44: Date Nights: Understanding the Assignment!

Ellen Dorian:
00:00:00

Welcome back to Make More Love. In this show, we share real strategies that help high performing men build passionate intimate relationships and live fulfilling lives. I'm your host Ellen Dorian. I'm both a relationship coach and a business coach, so I know how to handle all the crap that comes up when you're working to be the best at everything. So let's get into it. Last week, we talked about bringing fun back into your relationship, breaking out of routines, shaking things up, and making things feel fresh. Today, we're following that up with a replay of one of my favorite episodes, Mastering Date Night. When it comes to increasing the intimacy in your relationship, spontaneity is important, but so is planning romantic opportunities. If your date nights are the same old dinner and a movie or take out and Netflix month after month, frankly, you really can't expect that to lead to a night of hot sex. I am pretty sure you knew that already. In fact, if your date nights are that routine, you're probably already skipping them more often than not. This episode is all about making date night something you both look forward to, without over complicating it or making it feel like a chore. If you want to get better at planning dates that actually reignite that spark, this one's for you. So here you go, from Episode 7 of Make More Love, Mastering Date Night. Today, we're going to talk about how to become a master of date night. Sounds kinda sexy, doesn't it? Let's face it. The longer you've been married, the easier it is for date nights to fizzle out into the same old thing week after week. Believe me, I've been there too. So in today's episode, we're cutting through the clutter of cliched date ideas to help you become a master of planning for an epic date night that reignites the spark and fuels the fire in your marriage. I'll be walking you through a practical framework that will transform your approach to planning date night. But first, I want to let you know about something I'm offering for my listeners: A lot of you've been reaching out with questions about your own relationships, and I want to help. So, I'm offering my listeners a free Relationship Reset Call: it's a quick 15 minutes with just you and me. We'll figure out what problem to tackle first. Then we'll lay out a plan with one or two steps to get you moving in the right direction. And after that, if you'd like more help I'll let you know how to get it. If you let your relationship go downhill the cost to your financial, social and emotional wellbeing is enormous. It will truly put a dent in your armor. So let's not let that happen. Head over to relationshipresetcall.com to grab your spot. Let's get you on a trajectory to Make More Love... in Your Life and With Your Wife. And we're back. Let's get into the topic of how to become a master at planning an epic date night. If you want your dates to be fun and fuel lasting passion in your relationship, then you need more than just a list of ideas. You need a framework to follow that allows you to generate a lifetime of epic date nights. And by now, if you've been listening, you know I'm all about the frameworks. So let's lay one down for this. The framework for an epic date night has three parts. Number one. How you want your partner to feel on the date? Number two. Incorporating emotional elements that enhance that mood and vibe. And Number three. Varying the types of dates you plan, so you don't get into a rut. Let's start with how you want your partner to feel on the date. You've got a lot more control over this than you might think. If you listened to episode six of the Make More Love show, we talked about how you can rebuild passionate energy into your relationship. If you missed it, you can always circle back later and listen. If you want to build your passionate relationship energy, you'll want to avoid making every date feel like a bid for sex. Some dates should be about connecting, about feeling good about giving back, about deepening your understanding of each other. Those are the feelings that build upon themselves to refuel the passion. Furthermore, when you incorporate specific emotional elements into your dates it will help the relationship energy flow more freely. Next, let's talk about the top five emotional elements, and I will give you tips for how to pull those elements into the dating experience. The first emotional element is Fire. Turn up the sexual tension by subtly conveying your desire through eye contact, through your movements through small touches. You can include things like scents. foods, music, lighting and locations, all things that trigger the sensual side of your partner.... Things, you know, that they like. Number two is Intensity. Concentrate on your partner... their laugh, their breath, the way they're moving. Tune into what they're feeling and let your empathic side do the driving. You can amp up the intensity by things like just looking into your partner's eyes for longer than usual. Stand a little closer. Kiss and hug for longer. Don't be the first one to release from the embrace. Hot Tip: Romance novels are like an instruction manual for creating intensity. If you've never read one, what are you waiting for? Element number three is Immersion. Create a "love bubble" where it's just you two and everything else fades into the background. The obvious way to do this is to turn off all your devices during your date but that really isn't optional. Just do it! Now a great approach to immersion is to plan an activity or something that requires teamwork and attention. Build something, make something, cook something, plant something, and lose yourselves together in that activity. Let's move on to number four, which is Resonance. Our partner wants to feel seen, heard, understood, and accepted for their whole self. Whereas intensity is concentrating on your partner in the moment, Resonance is for concentrating on them in the big picture. The best way to make your partner feel seen, heard and known is to listen to them, notice them and be curious about them. Ask deeper questions about them and then remember their answers. Also give them some indication that you've been paying attention to what they've said before by incorporating things they've told you in the past into your date or not forgetting things that they've told you. That is very important for people to feel like they have been seen and heard. It's got to last over time. Okay. The last one, number five is Harmony. Sync up with your partner so you get into a flow state and create interplay. One way you can do this is to try mirroring your partner's, body language. Observe and subtly copy the way your partner is sitting or standing, how they hold themselves, when they tilt their head, what gestures do they make? Match the tone and volume of their voice. You only need to do this for a few minutes during your interaction and you'll create a very powerful synergy so give that a try. All right. That's all five of them, but if it all sounds a little hard and complicated, Let me boil it down to two simple things.: Number one is to think back to what you did in the beginning of your relationship to win your partner over and how that felt. Number two is just pay attention. When you incorporate at least some of these elements into your date, you can deepen your bond and reignite the passionate relationship energy that brings more excitement to your love life. So, now that you understand the elements that set the mood and you have some starting ideas, let's get into the actual planning of the date. When you think of a date, what do you automatically think of? Dinner out? A movie? These are great, but there are a lot of different kinds of dates, and I'm going to walk you through seven types of dates and give you a few ideas for each of those. Each of the seven is like a formula and you plug in the variables to amplify the vibe that you want to have in the date. That way you can plan a date that perfectly fits your desires, your partner's personality, and the mood that you want to create. You can mix it up among the first six types that I'm going to lay out for you. The seventh date type is for special circumstances, and we'll get into that in a bit. So here are the seven date types: #1: Romantic Date. These are your go-to dress up a little bit kind of nights with candlelit dinners, dancing, celebrating anything from promotions to national chocolate day, and yes, those dates can be fun and turn up the heat. They're perfect for when you're up for a night out and about. #2: Relaxed Date. Don't underestimate these. Chillin with takeout and a movie or a series that you can binge together is a great way to connect. It's not the time for the Chernobyl documentary though, so pick your shows wisely. One thing, though, if you tend to fall asleep watching TV, then for fudge sake, take a nap beforehand. If my husband falls asleep while we're watching TV together, I take that as a personal affront, and he's getting a punch in the side. And if you fall asleep every time you stop moving, then it's time for you to head to the doc for a sleep study. Sleep apnea is a killer. Another relaxed kind of date is to head out to the actual movie theater for popcorn and sneaky kisses. But pay attention to the seating cuz movie seats aren't nearly as close together as they used to be. Another one is to cook dinner or make dessert together. Leave the dishes until morning, but don't leave them for your partner to do. That would be in poor taste. Another one is to pull out some old albums and listen to records and maybe even dance. In these ways you can create a romantic date night without heading too far out of your comfort zone. But don't make every date a chill one unless you've got something really special that you're working through, like a special series or something, because otherwise it just gets boring. 3: Reminiscing Date. If you are looking for Resonance with your partner, it's hard to do better than a nostalgic evening. Visit some of their childhood favorite places or activities. Take in your local high school football game. Revisit your first date location, or even recreate your entire first date together. #4: Recreational Date. Get moving with these dates. Go hiking, hit the beach, go biking, snap some photos, go dancing, explore a city, play some sports, check out the art and music scene in your town... even a spontaneous road trip counts. Physical activity, as long as it's not exhausting, is also a great way to fire up sexual desire. #5: Reaching Out Date. People feel good when they give back. If you and your partner enjoy giving back to your community, then a reaching out date is a date that makes a difference. You can do some volunteer work together, join some community events, start a project for a cause you both believe in. Reaching out dates are perfect for bringing on that "Together We Are Unstoppable" vibe. #6: Risk Taking Date. If you're both adventure seekers then you know how great these dates can be. Dive into something new, explore uncharted territory, take a trip, tackle a new hobby. These risk-taking dates tend to generate a little bit of adrenaline. They build your bond and they build trust, and that in turn turns up the heat in your relationship Here's a Pro Tip: try a Surrender Date, where one partner plans the whole date and the other partner agrees to try whatever the plan is. And then the next date you switch off. See what that generates. So, those are the six main date types, and this brings us to 7: Reconciliation Date. As I mentioned in the beginning, this date type is for special circumstances. Use it when you are fresh off of a disagreement, if you've had a falling out, or when you're getting over something bad that's happened. These dates need to give a lot of space to each partner. It's a good idea to plan something you can do side by side, rather than face to face. A long walk in nature is a good example, BUT not a car ride! We all know what happens when we're sitting in a car together for hours at a time. We don't want that Go to a concert in the park, a trip to like a quieter jazz blues club where you get to sit next to each other and just vibe to the music. A good comedy show is a really unexpectedly good reconciliation date, because laughing together is a healing experience. Think of a reconciliation dates as a strategic dance to get closer again. The point is to reconnect in small ways that build up to that full reconciliation. While you shouldn't expect makeup sex, it could happen. In the best possible world these dates could bring you closer together than you were even before the problem happened. And that wraps up the seven date types. You can mix and match these ideas to keep your date nights exciting and new, guarding against routine because you've probably heard me say this by now: Routine is a known killer of passion! All right. Let's land this plane with a three-step action plan: 1: Start with intentional planning. Let's call it dating on purpose. Decide what mood you want to set for your date and what that vibe should be. 2: Incorporate at least some of the five emotional elements into your date: fire, intensity, immersion, resonance, and harmony. Direct your attention to what you're trying to accomplish. 3: Change up your date nights to keep refueling the fire. Vary the experience among romantic, relaxed, reminiscing, recreational, and risk-taking dates. Save the reconciliation dates for when you need to repair the relationship. If you follow these three steps, even if you only do it once a month, you will master your date nights and make a massive difference in the quality of your romantic time, revitalizing and deepening your connection and creating a partnership you'll both want to stay in forever. Alright. I hope today's episode got you thinking. But you know, we can only do so much in an open forum like this. If you want to look at your specific situation, book in that free Relationship Reset Call. We'll figure out the next best move and set you on a path to a better relationship for both you and your partner. Again, you can just head over to relationshipresetcall. com and pick a time. You can also join our Passionate Partners Insider Community on Facebook. There's exclusive content and resources there. Or, visit our website or our social channels to learn more about our programs, workshops, and private coaching options. All the links to everything I mentioned plus my personal email are in the show notes. I'll be here whenever you're ready. Now I've got a quick request. I'd really appreciate your help spreading the word about Make More Love. First, if you haven't done it already, hit follow or subscribe on your favorite platform. It helps more people find the show and it also keeps you in the loop. Second, leaving a review would mean the world. It helps us grow our community and reach more people. And finally, if you know someone who is struggling in their relationship, then share the show with them. You might just change their life. Thank you so much for spreading the word. I believe you had good reasons for choosing your partner. My mission is to help you reconnect with those reasons and discover new ways to Make More Love in your life and with your wife. I'm Ellen Dorian and that's what I've got for you today.