42: Stuck in the Doghouse? Here’s How to Get Out—and Stay Out

Ellen Dorian:
00:00:00

Welcome back to Make More Love. In this show, we share real strategies that help high performing men build passionate intimate relationships and live fulfilling lives. I'm your host Ellen Dorian. I'm both a relationship coach and a business coach, so I know how to handle all the crap that comes up when you're working to be the best at everything. So let's get into it. Today, we're going to talk about the doghouse, and that's not an entirely random thing. So this episode goes live the day before Valentine's Day and a week after my Valentine's Day Special Episode. So, if you didn't listen to that, or you listened but didn't follow the plan, I'm thinking you might need a plan for getting out of the doghouse pretty damn soon. We're going to explore today why the doghouse dynamic happens, how you can recognize it early, what to do if you find yourself in it, and how to prevent yourself from ending up there again. I want to start out by saying that I emphatically do not condone the idea of a doghouse. You are not a dog! You are partners and you deserve direct communication and respect. And later in this episode, we're going to talk about how to get rid of the doghouse for good. Still, it's worth looking at this topic in a little more detail. So, let's start with What it means to be in the doghouse. It's one of those things you always know when you're in it, right? A lot of people equate the doghouse with being in trouble, but that's really not the full picture. The doghouse is an unspoken, but very real emotional space where one partner feels isolated or punished for a perceived offense often without clear communication about what went wrong. The person in the doghouse senses that something's off, but they don't know what they did wrong or how to fix it. And they don't know how long it's going to go. It could be for hours, days, or much longer than that. They're left guessing, walking on eggshells, and trying to earn their way back to good standing. There's three reasons why you could find yourself in the doghouse: The first one is unmet expectations. These are either assumptions or promises that you have made, and maybe have forgotten or delayed, disappointing your partner relative to their expectations. The second one is emotional disconnect. Over time, unresolved feelings about, for instance, those disappointments, or other frustrations, or lack of support can fester, creating a pattern where issues build up without being addressed. because you never talk about them. And the third one is perception versus intention. You may intend to do your best, but your partner only sees the impact of your actions or your lack of actions. Another characteristic of the doghouse is that it sneaks up on you. Why does it sneak up? you'd think you'd be able to see it coming, but we have busy lives and high performing men, like many of my clients, are so focused on work and responsibilities that they overlook subtle signs, their partner's feeling neglected or upset. They overlook those things all the time. And then there's that lack of communication that we just talked about where many couples don't openly discuss their needs or frustrations until the resentment really boils over. In short, the doghouse is a state of Disconnection. It's not about being punished for doing something bad. It's about how you and your partner are managing communication expectations and emotional needs. Let me ask you a question: Have you ever had a friendship that felt one-sided? You're always the one reaching out, making the plans, keeping the connection alive. And sure, your friend is always happy when you're in touch and enjoys what you do together, but they never take the initiative themselves to reach out. At some point, maybe you've had this thought, "This sucks. I'm going to stop reaching out and see how long it takes them to notice." And then nothing. Days turn into weeks, and months, and eventually you realize they're gone out of your life. That was a test, and your friend failed it. And you may be thinking, well, if they weren't going to hold up their end, then maybe this is for the best. and maybe it is for the best However! There's always going to be a part of you that's still waiting for your friend to reach out, even if it's been years. There's that open loop and it never completely closes. It leaves a mark. the doghouse is a variation of that test. It's usually not the first thing your partner tries when they want your attention. In fact, It's often a sign that you haven't been responding to what John Gottman calls "bids for connection." A bid can be as simple as, you know, "What do you think about X?" or "I need your help with Y." When you show up and engage, you strengthen the connection, but when you don't take those bids seriously and you repeatedly neglect them along with promises you made and all those kinds of things, resentments start to build up. Your partner is likely to try a few times and maybe a few different ways, like they might ask sweetly, and then they might ask angrily, they might ask jokingly, but if none of those things work, eventually they stop trying, and typically they withdraw, and that's how you find yourself in the doghouse. I want to tell you a story about Bill. He's one of my VIP clients. So we spend a full day in person a few times a year. We were just getting going in one of those sessions when he said, "I'm so tired of being in the doghouse with my wife. Half the time I don't even know what landed me there. And since I don't know what I did, I basically just have to wait until she lets me out." And I said, "The other half of the time though, you do know why you're in the doghouse, right?" "Well sure" he said. "When I do something wrong, I know it and I understand how I got into trouble. And, I usually have a pretty good idea on how to get out. But other times I think everything's okay. But then I get some kind of a message that just seems off and when I ask her what's up, she pulls that "I'm fine" line. I'm not dumb enough to fall for that one, but I can't get any answers either." "Look, I'm working my butt off 12, 14 hours a day. First off, I think I should get a pass on the little things. And second, if I've done something wrong, just tell me so I can make it right and we can move on with our lives." I hear you. So let's see if we can unpack this thing. Let's start with what we know: You told me when you do something wrong and you get put in the doghouse, you know why you're there, right?" "Yes." "And you also usually know how to fix it. Is that right?" "Yes." "So if you did not do something wrong, but you're in the dog house and you don't know how to fix it, cause you don't know why, then I think it's most likely that you're in the doghouse for something you did not do or something you forgot." "Does that ring any bells for you?" "Hmm. When you put it that way...she's complaining that she's tired of the cold. I said we could go on a warm weather vacation, but I haven't had the time to plan it. It's not like I don't want to, but it's a bad time for me to take time off out of the business." Okay. Anything else? "Well, she mentioned she's been having trouble sleeping. She complaints that the smoke detectors wake her up." "What?" "You know, when the batteries get low and they do that chirping thing randomly in the middle of the night. I know I should change them, but what can I say? I forget about it cause I don't even notice when they're chirping." there it was. Two unfulfilled promises: a vacation she was looking forward to, and something as small as changing the smoke detector batteries. Now, I want you to really think about your own relationship. How many times has your partner brought something up: a request, a frustration, or a need that you've brushed off or promised to handle and forgot? How many small promises have you broken even though you didn't mean to and didn't think it was going to be a big deal? But it is a big deal because your partner remembers them, and they add up, and eventually there's a shift where your partner pulls back. They stop talking and they stop making new bids for connection and they freeze you out. And now out of the blue, you feel you're in the doghouse, but your partner sees it as a logical sequence of events that led up to this sort of friendship test. As you might've guessed, I've got a way out of this and I'm going to share that with you in a bit, but let's get back to Bill's story first. I said to Bill, "Okay. If I hear you right, you said, "I made a promise to take her away from the cold, but I didn't follow through. And I knew she was having trouble sleeping, but I forgot about changing the smoke detector batteries because they weren't keeping me awake. Is that right? "Mm." "So what message are you conveying to your wife with those actions?" Oh, man, I suck don't I." Nah. We're going to continue this conversation right after this message. A lot of you've been asking what happens when you work with me. Let me break that down for you. We don't just sit around talking and I don't just dish out advice. I work from a place of logic and strategies and solutions, because I believe the same strategies that solve business problems can be applied to relationships. So, you and I will team up to get a clear picture of what's really going on in your relationship. Then we'll pinpoint the top priorities to work on. We lay out a strategic plan to target the things that will actually make a difference. And then I'm right there with you, supporting you as circumstances change and helping you stay focused on what's important. You'll build new skills and strategies to get out of the rut and create the passionate partnership you crave. So if you're stuck in a loveless limbo, why would you want to stay there? Your first step out is easy. Set up a relationship reset call with me. It's free. It's quick. Just 15 minutes. Just you and me. You'll bring me up to speed. I'll let you know if I think I can help. And if not, I'll tell you that too. We'll work out one or two action steps to get you moving forward right away. And after that, if you want more help I'll let you know how to get it. Let's be honest. You already know what's at stake here. If you let your relationship fall apart, the cost to your financial, social, and emotional well being is ginormous. It's going to leave a permanent dent in your armor. So, let's not let that happen. Head over to relationshipresetcall.com And grab a spot. Let's get you back on track to make more love in your life and with your wife. And, we're back. I helped Bill see that unintentionally his actions were telling his wife what's important to her wasn't necessarily important to him. Once he saw it from that point of view, he was ready to make some changes. We set up a two pronged strategy to get to the heart of the matter. First, we aligned his actions with his intentions, and he created a plan to follow through on the promises he had made that started with tracking the promises he had made, because he sometimes didn't even remember all the things that he promised. I don't think that's so unusual, do you? Second, we prepared him for a conversation with his wife to retire the doghouse, one where he could ask for more direct communication instead of any subtle hints or expectations without communication. Bill was able to tell her, "I want to do better, but I need you to help me out by being clear when something's bothering you. That way I can fix it right away before it becomes a bigger issue." Bill went from disengaged to showing up and that made a huge difference to his wife. I've heard no mention of the doghouse since then. Now, not everyone's situation looks exactly like Bill's, but the principles apply across the board. So here are five strategies for retiring the doghouse in your own relationship that you can start using today: Number one is recognize and respond to bids for connection. Pay attention to your partner's comments, questions, requests. They can be subtle, but they're also important. Number two is acknowledge promises, the ones you make and the ones that are unfulfilled. Be honest with yourself about any commitments you've made that you haven't kept. Take ownership, and if you think an apology is warranted, then do that. The third one is take an immediate action, one thing that you can fix today that you know will make your partner's life easier or show that you care. Number four is to have a conversation with your partner about the doghouse and the damage that it's causing. Of course, that does mean that you're going to need to be open to hearing what's on their mind and willing to work with them on solutions, so be sure you're ready to commit to that. But if that feels like a stretch, you can still ask for more direct communication and maybe give your partner some feedback on how to express their concerns in a way and at a time that will enable you to respond well. And number five is establish regular check ins. Create a routine where you and your partner can touch base on needs, expectations, and frustrations before they build up. In my coaching program, we implement a weekly meeting that handles a lot of these things, especially the expectations. One of the key reasons that we suggest a weekly planning session is just for this reason: so you can raise expectations, make clear requests, and schedule things so that they do get done and the frustration doesn't build up. I'd love to see us all retire the doghouse because it's a bad analogy, and the approach to communication that creates it is no good either. Instead, let's work on open and direct communication. Consistent efforts to pay attention, follow through, and clear up misunderstandings quickly all work together to build a stronger, more connected relationship. When you show your partner that you understand their needs, and take action to support them, you'll start to get more respect, more affection, and deeper intimacy. Relationships are never perfect, but they are about both partners showing up and making each other feel seen, heard, valued, and loved. Alright. I hope today's episode got you thinking. But you know, we can only do so much in an open forum like this. If you want to look at your specific situation, book in that free Relationship Reset Call. We'll figure out the next best move and set you on a path to a better relationship for both you and your partner. Again, you can just head over to relationshipresetcall. com and pick a time. You can also join our Passionate Partners Insider Community on Facebook. There's exclusive content and resources there. Or, visit our website or our social channels to learn more about our programs, workshops, and private coaching options. All the links to everything I mentioned plus my personal email are in the show notes. I'll be here whenever you're ready. Now I've got a quick request. I'd really appreciate your help spreading the word about Make More Love. First, if you haven't done it already, hit follow or subscribe on your favorite platform. It helps more people find the show and it also keeps you in the loop. Second, leaving a review would mean the world. It helps us grow our community and reach more people. And finally, if you know someone who is struggling in their relationship, then share the show with them. You might just change their life. Thank you so much for spreading the word. I believe you had good reasons for choosing your partner. My mission is to help you reconnect with those reasons and discover new ways to Make More Love in your life and with your wife. I'm Ellen Dorian and that's what I've got for you today.