46: Happiness or Resentment: What’s Fueling Your Relationship?

Ellen Dorian:00:00:00

Welcome back to Make More Love. In this show, we share real strategies that help high performing men build passionate intimate relationships and live fulfilling lives. I'm your host Ellen Dorian. I'm both a relationship coach and a business coach, so I know how to handle all the crap that comes up when you're working to be the best at everything. So let's get into it. Today I want to pick up where I left off with the Relationship Multiplier Effect of Happiness. Happiness isn't just a personal experience, it's a relational force. When you feel happy, you naturally bring more joy, energy, and attraction to your relationship. That creates a virtuous cycle where your happiness makes your partner happier, which makes the relationship stronger, which makes you happier, and so on. After all, you got into a relationship because you thought it was going to make you happy. In fact, that's why most men are driven to be in a relationship. It has to be something deep, right? Because, as I mentioned in the last episode, if you only look at it logically, marriage isn't that great of a deal. So why do it? When you strip everything else away, human beings move toward pleasure and away from pain, and most of us want connectedness and to avoid isolation. This is called the Relationship Drive Matrix, and I talked about it in detail in Make More Love Episode 3, so way back there. If you haven't listened to that one, you can head over there later and check it out. Ideally, a relationship gives you both pleasure and connectedness. But when it doesn't, how do we begin to understand why and get back on track? We're going to get into that in a moment. But first, I want to share something a lot of you've been asking about. What happens when you work with me? Let me break that down for you. We don't just sit around talking and I don't just dish out advice. I work from a place of logic and strategies and solutions, because I believe the same strategies that solve business problems can be applied to relationships. So, you and I will team up to get a clear picture of what's really going on in your relationship. Then we'll pinpoint the top priorities to work on. We lay out a strategic plan to target the things that will actually make a difference. And then I'm right there with you, supporting you as circumstances change and helping you stay focused on what's important. You'll build new skills and strategies to get out of the rut and create the passionate partnership you crave. So if you're stuck in a loveless limbo, why would you want to stay there? Your first step out is easy. Set up a relationship reset call with me. It's free. It's quick. Just 15 minutes. Just you and me. You'll bring me up to speed. I'll let you know if I think I can help. And if not, I'll tell you that too. We'll work out one or two action steps to get you moving forward right away. And after that, if you want more help I'll let you know how to get it. Let's be honest. You already know what's at stake here. If you let your relationship fall apart, the cost to your financial, social, and emotional well being is ginormous. It's going to leave a permanent dent in your armor. So, let's not let that happen. Head over to relationshipresetcall.com And grab a spot. Let's get you back on track to make more love in your life and with your wife. And we're back. So why do so many successful, hardworking, high achieving men, who have checked every box of what should make them happy still feel, well, nothing? Of course, there are countless reasons why happiness can be hard to come by, but I want to focus on three major obstacles that specifically impact men. Number one: Men get taught that happiness comes from achievement, not from internal resources. From an early age, men are conditioned to believe that happiness is a byproduct of success. Work hard. Make money. Build something valuable. Get the girl and the stuff. And if you do all of that, then you are rewarded with happiness. Right? Except... we all know men who've achieved everything they set out to do. They've built the business. They've made the money. They've checked every box of success. But they wake up one day and realize that none of it has actually made them happy. The problem is that achievement is not the same as fulfillment. And when men chase external markers of success expecting them to produce internal happiness, well, that's just not logical. And that brings us to problem Number Two: Even if you are able to overcome this achievement-oriented approach, you still have to contend with the reality that men have been taught generally to suppress emotion. If you're over 40, you were almost certainly raised with the message that real men keep their emotions to themselves. And even if you're under 40, you probably still had role models, fathers, grandfathers, coaches, and other male influencers who modeled that kind of emotional restraint. And here's why that's a problem. If you aren't used to feeling your emotions, how can you even recognize happiness when it happens? As a result, men tend to gravitate toward more acceptable emotions. There are a few emotions that men have traditionally been allowed to express without social pushback 1) Anger, because anger seems to be seen as strength. 2) Pride, but only when it's tied to external accomplishments. 3) Confidence, but only if it's quiet and controlled. Those are the rules. Now notice anything missing from that list, like joy or happiness? And that leads us straight into Problem Number Three: There is a weird social resistance to expressing happiness in our society. Men who express too much happiness face an odd kind of pushback. If a guy is too excited, he gets the side eye. If he expresses too much enthusiasm, people tell him to calm down. If he's openly joyful, some people will resent him for it. Men are told they should be happy, but then they're discouraged from actually expressing it, except in specific contexts. You mostly see it when it's been earned, like when athletes win a championship or a business owner gets a big deal or when dads are playing with their kids because those are all in some acceptable context. A lot of this just comes down to how deeply ingrained stoicism still is in our culture. We're going to get into this point in more detail in a minute or two when we introduce the Relationship Energy Spectrum. But before we move on to that, I'd like to tell you a story about my uncle Joe. And it's a story a lot of people might relate to. Uncle Joe was my dad's older brother. He was actually 13 years older. And my dad looked up to him like he was a hero. Frankly, I could never figure out why, because to me, Uncle Joe was just angry. On the surface, he had everything. He was a real-life World War II hero. He fought in the Battle of the Bulge. After the war, he landed a cushy desk job, worked his way up, made great money, and retired comfortably. He had a doting French Armenian wife who could cook like nobody's business, and two beautiful daughters, a nice house. No obvious reason to be miserable. And yet every night, he sat in his recliner, drinking too much scotch, yelling at the TV, and barking at anyone who got too close. He wasn't just grumpy, he was scary, at least when I was a kid. He never had a good thing to say about anyone, or anything, especially the Red Sox. But you can't exactly blame him for that. But outside of the Red Sox, I don't know why Uncle Joe was so angry. Because, of course, he would never talk about it. But, looking back, I just think he was stuck. I don't think he ever really thought about being happy. He just did what was expected of him. He went to war, he got a job, he made money, took care of his wife and kids, he checked every box on the list of what a man was supposed to do. But as far as what would have made him happy, I couldn't tell you. And probably neither could he. And that's the problem. When you don't know what being happy feels like, frustration and resentment will fill the void. So, like a lot of men, he defaulted to anger. It was easier to lash out than to admit that something was missing. But I don't want that for you, and I don't think it has to be that way. If you have a way to organize and visualize what happiness actually looks like for you, you can start figuring out how to create it for yourself. And a big part of that is recognizing how your emotional state shapes your relationship. Allow me to put it this way. Imagine trying to have sex in a full suit of armor. technically, you might be able to pull it off, but it's not going to be a great experience for either one of you. That armor has a purpose in other contexts, but it's a real problem for getting laid. And that's exactly what happens emotionally. The energy you bring into your relationship shapes everything. Anger, frustration and resentment feel like armor. They make you feel in control and protected and untouchable. But they also keep you from experiencing pleasure and connection and ultimately happiness. That's why I want to introduce you to the Relationship Energy Spectrum. It's a way to understand how you're showing up emotionally in your relationship. And most importantly, it helps you see what you can do to shift toward the kind of relationship you actually want. You know, in business, there's a saying, "You can't change what you don't measure." That's how I want you to think about this. Take an honest look at where you land on the spectrum of emotional engagement in your relationship. That's where the relationship energy spectrum comes in, so let's map it out. Imagine a four quadrant model. It's built on two factors. One is Engagement: how much effort, presence, and intention you're putting in. And two is Energy Quality: whether that energy is positive or negative. Cross these two factors and you get four distinct Relationship Energy states. We all shift between them, but where you spend the most time is what matters. The four relationship energy states in this model are: Number One: The Flow State, which is engaged positive energy. This is ideal. You're present, you're putting in effort, you're getting real fulfillment in return, conversations feel natural, intimacy is strong, and even when challenges come up, you work through them as a team. Number Two: Battle Stations. Also engaged, but engaged negative energy. Everything's a fight. Conversations turn into arguments, small disagreements escalate, and resentment builds. Now the good news here is that you still care. The bad news is the way you're engaging is fueling conflict instead of connection. Now we're moving to the disengaged side. The Third State is the Comfort Zone. That's disengaged positive energy. This is where things are fine, but maybe too routine and a little stagnant. There's no major conflict, but there's also not a whole lot of passion or growth. You get along and you function as a team, but there's no spark. It's comfortable, which is why so many people stay there. But comfort isn't the same as fulfillment. And the Fourth State is something you've heard me talk about before, and that is Loveless Limbo. This is a high risk zone. You're not putting in effort and there's no positive energy to balance that out. Conversations are minimal Interactions are transactional and emotional intimacy fades, if you ever had it at all. And, while some couples do stay this way for years, decades even, the reality is that this stage almost always either leads to a divorce or some kind of long-term separate but equal arrangement So how does happiness dictate where you land in the Relationship Energy Spectrum? Your personal happiness is the key factor that determines whether you spend more time in Flow State or in Loveless Limbo. Flow state happens when you bring enthusiasm and presence and energy because you actually have it to give. Battle Stations happens when you're engaged but carrying frustration and resentment. The Comfort Zone is where you land when you're coasting. And Loveless Limbo is what happens when disengagement and negativity take over Now here's what I want you to think about. Which one of these states feels most familiar to you right now? You've probably spent time in each of these states, and that's normal because relationships aren't static. But if you're mostly in Flow State, your relationship is good. And if you're mostly in Loveless Limbo, you're pretty much suffering the death of a thousand cuts. Whatever is happening in your relationship starts with you, or at least it can, if you are willing to be the catalyst for change. Because your personal happiness is the fuel for real engagement, deep connection, and lasting passion. So I'm gonna leave you with this. Over the next few days, pay attention to how you're showing up in the relationship. Are you engaged or disengaged, and positively or negatively? No judgment here. Just notice where you are because the first step to shifting anything is to see it clearly. In the next episode, I'm going to walk you through five core principles of happiness that you can implement in your life and that will actually create lasting fulfillment. We're also going to talk about how your physical, mental, and emotional vitality play a role in sustaining it. So you won't want to miss that. Alright. I hope today's episode got you thinking. But you know, we can only do so much in an open forum like this. If you're struggling to find happiness, don't just sit there in the dark. Book in that free Relationship Reset Call. We'll figure out the next best move and set you on a better path. You can just head over to relationshipresetcall.com and pick a time. You can also join our Passionate Partners Insider Community on Facebook. There's exclusive content and resources there. Or, visit our website or our social channels to learn more about our programs, workshops, and private coaching options. All the links to everything I mentioned plus my personal email are in the show notes. I'll be here whenever you're ready. Now I've got a quick request. I'd really appreciate your help spreading the word about Make More Love. First, if you haven't done it already, hit follow or subscribe on your favorite platform. It helps more people find the show and it also keeps you in the loop. Second, leaving a review would mean the world. It helps us grow our community and reach more people. And finally, if you know someone who is struggling in their relationship, then share the show with them. You might just change their life. Thank you so much for spreading the word. I believe you had good reasons for choosing your partner. My mission is to help you reconnect with those reasons and discover new ways to Make More Love in your life and with your wife. I'm Ellen Dorian and that's what I've got for you today.