37: Will January Be Your Relationship Wake-Up Call?

Hey there. Welcome to Make More Love. This is the show for driven entrepreneurial men who want their life to be about more than just business success. They also want a passionate, aligned, and fun relationship with their spouse that lasts a lifetime. I'm your host Ellen Dorian, and this is your space for straight-up, judgment-free conversations about creating a life where you handle the demands of business, relationships and everything else in a holistic and fulfilling way. We're all about helping you be extraordinary in every way that matters. If you're new to the show, be sure to hit that "Follow" or "Subscribe" button right now so you never miss an episode. If you're serious about transforming your relationship and your life, staying connected here is your first step. And, if you find today's conversation helpful, please share it with a friend who could use some new ideas for their own relationship. Today, I want to talk about January. In legal and financial circles, January is often called the opening of the divorce season, because the first Monday in January is often the busiest day of the year for new divorce client inquiries. Which leads me to a question: What are the chances that you might be headed for a divorce? You might have a knee jerk reaction to that question like, "That could never happen!" But, you might not be looking at the situation objectively either. Maybe you're at risk for divorce, but you're just not seeing it. Or maybe you see it as a possibility, but you think you'll fix it before it gets that far. The truth is there are always signs. Maybe it's that nagging thought in the back of your mind. Maybe it's your partner becoming increasingly distant and cold. And if you're not ready to face it, you're going to avoid it. Have you ever heard that quote Hope is Not a Strategy? Well let me tell you, avoidance is even less of a strategy. Today I'm introducing you to the concept of the recommitment season. And throughout January, the topics are going to be around preventing divorce. We're going to talk about hidden relationship dynamics that are killing your sex life. We're going to talk about overcoming betrayal, large and small. And we're going to talk about how to get back on the same page if you and your partner have diverged in what you want for the future. So let's start with a look at where your relationship stands. You don't have to tell anyone else. This is just for you. Is your relationship more like wine, vodka, or fish? I think this is a good way to look at it. Wine gets better over time. And that's like a relationship where the connection grows stronger as the years go by. Vodka, well, it's harsh and tasteless, but it doesn't go bad. A vodka relationship isn't particularly enjoyable, but it's stable. It just stays the same. And then there's fish. Now, fish doesn't get better with time. It spoils and it starts to stink. A fish relationship has gone bad, and the longer you leave it the worse it gets. So, let's tie that back to the risks of divorce. If your relationship is like fish, let's be honest, you're probably already thinking about divorce or at least you should be. If it's like Vodka, you might not be working on the relationship, but you're also not considering divorce. You're in what I call Loveless Limbo, where the relationship stagnates and so you put on a show in public, but behind the scenes you're living separate lives. And if it's like Wine you're in a good place, but the best wine needs the right care and a good wine cellar to preserve its quality. Relationships are no different. They need care and a protective environment, so they can go the distance. For the month of January, let's think of this not as the Divorce Season but as the Recommitment Season, where you get to decide whether to stay or go. The Recommitment Season is actually part of the rhythm of relationships. It's one of five relationship seasons that happen every year. I'll be sharing more about those in a future episode. But today I just want to focus on this one. So, how did January get this reputation for being the divorce season? There are four reasons that come to mind. The first one is the Holiday Letdown. Maybe you've been white-knuckling it for the last few months or even years. Because, nobody wants to ruin the season for their kids, cause family drama, or turn their life upside down during the holidays. But, keeping up the act can also be the straw that breaks the camel's back. You're sitting at the dinner table pretending everything's okay. Or, you're buying expensive gifts and going to parties with your partner, even though you can barely stand the sight of them. And by the time you get to January, you're exhausted, and you're fed up and you can't stomach the idea of another year of this. The second reason is Business Stress Now, as business owners the end of the year usually isn't a relaxing time. We talked about that in a previous episode. Maybe you had a big push to meet your year-end goals. Or, it was slow and you were worried about making payroll. Or, it's your busy season and you've been flat out. And if your partner doesn't have your back during those tough times, you start to wonder what's the point of staying together anyway. The third reason is that people often look at their Finances in January. It's a time for year end performance reporting, tax prep, projections for the year ahead. And your relationship ties into that. And if it feels like it's not giving you a good return on your emotional investment, you might start thinking it's time to cut your losses and move on to something that will feel better for you. And the fourth reason is the Tradition of Resolutions and Fresh Starts You know what they are. It's always about losing weight, working out, going to the gym, being better about ...whatever. January is all about Resolutions and Big Changes. It's a natural time then to ask, "What needs to change in my life?" And for some people, that means deciding to get out of a relationship that isn't making them feel loved. For all those reasons, January is a turning point for many relationships. So, it's important to be realistic about the cost of the decisions you make. I'm going to talk about those costs now. There are emotional and social costs of divorce, and financial. And, I cannot overemphasize the emotional and social cost of divorce. It's really devastating, even if you're the one who initiated it and wants it. There's a huge sense of loss, guilt for not making it work, and shame because divorce is so public everyone knows you failed. Divorce also affects your social standing. Whether you realize it or not, couples often have more social standing than single people in many communities. And for me, having been single, married and divorced, I can tell you firsthand that's true. Your social circles, your family, your friends, and your community are all impacted when you separate from your spouse. Some of those relationships are going to break, some of them will stay with you, and you'll find new ones as you move on, but it's a major upheaval. Another point on this is that we are living in an isolation epidemic, and men are especially susceptible to loneliness. Divorce can push you farther into isolation, and it gets harder and harder to get out. So those are the emotional and social ones, and then there's the financial cost. Business owners like us can end up losing 55 to 70% of their net worth in a divorce. One of the reasons it's so high is that the financial trouble doesn't start the day you file. It often starts years earlier, where you're overspending on therapy and retreats and trial separations and separate housing and all these things, trying to save the relationship. And, as the relationship deteriorates, many people make sub-optimal financial decisions, like stashing cash, selling off investments ...that kind of thing. In addition to that, stress from a bad marriage can bleed into your work. It makes it harder for you to focus, and it negatively impacts your business. By the time the divorce papers are signed, the financial hit is often way worse than anybody expects. We're going to continue this conversation, but first I have a special message for you. If you're listening to this episode, and you're thinking about or maybe even fantasizing about a divorce--I know you're out there because over a half a million people get divorced every year.- -I can relate to how you're feeling because I've been there, and so I have many of my clients. It's an incredibly tough place to be. It's lonely and there are no easy answers. But With clarity comes control, and feeling more in control is invaluable. It helps you see your options better, understand what you truly want, and take action with confidence. You don't have to go through this alone. I want to help you. So I'm offering you this free Relationship Reset Call. This is not about slogging through your deepest, darkest thoughts. Instead it's 15 to 20 minutes, just you and me, where we get the big picture, and then we lay out some options that you might not have explored before. So even if you think your relationship is a lost cause, I really want to encourage you to have the conversation. You seriously have nothing to lose-- it's a free call. And, if nothing else, it gives you a second set of eyes on the situation, which every business owner knows is always a net gain. Just head over to relationshipresetcall.com, grab your spot, and we'll figure everything out. And we're back. So, I've given you the bad news about divorce now, and as I said my goal here is to help you avoid a divorce. Divorce isn't necessarily the only solution to a troubled marriage. My mission is to help you understand the other options, so you can make the choices that are best for you. So divorce is usually the known solution to the problem of a broken marriage. But most people I know don't want a divorce. It's just the only solution they know about. On the other hand, you'd like a better relationship but you don't know how to get that. So that's the desired, but unknown solution. And that's where I come in. I bring logic, analytical thinking and solid frameworks to help you uncover the real issues in your relationship and explore practical, effective ways to address them. With the right tools, that unknown solution becomes clearer, giving you more control over your situation and more confidence to choose what you truly want, whether that means rebuilding your relationship or moving forward on a new path. The goal is to help you move ahead without regrets and with clarity about your decision. That's why this month is about recommitment, whether that's to your marriage, to your own growth, or to creating a future that you can look forward to. I'll be here on the Make More Love show, sharing ideas, offering support, and giving you tools to take control of your situation. Usually, I give you three key points to take away from the current episode. But this time, I'm going to give you three key points to look for in the next three episodes. We're going to talk about overcoming betrayal. We'll talk about factors affecting your sex life. And we're going to talk about getting back on the same page. If you and your partner have developed different ideas about where you want your future to be. Whether you're just thinking about divorce, actively pursuing a divorce or hoping to never get divorced, the topics this month are to help you understand more about how to make your relationship work. And how they can break your relationship when they're not in place. I hope you never miss an episode, but really, you don't want to miss any of the episodes in January. I'll give you some new things to think about, to support you and to arm you with the tools to take control of your relationship and your future. Alright. I hope today's episode added some real value to your life. If you are ready for more support, ideas, or just someone to brainstorm with here are three ways to get that. One is to join our private and free Passionate Partners, Insider Community on Facebook for exclusive content and resources. Number two is to visit our website and our social channels to learn more about our programs, workshops, and private coaching options. That's passionatepartnersproject.com And number three, if you want to dive into your specific situation, book a free Relationship Reset Call with me. Whether it's a minor tune-up or a major overhaul, we'll make a plan to get you back on track. Just head over to relationshipresetcall.com to set that up. You'll find everything you need, including the links to everything I've mentioned and my personal email right in the show notes. Ellen@passionatepartnersproject.com I'll be here whenever you're ready. And now I've got a request. I could really use your help to get the word out about Make More Love. First, if you haven't already, please hit follow and subscribe on whatever platform you prefer when you do that. It helps more people find the show and it makes sure you don't miss anything. And second, even more important, leaving a review will really help me grow our community so we can reach even more people. And finally, if you know someone who's struggling in their relationship, please share the show with them. A simple share from you could be life-changing for them. So, thank you so much for spreading the word. I believe you had good reasons for choosing the partner you have. My mission is to help you reconnect with those reasons and discover new ways to Make More Love in Your Life and With Your Wife. I'm Ellen Dorian, and that's what I've got for you today.