45: The Truth About Happiness in Relationships

Ellen Dorian:
00:00:00

Welcome back to Make More Love. In this show, we share real strategies that help high performing men build passionate intimate relationships and live fulfilling lives. I'm your host Ellen Dorian. I'm both a relationship coach and a business coach, so I know how to handle all the crap that comes up when you're working to be the best at everything. So let's get into it. Today we're kicking off a new series on happiness, what it actually is, why it matters, and how it plays into having a fulfilling, passionate relationship. A few weeks ago, I was talking with a client about this and what he said totally cracked me up. He said, what can I say about happiness? I'm thrilled to be working 14 hour days, being the go to guy for every decision in my business, even though I'm paying other people good money to make those decisions. I love spending my weekends fixing crap around the house. I've got three daughters and a wife, so digging hair and soap scum out of the tub drains is the best part of my week. All I have to do is make my wife and kids happy, and that's how I get to be happy, right? Why would I need to do anything else for my own enjoyment when I'm already living the dream? Yeah, I think I touched a nerve. But honestly, I see this everywhere. There's a happiness crisis going on. Especially among men. As a society, we have cut men off from experiencing emotion and then we don't appreciate why they're so driven by external measures of success. We need to talk about personal happiness, because it's a crucial ingredient in a fulfilling intimate relationship. It's like yeast for bread. Without it, the whole thing just falls flat. What got me thinking about this whole topic is something I heard on Mel Robbins podcast. She was talking about happiness and said something that really stuck with me. You can't make someone else happy. The only emotions you control are your own. And she's a hundred percent right. And then I was talking to my husband about this and he pointed out, yes, you can't make somebody happy, but you actually can make someone miserable. And he's right about that too. We've both been married before, so we've seen this play out. You can destroy someone's mood, but you can't create their happiness for them. So many people go through life thinking their job is to make everyone else happy. Their spouses, kids, parents, friends, employers, employees, everyone but themselves. But happiness isn't something you can delegate. And that brings me to one of the biggest myths out there. One that keeps a lot of men stuck in broken situations. And that myth is Happy wife, happy life. You've heard it, maybe you've even said it. I get why it sounds good. It makes relationships seem simple, like a formula for success. It's too bad that it's bullshit. Where does this idea even come from? A 2014 study from Rutgers University was published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, and that study found that if a wife is unhappy in the relationship, the marriage is likely to fail. but a man being unhappy doesn't necessarily lead to marital failure. A lot of people misread this study and assume that it means a man's happiness doesn't matter, which is not even close to true. The truth is men and women process happiness and unhappiness differently. Men are conditioned to compartmentalize. So if they're unhappy in their relationship, they throw themselves into other things, work or hobbies or something else that brings them satisfaction Women, on the other hand, tend to connect their emotional well being to the relationship itself. So, if they are unhappy, the whole marriage is at risk. Many men get blindsided by divorce for this reason, because they think that happiness in the relationship isn't crucial to staying together, especially when it's weighted against all of the other factors that would come into play if the relationship was to end. That's what happened to my client, JQ. JQ bought into happy wife, happy life 100%. When he and his wife first got married, they were building a life together. They both worked hard, saved up, bought a small house in a nice town, and they were happy. But then, his business took off, and suddenly his wife wanted more. She wanted a house, a much bigger house in the best neighborhood, a fancy car, a stay at home lifestyle, luxury trips, and a second home, and more time to pursue her passions and personal interests. And JQ gave her everything she asked for. He was proud to provide for her in the lifestyle that she wanted because he thought that's what a good husband does. He thought if he made her happy, they would both be happy. But the problem was that the things that made her happy didn't make him happy. He was working longer hours, putting himself under more and more pressure, just to keep up with the life that she wanted, and none of it was making him feel fulfilled. For years, he never questioned it because he was so caught up in that myth, until a major health crisis forced him to make some radical changes And that's when his marriage fell apart. J. Q. 's mistake wasn't buying the house or giving his wife the lifestyle she wanted. His mistake was thinking that his happiness would automatically follow hers. And then it didn't. We're going to continue this conversation right after this message. A lot of you've been asking what happens when you work with me. Let me break that down for you. We don't just sit around talking and I don't just dish out advice. I work from a place of logic and strategies and solutions, because I believe the same strategies that solve business problems can be applied to relationships. So, you and I will team up to get a clear picture of what's really going on in your relationship. Then we'll pinpoint the top priorities to work on. We lay out a strategic plan to target the things that will actually make a difference. And then I'm right there with you, supporting you as circumstances change and helping you stay focused on what's important. You'll build new skills and strategies to get out of the rut and create the passionate partnership you crave. So if you're stuck in a loveless limbo, why would you want to stay there? Your first step out is easy. Set up a relationship reset call with me. It's free. It's quick. Just 15 minutes. Just you and me. You'll bring me up to speed. I'll let you know if I think I can help. And if not, I'll tell you that too. We'll work out one or two action steps to get you moving forward right away. And after that, if you want more help I'll let you know how to get it. Let's be honest. You already know what's at stake here. If you let your relationship fall apart, the cost to your financial, social, and emotional well being is ginormous. It's going to leave a permanent dent in your armor. So, let's not let that happen. Head over to relationshipresetcall.com And grab a spot. Let's get you back on track to make more love in your life and with your wife. And, we're back. So why do so many men struggle to understand what would even make them happy? I think it's because men are conditioned to think about happiness the wrong way. Most men are taught that happiness is something you achieve through success, approval, and providing for others. But this is passive unhappiness. It relies on external factors to provide fulfillment, and it's a trap. This is where the Hungarian psychologist, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi comes in. That's his real name. He found that people are happiest when they are fully engaged in an activity that challenges them, absorbs them, and gives them a sense of mastery. That's what he called flow. The feeling of being completely in the zone when time disappears because you're immersed and your brain is firing on all cylinders. Flow is the state of being happy. And that flow works for relationships too. A fulfilling relationship isn't passive. It happens when both partners are engaged, and bringing all their energy into it. And that's the basis for what I call the relationship multiplier effect. When it comes to relationship fulfillment, the reality is a happy wife cannot guarantee that you will have a happy life. But there is something that I am confident about. And that is that happier men tend to have happier wives. When you are fulfilled, energized, and emotionally engaged, your presence changes everything. And that is what the relationship multiplier effect is about. Here are three key aspects of the relationship multiplier effect. The first one is about the emotional contagion. Happiness spreads and so does misery. Humans are wired for emotional reciprocity. We naturally mirror the emotions of the people around us. So when you show up happy, confident, and engaged, Your partner feels that energy and responds in kind. If you show up frustrated, drained, and resentful, the same thing's going to happen, just in the wrong direction. The second one is about confidence and attraction. Confidence is magnetic. and makes you more desirable. When you're happy, and engaged in your life, you naturally become more physically, emotionally, and intellectually attractive. Also when you are emotionally fulfilled, you don't demand validation from your partner. You bring positivity and strength into the relationship, as opposed to taking it out. And the third thing is energy and attentiveness. Attentiveness fuels connection. Connection fuels happiness, happiness fuels energy, and it all goes around in a circle. So when you're burned out and exhausted, you withdraw and cut off the supply of energy. But when you're fulfilled and energized that makes your partner want to match your energy Think about it. When you are excited about life You're more present with your wife. When you're confident in yourself You naturally create a space where she feels safe and confident in you When you bring passion and energy to the relationship, it gets reflected back to you Whatever you bring in gets amplified So, here's the big question. What makes you happy? If you don't have an answer, you're not alone. A lot of men don't. And that is what we're going to tackle next time. So if this episode got you wondering about what makes you happy, next week you're going to find that you're exactly where you need to be to get some answers. Alright. I hope today's episode got you thinking. But you know, we can only do so much in an open forum like this. If you want to look at your specific situation, book in that free Relationship Reset Call. We'll figure out the next best move and set you on a path to a better relationship for both you and your partner. Again, you can just head over to relationshipresetcall. com and pick a time. You can also join our Passionate Partners Insider Community on Facebook. There's exclusive content and resources there. Or, visit our website or our social channels to learn more about our programs, workshops, and private coaching options. All the links to everything I mentioned plus my personal email are in the show notes. I'll be here whenever you're ready. Now I've got a quick request. I'd really appreciate your help spreading the word about Make More Love. First, if you haven't done it already, hit follow or subscribe on your favorite platform. It helps more people find the show and it also keeps you in the loop. Second, leaving a review would mean the world. It helps us grow our community and reach more people. And finally, if you know someone who is struggling in their relationship, then share the show with them. You might just change their life. Thank you so much for spreading the word. I believe you had good reasons for choosing your partner. My mission is to help you reconnect with those reasons and discover new ways to Make More Love in your life and with your wife. I'm Ellen Dorian and that's what I've got for you today.