39: The S*H*I*T Model: A Plan for Moving Beyond Betrayal

Ellen Dorian:
00:00:00

Hey there. Welcome to Make More Love. This is the show for driven entrepreneurial men who want a passionate, aligned, and fun relationship with their spouse that lasts a lifetime. I'm your host Ellen Dorian, and this is your space for straight-up, judgment-free conversations about creating a life where you handle the demands of business, relationships and everything else in a holistic and fulfilling way. We're all about helping you be extraordinary in every way that matters. If you're new to the show, be sure to hit that "Follow" or "Subscribe" button right now so you never miss an episode. If you're serious about transforming your relationship and your life, staying connected here is your first step. And, if you find today's conversation helpful, please share it with a friend who could use some new ideas for their own relationship. Today, we're getting into part three of our series on Divorce and How to Avoid It. I believe avoiding divorce requires that we bulletproof our relationships, from the stresses of life as well as the mistakes we're bound to make. Through my research, I've found that the most effective, logical, and actionable way to achieve this is by focusing on three key drivers that are present in every Passionate Partnership I've studied. Those three drivers are: Passion, Presence and Purpose. Last week, we talked about barriers to passion and sexual intimacy. This week, I'm going to talk about the competing forces of Presence and Betrayal. Betrayals are monumentally damaging to relationships because they attack two of the key drivers I just mentioned: Presence and Purpose, but especially Presence, because presence is about showing up fully in your relationship, emotionally, mentally, and physically. But, some of the biggest enemies of presence are Blame, Shame and Guilt, and betrayals generate all three of those in spades. When those emotions take over, they break our ability to connect, to listen and to be fully engaged with each other. So, what constitutes betrayal and how do you overcome it in a way that sets your relationship on a better path? Every relationship is going to experience let downs over the course of a lifetime. We're talking about human beings after all, and none of us are perfect. However, not every let down in a relationship is a betrayal. Some are disappointments. Disappointments hurt sometimes more than we expect. They're frustrating, even infuriating. They happen when expectations aren't met, like maybe your partner forgets something important, cancels plans at the last minute, or fails to follow through on a promise. But disappointments don't usually undermine the foundation of trust in your relationship. They're just the everyday bumps that happen when two imperfect people share a life. What's important is that you can, and usually do recover from them. There is one caveat. If you consistently disappoint your partner, that overall pattern of disappointment can add up to a betrayal of the commitment to your relationship. With that in mind, I want to tell you a story of one of my clients, CL. CL was married to the owner of a demolition contracting company, and her husband had a habit that frankly, she didn't like. He knew it wasn't good for him, and he often talked openly about giving it up, but he never followed through. Of course, she was disappointed, but as she put it, "I'm his lover, not his mother." Eventually though the situation came to a head and he finally decided to stop. She was so proud of him. She celebrated his decision, held his hand through it, gave him lots of acknowledgement and validation, and supported him to stick with it long enough to see how much better his life could be without it. And he soaked up all that positivity. But later, he went back to it. Without telling her. Even as she continued to cheer him on, he let her believe something that wasn't true. When she found out she said, "That's when disappointment turned into betrayal." It wasn't that he went back. It was that he led me on, letting me think he was done with it. And that's how something that started out as an undesirable, but not dangerous or illegal behavior became potential relationship ending event. CL hired me to get some clarity about whether she was willing to work on the relationship at all. She also needed to figure out how to trust if her husband was sincere about working on the relationship. And then we worked out what it would take to rebuild trust. I'm going to have to get back to you on this story and let you know how it plays out because it's too early to tell. What makes betrayals different from other kinds of letdowns is that they erode trust. They have two unique traits. The first one is Forethought. Betrayal often involves at least some awareness that your actions or inactions will hurt your partner or break trust. It's not just a mistake or an oversight. It's a choice to move forward despite knowing the likely emotional impact. The second one is Perception. Betrayal isn't just about what you did. It's about how your partner interprets your action. If they see it as crossing their emotional boundaries, breaking commitments, or de-valuing the relationship, it will feel deeply personal. Even if you weren't intending to damage the relationship, the emotional weight of feeling dismissed, unimportant or deceived creates the sense of betrayal. When we think of betrayal in a relationship, Infidelity's often the first one that comes to mind, but there are betrayals that are just as damaging, even if they don't involve an affair. Here are the top 12 examples of betrayals in relationship, not necessarily in order of importance. 1: Infidelity-either emotional or physical affairs. 2: Lying or hiding important information. 3: Breaking promises or consistently failing to follow through. 4: Unilaterally ending the sexual component of the relationship. 5: Prioritizing work or other obligations over the relationship. I know that's a little hard for us business owners to swallow, but if you talk to any spouse of any business owner, it quickly becomes apparent that it really does feel like a betrayal to them. 6: Sharing private information or breaking confidences. 7: Stonewalling or emotionally withdrawing. Episode 26 of the show is devoted to stonewalling, and if you haven't heard it, you should really go back and have a listen. 8: Addictions and the coverups that often accompany them. 9: Financial secrecy like hiding accounts or hiding assets or hiding debts. 10: Dismissing or invalidating your partner's feelings. 11: Public disrespect or criticism. 12: Not having your partner's back in a conflict. A common example is not standing up to your parents when they criticize your partner. So why is it important to recognize the line between disappointment and betrayal? The main reason is that it helps you respond in a way that's honest and fair and aligned with what your relationship actually needs. If you lean toward a more emotionally volatile style, you might over-emphasize something that's really not relationship limiting. But on the other hand, If you tend to downplay the importance of things, you might dismiss something that's actually a big issue for your partner. So, recognizing your own leanings and acknowledging your partner style is a big advantage. Let's talk about inevitability. I believe that disappointments are inevitable, but what about betrayals? Are they inevitable? The answer really depends on how you define betrayal. If you consider betrayal as an intentional breach of trust, then no, they're not inevitable. Betrayals require awareness and a conscious choice to disregard boundaries, values, or emotional safety Healthy relationships involve mutual respect and a shared commitment to avoid such breaches. Or If you think betrayals can also include unintentional or subtle breaches, then maybe they are inevitable. Things like forgetting a significant promise or failing to prioritize your partner or unintentionally crossing a boundary might happen even in the best relationships. The way we address acknowledge, repair and prevent them can mitigate their impact. If you and your partner can come to agreement about which definition you choose, you'll be in a much stronger position to work through any conflicts. So if you're looking for a place to begin, that's a great one. On that note. I'd like to share something. I offer my listeners. A lot of you've been reaching out with questions about your own relationships and I want to help. So, I'm offering this free Relationship Reset Call. It's a quick 15 or so minutes. Just you and me, where we get the lay of the land and we sketch out a plan to get you moving in the right direction. Would you like to be sure that you're focusing on the most urgent and important issues in your relationship? If you answered "Yes," then let's connect. Just head over to relationshipresetcall.com, grab your spot, and we'll jump on a call and figure everything out. Because honestly, ...and you know this as well as I do ...if you let your relationship slide, the cost to you financially, socially, emotionally, and in every other way is just enormous. It will truly put a dent in your armor. So let's not let that happen. Let's get you on a trajectory to Make More Love in Your Life and With Your Wife. And we're back. I'm really excited to share this next part with you. I just created a new model to help you overcome betrayal. It's called the S*H*I*T Model. This is a conceptual framework. There are quite a few implementation steps that are not listed here, but making a decision is a prerequisite for anything else to happen. When you're in a situation where a betrayal has happened, you might be wondering, can this even be fixed? That's where the S*H*I*T model comes in. It's not a one size fits all step-by-step process, but it provides a logical framework to help you think through the key steps that would be needed for recovery. It's a good idea to start by working through this on your own. That way you can determine if you're truly committed to repairing the relationship, because if you're not, there's no point in asking your partner, if they are. So let's get into this model. By the way, Y'all know I'm a straight talker, but the platforms that be are picky about language. So the word of the day is crap. There are three phases in the model. Phase One: Crap or Get Off the Pot. This means decide if you're ready to work on rebuilding trust in your relationship. Nothing can happen until you make a clear commitment to either repair the relationship or let it go. Take an honest look at where you stand and whether you're willing to show up for whatever happens next. If you're not ready yet, take a minute to figure out what's holding you back. Is it fear, or doubt, or maybe just not knowing where to start? Whatever it is, you need to get clear on it so that it can't continue to hold you back. Once you know that, you can start making real progress. Look at your habits and goals. What needs to shift so you can rebuild trust and reconnect with your partner? Consistency is the most important part of this. Show up as promised and follow through on whatever you say you will do. Let's move on to: Phase Two: Climb Off the Crap Pile. This means you'll need to stop nurturing your pain and set aside unrealistic expectations. The first thing is you're going to need to end your love affair with resentment. Resentment can be oddly seductive. It feels comforting and delicious because it justifies your pain and validates your anger. We often create a resentment story--a twisted version of a love story where we cast ourselves as both the victim and the hero. Now, if you're serious about rebuilding trust, it starts with saying goodbye to your resentment story. Think of it as a toddler, waving goodbye to their turd as they flush it away. It's time to let it go. The next thing is to Clear out the Fairy Tale Bullcrap In addition to letting go of your own story, we've got to let go of society's stories too, so let's drop the prince charming-s the soul mate-s the happily ever after-s, the love is all you need-s. The love conquers all-s. And the you complete me-s. That's a giant load of horsecrap that will only hold you back from building something real. Once you've done that, you'll be able to confront the real crap underneath. Ask yourself: What is my resentment protecting me from addressing? Chances are you'll uncover a ton of guilt and anger under there. Now, guilt is dead weight. It doesn't help anyone and just keeps you spinning your wheels. Anger is valid, but it's better out than in. Recognize it so it doesn't back up on you. Phase three is Compost that Crap This phase is about channeling all the crap you've been through to transform what you've learned into actionable steps that will generate growth and insight and increase your authenticity in the process. First, let's focus on personal growth, reflect on what this experience has taught you about your needs, your boundaries and values. Embrace self care to strengthen your wellbeing. Ask yourself: "How can I grow from this experience regardless of the outcome?" That's very important because if you only tie your growth to getting a specific outcome, you miss a lot of opportunities that could help you in future situations. Second, develop some routines for rebuilding connection, like weekly meetings or daily check-ins or intentional date nights. Right And, take one step at a time, rebuilding trust incrementally through consistent and meaningful actions. Collaborate on creating a new relationship model based on your shared purpose and values. And, you may need some help figuring crap out. You don't have to do this alone. A coach or a counselor can help you figure out what's holding you back and how to let it go. It's a dirty job, but having someone to help you can make it a whole lot better. I've created a resource to walk you through the S H I T model. There's a downloadable worksheet linked in the show notes to guide you through the process, use it to identify where you are and the steps you can take to move forward. And if you'd like some help with that, book a Relationship Reset Call with me and we'll work on it together relationshipresetcall.com As we wrap up, there are three key points I hope you'll take away from today's episode: #1: Not all let downs are betrayals. Disappointments hurt, but they don't usually erode trust, while betrayal strike at the foundation of the relationship. #2: Use the S H I T model to help you decide if you're ready to rebuild trust. It walks you through a process to determine whether you're prepared to do the work. #3: is decisiveness and letting go come first. Commit to staying or leaving and release resentment before addressing the betrayal itself. It might be jarring to some of you to think, oh, well, I'm not ready to overcome betrayal, but I'm not ready to end the relationship either. I get that. I really do, but if you can't commit to rebuilding trust, then you are letting go of the relationship. And in fact, a lot of relationships are dead for years before anybody realizes it. Can you really live your best life or even a good life with the corpse of your relationship rotting in your basement? I don't think so. So, do what you have to do to get to a place where you can decide what you need. Even if it's hard. Even if you don't want to. Decisiveness is everything here. Next week's episode is the last one in our Avoiding Divorce series. We're going to talk about what happens when you lose alignment, and how to get back on the same page with your partner, so you can move forward together and create the better relationship both of you want. Alright. I hope today's episode added some real value to your life. If you are ready for more support, ideas, or just someone to brainstorm with here are three ways to get that. One is to join our private and free Passionate Partners, Insider Community on Facebook for exclusive content and resources. Number two is to visit our website and our social channels to learn more about our programs, workshops, and private coaching options. That's passionatepartnersproject.com And number three, if you want to dive into your specific situation, book a free Relationship Reset Call with me. Whether it's a minor tune-up or a major overhaul, we'll make a plan to get you back on track. Just head over to relationshipresetcall.com to set that up. You'll find everything you need, including the links to everything I've mentioned and my personal email right in the show notes. Ellen@passionatepartnersproject.com I'll be here whenever you're ready. And now I've got a request. I could really use your help to get the word out about Make More Love. First, if you haven't already, please hit follow and subscribe on whatever platform you prefer when you do that. It helps more people find the show and it makes sure you don't miss anything. And second, even more important, leaving a review will really help me grow our community so we can reach even more people. And finally, if you know someone who's struggling in their relationship, please share the show with them. A simple share from you could be life-changing for them. So, thank you so much for spreading the word. I believe you had good reasons for choosing the partner you have. My mission is to help you reconnect with those reasons and discover new ways to Make More Love in Your Life and With Your Wife. I'm Ellen Dorian, and that's what I've got for you today.