43: Seriously? How to Bring Back the Fun in Your Relationship

Ellen Dorian:
00:00:00

Welcome back to Make More Love. In this show, we share real strategies that help high performing men build passionate intimate relationships and live fulfilling lives. I'm your host Ellen Dorian. I'm both a relationship coach and a business coach, so I know how to handle all the crap that comes up when you're working to be the best at everything. So let's get into it. I kind of think marriage is a ridiculous idea. Do you ever have that thought? For those of us over 45, it's pretty standard. You meet someone in whatever random way, date for maybe a year or two, both of you being on your best behavior, then you spend a fortune on a wedding and a honeymoon, and just like that, you're now bound to another person in a setup with a 50 percent failure rate with no plan, no instruction manual, no roadmap. And if you screw it up, you could lose half of everything you own. Who would sign up for that? Millennials and Gen Z are a little smarter about it. They date longer. They live together first. And they think more about compatibility. But even with all that, most of them still end up in a relationship that's supposed to last a lifetime without a real plan for how to make that happen. If you ask me, that's ridiculous, maybe even insane, but I'll stop at ridiculous. And then we double down on the ridiculous When the relationship goes south, we try to fix it using logic. Which is where I think traditional relationship advice falls short. It tends to focus on fixing problems, but it stops short of addressing the reality of bringing back fun, connection, and desire, they Don't just come back on their own. You have to create them. and that's a lot harder to do than you'd think It's like losing a sword fight. You're bleeding all over the place, and you slap a bandage on it and call it merely a flesh wound, but if you don't get it treated correctly, it won't heal right, and you may not actually live to fight another day. Repairing and reigniting a relationship isn't just about stopping the bleeding. it's about healing, rebuilding, and making it stronger than it was before. In my observation, the happiest couples are the ones who lean into the absurdity of the situation we've put ourselves in. So today we're going to talk about the Absurdity Principle of Relationship Growth. If staying together for life is already absurd, the best way to thrive is to embrace that absurdity. So let's inject more fun into your love life. Not just on date nights, but every day. When relationships fail, it's not always because people stop loving each other, but it's almost always because they stop having fun together. That's where the absurdity principle comes in. It's about bringing back fun, freshness, and excitement to your relationship. Let's start out by rating your relationship's fun level from 1 to 10. Got it? If it's below a seven, I'm going to assume you don't want it to stay that way. So here are three approaches to change that. The first approach is a surrender date. We've talked about surrender dates before, but I'm going to get into it a little bit more today. A surrender date is a great idea because sometimes letting go of control leads to the best experiences and a better connection. There are three reasons why this works. Number one is that letting go builds trust. When one person takes the lead, the other one can enjoy being taken care of, and that deepens your emotional connection. Number two is that surprise fuels excitement. Not knowing exactly what's coming next recreates the thrill of early dating when everything felt fresh and unpredictable. And number three, it shifts the usual dynamic. If you always make the decisions together, this switches things up. Here's how surrender dates work. One partner takes full control of the date, the other partner goes along for the ride, no questions, no vetoes, full trust, except for that you do have to honor consent and boundaries, no matter what. It's a good idea to trade off. So if you take the lead on one date, then the next time your partner should take the lead, so that each partner gets the opportunity to be the lead and to surrender to the experience. So who should go first? If one partner usually takes charge, let the other one lead first. If one partner struggles to let go and always needs to be in control, then they should surrender first. And if you're one of those couples who goes, "What do you want to do? I don't know. What do you want to do?" Then just flip a coin and randomly decide who goes first. The point is to get out of routine, so it just matters that you do it. Here are a few ideas for surrender dates. The first one is the full experience where one partner plans everything from the outfit you wear to the place you go, the food you eat, even how the night ends. The other partner must fully commit, go along with it. Of course, as I said before, both partners need to consent and honor boundaries. The second one is a little pared back. It's the blindfolded outfit challenge. I saw this on TikTok. One partner picks out two outfit options, while the other one is blindfolded. The blindfolded partner points to one of the two options, and that's what they wear for the date. And there's no take backs. And you can do this for a whole outfit or do it one element at a time. There's a reason I'm spending so much time on outfits. Dressing outside your norm can actually give you the freedom to take on a whole new persona. It's like wearing a costume. It allows you to put on a character. And you might find yourself behaving completely differently than you usually do. Another idea is to try the something new challenge. So pick an activity that you've never done before and do it together. Here's just a few ideas that might inspire you. So you could go to a trampoline park. You could go drive race cars. Take a chocolate making class or go axe throwing. I really like the idea of axe throwing. Or set up your own DIY food tour or a pub crawl. Go to a retro arcade. My husband and I just did the arcade thing a couple of weekends ago. We went to Fun Spot in New Hampshire, which is the world's largest arcade or it was back in 2008. I don't know if it still is, but it was pretty amazing. They had all kinds of games, pinball machines, video games. Even the oldest ones, I played Pong with the two knobs. That was pretty cool. You could go bowling or go to mini golf or something like that. Especially if you do that in fancy dress, and make it a little bit special. Or you could go to a drive in movie at a real drive in. I know there's one near me and you can bring a real picnic and make out in the backseat of the car. Those are just a few ideas. I'm sure you could come up with better ones and I really want to hear if you do. So my challenge to you for this is plan a surrender date this week or next week and tag me in the Facebook group with your best moment or send me an email and tell me what you did. We're going to continue this conversation about having fun in your relationship right after this message. A lot of you've been asking what happens when you work with me. Let me break that down for you. We don't just sit around talking and I don't just dish out advice. I work from a place of logic and strategies and solutions, because I believe the same strategies that solve business problems can be applied to relationships. So, you and I will team up to get a clear picture of what's really going on in your relationship. Then we'll pinpoint the top priorities to work on. We lay out a strategic plan to target the things that will actually make a difference. And then I'm right there with you, supporting you as circumstances change and helping you stay focused on what's important. You'll get out of the rut and create the passionate partnership you crave. So if you're stuck in a loveless limbo, why would you want to stay there? Your first step out is easy. Set up a Relationship Reset Call with me. It's free. It's quick. Just 15 minutes. Just you and me. You'll bring me up to speed. I'll let you know if I think I can help. And if not, I'll tell you that too. We'll work out one or two action steps to get you moving forward right away. And after that, if you want more help I'll let you know how to get it. Let's be honest. You already know what's at stake here. If you let your relationship fall apart, the cost to your financial, social, and emotional well being is ginormous. It's going to leave a permanent dent in your armor. So, let's not let that happen. Head over to relationshipresetcall.com And grab a spot. Let's get you back on track to make more love in your life and with your wife. And we're back. So sometimes a surrender date won't be feasible. But, you can still do a lot to mix things up. The next approach is something you can do really anytime or anywhere. And I call it Who's Line Couples Edition. It's based on the show, Whose Line Is It Anyway? A really long running improv comedy show where the comedians make up scenes, games, and jokes on the spot with no script, just based on prompts that the host gives them. So here's why the Whose Line model works. First, novelty equals attraction. The brain craves new experiences, and playful unpredictability triggers excitement and connection. Number two is that laughter builds connection and intimacy. Shared jokes, funny moments, inside humor create a deeper emotional bond. I know you know this because you know there are times when you're doing something that's not even supposed to be funny but it turns funny and before you know it the two of you are laughing your asses off. Having a really good time and it brings you closer. The third one is it increases spontaneity and takes the pressure off. The great thing about this approach is you don't need to do very much planning in advance. When your relationship gets too dull, too focused on logistics, or too disconnected, you could just give this a try without doing a whole lot of planning for it. So if you've ever seen the show, they have a lot of different games. I've picked out three that are pretty easy to explain and easy to do. The first one is called Questions Only, and that means you can only talk in questions. So each question you ask needs to be answered with a different question. And you go back and forth until somebody flubs up and then you start a new one. Second one is called Scenes from a Hat. That is picking out a random scene idea and then acting it out together. Here are three examples of Scenes from a Hat. Number one, you're total strangers stuck in an elevator when the power goes out. One of you stays completely calm and the other is panicking. Number two. One of you is a spy, the other is their handler. You try to communicate using code words, but the spy keeps misinterpreting them. Number three is a celebrity and their over-the-top fan who finally gets to meet them. It could be flattering, it could be just uncomfortable, it could be sexy. You get to decide how that goes. So those are just three ideas for scenes from a hat, but I know that those can be hard to come up with, so I've actually made you 25 of those. And you can get that list of 25, in the show notes, there's going to be a link to it. Just print out the sheet, cut it into pieces. Put them in a hat or a bowl or something and then pick them out randomly and just use them that way. The third who's line game that I think you can do easily at home is called Props. It's the game of ridiculous uses. This is where you grab any random household object and come up with as many ridiculous uses for it as possible. It can be anything except the object's actual use. For example, you could use a frying pan as a helmet or as a mirror or as a medieval weapon and, bonus points if you make it flirty. So those are three Who's Line games, and I'm going to give you one more bonus because I think it's really fun. And that is undercover roleplay. Go out for real, but pretend you just met. Use fake names, fake backstories, make it all up as you go along. You'll be surprised at what you find out about your partner and I would love to hear. So DM me with the most surprising things you learned. I'm really looking for ideas from you that I can use for future episodes. So try one of these games. And send me a message with the funniest things that happen. I cannot wait to hear from you. And as I said, we've got a list of 25 setups for the Scenes from A Hat, that you can get at the link that you'll find in the show notes. Okay, this brings us to the third approach, which is to try something physical together. Physical activity naturally boosts attraction through body chemistry and shared experience. You give off hormones and pheromones and all kinds of things happen when you're doing something physical together. Playfulness plus movement usually amounts to some kind of fun. So a few ideas for you to try. There's a sexy couples workout. You can try partner yoga or some kind of flirty fitness challenge. I know there are a couple of like really sexy partners workouts that you can buy online and I recommend checking one of those out. you can take a dance class or make up your own dance class or Just dance in your living room. And there's also a program out there I think it's called show her off. It's a video course for beginner dancers who just want to go have a good time and have a sexy night. If you are, if you're up for the mess, you could try a body painting night. Use each other as the canvas. I suggest laying down a tarp for that. Or you can try doing some of the things you used to do as a kid. Go roller skating, or ice skating, or sledding, because it's winter here. or you can go swimming, run through the sprinkler, play twister. I'm sure you can think of a lot of great things too. let's just sum up the three approaches. that I suggested to inject more fun into your relationship. Number one was the surrender date. Number two was the whose line couples edition. And number three was trying a new physical activity. The Absurdity Principle for growing your relationship is about getting out of your comfort zone, breaking the routine, and bringing more fun into the relationship. Just pick any one of these approaches and see how fast the energy shifts. And, if you're really struggling with this and you would like some help, then set up a Relationship Reset Call with me and we'll brainstorm some ideas. Just go to relationshipresetcall.com and pick a time, and we'll figure out some things for you to try. We all want our relationships to be fun and exciting and full of memorable moments. Unfortunately, fun doesn't just happen. We're too busy. We're too stressed. We've got too much baggage. So you have to make space for it. You have to create it. And yeah, sometimes that takes effort. But, wasn't planning fun times exciting when you were first dating? It was work, right? But it was also high reward and that's still going to be true. All of today's strategies point to a crucial part of the Make More Love model and that is prioritizing pleasure. When you prioritize pleasure first, That can lead to all kinds of other interesting possibilities. Because more pleasure also can mean more sex. And the sex you have is going to be better if it's been primed with pleasure. So like anything else, you get out what you put in. S Takeaways, but in this case I'm just going to give you getting started points. Number one is to start small. You don't have to overhaul your whole relationship overnight. Just pick one playful thing to add this week. Number two. Schedule it if you have to. The idea that intimate parts of a relationship need to be spontaneous is straight up bullshit. I've said this before but it's worth repeating. When you were first dating you planned and you scheduled and how did that work out? And number three is push through the awkwardness. If you've gotten out of the habit of having fun together there's no doubt it's gonna feel a little bit weird. So what? It's already ridiculous anyway, so just laugh your way through it because Funny thing about fun, even if you have to work at it when it starts to take effect Everything else in the relationship starts feeling easier and lighter. So don't wait, don't try to be perfect, just give it a try and let me know what happens. I really want to hear from you. Alright. I hope today's episode got you thinking. But, you know, we can only do so much in an open forum like this. So if you want me to have a look at your specific situation, Book a free Relationship Reset Call. It's quick, private, and tailored exactly for you. We'll figure out your next best move and set you on the path to a better relationship for both you and your partner. Just head over to relationshipresetcall.com and pick a time. Also the show notes include all the resources. I mentioned, including the links, plus my email where you can share your thoughts privately any time. If this episode brought you value, please help me out. First, follow or subscribe, so you don't miss anything Second, leave a review to help others find the show. And third share this episode with someone you know who might need it. You could change their life. I'm Ellen, and that's what I've got for you today, Until next time, keep in mind that what I want most in the world is for you to make more love in your life and with your wife.