41: Valentine’s Day—Hallmark Holiday or Passionate Power Play

Ellen Dorian:
00:00:00

Welcome back to Make More Love, the show where we share real strategies that help high performing men build passionate, intimate relationships and live fulfilling lives. I'm your host, Ellen Dorian. I'm both a relationship coach and a business coach., So I know how to handle all the crap that comes up when you're trying to be the best at everything. So let's get into it. It's our annual Valentine's Day special episode. Whether you're a diehard romantic or a grumpy cynic, this episode is for you. I'm giving you a fresh take on the hot topics surrounding this controversial holiday, along with practical tips to make this Valentine's Day the best one yet. This year, I'm sharing this episode a week earlier because I want you to have time to put our recommendations into action before the actual day. Let's not be that guy standing at the card aisle at CVS on February 14th, picking through the dregs of cards and drugstore candies. Instead, let's get this sorted out so you can make your partner feel loved and appreciated without the pressure, the substandard options, or the added expense of waiting to the last minute. It starts with a mindset check in. I know it's hard to believe, but Valentine's Day isn't universally loved. A lot of people see it as a Hallmark Holiday, a way to get you to open up your wallet, which you wisely clamped shut after the December holidays, and to get you to indulge in delicious food, which you swore off on January 2nd. Hey, for that reason alone, I adore Valentine's Day. Look, I can't blame you if you're not a fan because it's certainly got a huge commercial hype around it, but it's actually a holiday that celebrates rebellious spirits and clandestine love affairs. The roots of Valentine's Day go way, way back to ancient Rome, where a rebel priest named Valentine was executed for secretly marrying lovers against the emperor's orders, because apparently the emperor thought that single men made better soldiers than married men. And then, like so often happens over centuries, additional traditions and trappings get layered in. For example, Valentine's Day happens to overlap with a wild, erotic, pagan fertility festival The Catholic Church promoted St. Valentine's Day as a replacement for that decidedly non Christian celebration. Later, in the 1400s, it became popular to write down declarations of love to the people who caught your attention. And by the 1800s, clandestine love notes were all the rage. These secret messages were the original form of today's Valentine's Day cards. When I was in elementary school. We used to buy these bags of Valentine's cards to give out to everyone in our class and they were anonymous. It was supposed to promote inclusivity and increase social interactions. I don't know if they do that as much these days. So, while it can feel somewhat commercial on the surface, it's really part of a long history of celebrating love and desire and connection. Maybe knowing that makes it a little more appealing to you. But what if you're feeling indifferent to it or resentful about Valentine's Day? In my opinion, it really boils down to one thing. If the day is important to your partner, you will disappoint them if you don't step up at least to their level of attachment to it. In my single days, I never had a boyfriend who did a big Valentine's Day thing. So every year I'd sit in my office watching other women receive flowers and gifts while I got nothing. It wasn't a good day. So today, the beautiful flowers and the sweet card mean a lot to me. If you're not a big fan of the holiday, but your partner is, then I think you've got two choices. One, you could set a hard limit, let your partner know up front that you're just not going to budge on this point and you're not going to ever change and make sure they know you really mean it. And then they can adjust their expectations or Two, use Valentine's Day as a bonus opportunity to make your partner feel loved. Now, I hope you align with my mission, which is for you to make more love in your life and with your wife. And if you do, then ignoring Valentine's Day probably does not support that desired outcome. So Let's work out how you can make your partner feel seen and loved and appreciated without you feeling like a fake or spending a fortune just for show. Let's get the wheels turning. Think back to your most memorable Valentine's Day ever. What made it special? Was it a fancy night out or a spicy night in? A thoughtful gesture? What was it? Use that as a jumping off point for this year's celebration. By the way, I'd love to hear your best Valentine's day ideas, both the ones you've planned and the ones you've received from lovers. You can share that in our free and private Passionate Partners Insider Community on Facebook, or you can email me directly at ellen@passionatepartnersproject. com. I really want to hear what you have to say. Okay, let's run down the classic elements of Valentine's Day. First off, if you do nothing else, get a good card, but keep it real. Make sure that your card reflects the true state of your relationship. Don't buy a mushy card that doesn't reflect your current reality. Either find one that reflects something true about your feelings or buy a blank card and write something authentic in it. Anything else is a lie, and as ridiculous as this sounds, that sappy card can cause a whole lot more harm than good if it reflects a sentiment that is not present in your current relationship. Now, even if you've left this to the last minute and you're listening to this episode on Valentine's Day, you might still find something just right in the card aisle at CVS. Or maybe not. So as an alternative, consider a handwritten love letter or poem. How hot would that be? And you can do that right up until the very last minute. And if you're not a writer, use Chat GPT It's like having your own personal Cyrano de Bergerac. We're going to get into the specifics of planning next, but before that, I want to tell you about something I've made just for you. Valentine's Day is coming up fast. If you feel overwhelmed or you feel like it's too late to do anything, I've got you covered. I created the ultimate Valentine's Day Planning Kit to help you cover all the bases and come out looking like a modern day hero. This free kit includes a day-by-day timeline to stay on top of the deadlines, some of my favorite sources for cards, gifts, and experiences, and a planner to help you keep everything organized and easy to track. The link for the Ultimate Valentine's Day Planning Kit is in the show notes. Trust me and get on this now. You'll be less stressed, less likely to mess up, and your partner will notice the effort. So download the free kit and get it done today. Again, the link is in the show notes. And we're back. Let's move on to actually planning the day. It starts by understanding what your partner truly desires out of the experience. If you don't know whether they are all in or couldn't care less, then doing your research could save your ass and get you a better outcome. And you'll learn a ton for the future. Here are the three most common possibilities. The first possibility is they're just not that into it and neither are you. If that's you guys, then woohoo! You get to both pass on it. But even if your partner isn't expecting anything, I still recommend doing a little something. Just because it's an opportunity for a small gesture of affection. Maybe get their car washed or bring them breakfast in bed or something like that. Because showing that you care and are thinking about your partner is never overrated. And hey, if they're really chill about the day but they love chocolates, you know everything goes on sale February 15th. So go and pick up one of those giant box of chocolates, maybe one of those big heart shaped ones at a super duper deal and give it to them with a note that says, "a day later and a dollar richer." Showing that you care will never go unappreciated even if you're both low key about the actual day. let's move on to the second possibility where your partner wants a celebration, but they aren't tied to tradition, so you get to think outside the chocolate box. Maybe flowers are not their thing, so maybe a different kind of bouquet, like balloons or cookies or lollipops or even beef jerky and salami bouquets. Yep, they're a thing, just Google them and you'll see. Or if you're the creative type, maybe make them a personal playlist or write a poem or sing a song or paint a painting just for them. Or if you're craving a cozy night in, order your partner's favorite takeout but serve it on the good dishes. Or whip up something in the kitchen yourself. You could try one of the recipes in the Passionate Partners Insider Community. We've got recipes for classic cheese and chocolate fondues, the world's easiest chocolate cake, some bacon bourbon peanut butter cookies, which are very good, and a few specialty cocktails in there too. Or, simply take your lover to bed and do the things they love most. Start building the mood at breakfast time. The key takeaway in this second scenario is that doing something that fits your partner's personality and your own is a better way to go than just hauling out the tired old Valentine's Day props. In fact, just today, I was talking with a client who mentioned that his girlfriend seemed to be embarrassed when he gave her a big bouquet of flowers in front of others, but in private she loved getting gifts and flowers. So knowing how your partner feels about romantic gestures is important because it avoids you misinterpreting their reactions to your efforts. Or if you know that they have strong feelings about such things, you won't spend time or money on things they won't appreciate. Now, let's move on to the third possibility, which is that your partner is a Valentine's Day traditionalist. For traditionalists, Valentine's Day isn't complete without all the classic elements, roses, chocolates, and a fancy dinner. If your partner falls into this category, take my advice and just do it. And not only do it, but show that you understood the assignment. Roses are classic, but knowing your partner's favorite flower, that's rock star class. And chocolate? Skip that generic box. Get the ones that make their eyes light up. And buy the bling if that's your thing. Then make the fancy dinner reservation if you can. If you've got the budget but can't get a table, consider bringing a special dinner in. Back during the pandemic, my partner ordered a complete Valentine's Day meal from Smith Wollensky's, which is a high end steakhouse here in our area. That meal was fantastic. It was a fancy appetizer, a beautiful salad, a perfectly cooked steak with fixings and two specialty desserts. We ate that thing for a couple of meals. But if your budget is more modest, that's all good too. One perfect flower is as good as a dozen, if there's meaning behind it. A few exquisite chocolates, a beautifully set table with the takeout, even if it's fast food, it's the flair that counts. And a good Prosecco can make that night special for just a few bucks. The key takeaway here is that if your partner is traditional, then your best play is to get it right. Otherwise, you risk creating disappointing memories that last for weeks or months or even years. You could spend the rest of your life starting every year in the hole, and nobody wants that. As I said at the beginning, if you're listening to this on the actual Valentine's Day, it's obviously going to be a little late for some of these things, but there are plenty of things among these ideas that you could still pull off. Also, if you waited till the last minute or you blew it off, you should know that you're not alone. A while back, I got a message from one of my clients about my Valentine's Day post on LinkedIn from last year. He said he wished that he'd seen the post before Valentine's Day and it would have saved him a world of hurt. That's why I decided to post this episode a week earlier than usual. Anyway, he and I set up a strategy call and we worked out a plan for a Valentine's Day "do- over" that his wife loved, and also set him up with a system he could use to make every Valentine's Day a blockbuster from that point forward. In fact, he uses it now for every holiday, not just Valentine's Day, but all the birthdays and anniversaries and everything else. That strategy call is actually what led me to create the Ultimate Valentine's Day Planning Kit that I mentioned earlier. And you can get it for free. The link in the show notes will take you right there. Now you can use that planner on your own. Or, you could invite your partner to work through it with you and create a plan for next year that will make a memorable celebration you create together. Then you can just take the steps to make sure that it comes to life. However your Valentine's Day goes this year, whether you hit it out of the park or you fall flat, there's always room for expansion and improvement. So what's one thing you can do to heat up your next Valentine's Day, whether that's this one or the next? To sum up, today we talked about Valentine's Day. We talked about how some people have a resistance to it. We talked about how to make it a good day, and we talked about how to change up your Valentine's Day game for the future. When you show your partner that you get them, your relationship will be stronger and more resilient and more loving, and you'll get more respect, more affection, and more intimacy. Alright, I hope today's episode got you thinking, but you know we can only do so much in an open forum like this. If you want to look at your specific situation, you can book a free Relationship Reset Call. It's a quick, private call tailored exactly for you. We'll figure out your next best move and set you on a path to a better relationship for both you and your partner. Just head over to relationship reset call dot com and pick a time. You can also join the Passionate Partners Insider Community on Facebook for exclusive content and resources, and visit our website or social channels to learn more about our programs, workshops, and private coaching options. All the links to everything I mentioned plus my personal email are in the show notes. I'll be here whenever you're ready. Now I've got a quick request. I'd really appreciate your help spreading the word about Make More Love. First, if you haven't done it already, hit follow or subscribe on your favorite platform. It helps more people find the show and it also keeps you in the loop. Second, leaving a review would mean the world. It helps us grow our community and reach more people. And finally, if you know someone who is struggling in their relationship, then share the show with them. You might just change their life. Thank you so much for spreading the word. I believe you had good reasons for choosing your partner. My mission is to help you reconnect with those reasons and discover new ways to Make More Love in your life and with your wife. I'm Ellen Dorian and that's what I've got for you today.