer either possible or relevant? Or maybe that's just me! Action oriented generosity builds a foundation of trust. It's about showing up for your partner with integrity, reliability, and care when it truly matters. It's about being someone they can count on when the stakes are high. This means you do what you say you'll do. You have their back when times get tough, and you'll go the extra mile to support them, not just in words but in actions. So why is this considered generous? Well, Because a lot of times, the things you choose to do are things you don't really want to do. I bet you can think of a few things like that. Hell, I can think of half a dozen things my husband and I have done for each other over the past couple of months that neither one of us wanted to do, but you know, that's what happens. And by the way, if there was ever a time you should not be keeping score, this is it. You can't be there for your partner fully if you're expecting any kind of reciprocity. If your partner is consistently not doing what they say they're going to do or going the extra mile for you, it might be time to take a hard look at the relationship, but still you shouldn't pull back your support, because that's damaging to your personal integrity and your honor, and that's important. #5 Legacy of Generosity, or the ripple effect of giving that inspires others to do the same. When you think about generosity, who in your life comes to mind, what did they do that left an impact on you, and what can you do to inspire others? The legacy of generosity isn't just about what you do in the moment, it's about the lasting impact you leave behind. Business leaders often think about legacies when they're building their companies. I've heard it a hundred times from my clients. "I'm building a business I can pass on to my kids." I'll never forget one client said to me, "I'm responsible, not only for the bread that goes on my own table, but for the bread on every table of every person who works here. And nobody goes hungry on my watch!" And that is a legacy of generosity. But there's another legacy that might have even more impact--the one you leave in your personal life. If you want to leave a legacy that truly takes care of your kids, build a passionate partnership with your spouse. Because let's face it, most of what we know about relationships comes from what we see growing up. Fairy tales and wedding vows don't teach us how to sustain a relationship. Our parents and families do. My dad spent his life modeling love, generosity, integrity, and self sacrifice for me and my brothers. His final gift to me, The Gift of the Magi, embodied his philosophy. He knew he was dying when he chose it, and he gave it to me as a legacy of love and selflessness. That book was his way of passing his values onto me, and now I am passing them on to you. So, let's Make More Love in your life and with your wife, and leave a legacy your kids will treasure long after you're gone. So those are the five aspects of generosity, and I hope you picked up a few takeaways that you can implement in your own life. As my Christmas wish for you, I hope you experience the Spirit of Generosity in your own life, and that you pass it along to those whose lives you touch. There's no big outro today. If you need me, the show notes give you all the ways to reach me. I'll be here whenever you're ready. And as a favor, please pass my message along to anyone you know, who could be helped by it. I believe you had good reasons for choosing the partner you have. My mission is to help you reconnect with those reasons and discover new ways to Make More Love in Your Life and With Your Wife. I'm Ellen Dorian wishing you Joy, Peace, and Love. That's what I've got for you today and what I wish for you every day.