47: Stop Searching for Happiness & Start Making It: Five No-BS Strategies

Ellen Dorian:00:00:01

Welcome back to Make More Love. In this show, we share real strategies that help high performing men build passionate intimate relationships and live fulfilling lives. I'm your host Ellen Dorian. I'm both a relationship coach and a business coach, so I know how to handle all the crap that comes up when you're working to be the best at everything. So let's get into it. Today's the final episode in our series on happiness. And, by now I hope you're seeing that happiness directly impacts every part of your life, including your relationship. Let's recap what we've covered so far. In part one, we broke down why your personal happiness is the single best factor in whether your relationship grows or stagnates. And, we dismantled the Happy Wife-Happy Life myth, because let's be honest, living for someone else's happiness doesn't work for anyone. Then in part two, we looked at cultural barriers and social conditioning that get in the way of you experiencing the happiness you deserve. We also covered the false correlation between achievement and happiness. And I introduced you to the Relationship Energy Spectrum, to help you measure how engaged you really are in your relationship. If you haven't listened to those episodes yet, I recommend checking them out. So here's today's question: How do you actually get happier? I promise to keep the BS to a minimum, so we're going to skip the meditation exercises, the gratitude practices, and the "power of positive thinking," except ...there may be a tiny bit of journaling as Your Personal Happiness SITREP or situation report. I'm going to walk you through five fresh, no-BS strategies that will actually increase your happiness But first, I have an update for you from last week's episode. I was listening to the Diary of a CEO podcast and Jay Shetty was on. He was talking about flow state theory, how happiness comes from being fully engaged in what you're doing. Jay talked about why people need challenges. We need to test our skills, push our limits, and prove to ourselves what we're capable of. That's what keeps life engaging. But there is a balance. Too much challenge without the right skills leads to frustration, and too little leads to boredom. It occurred to me that the Relationship Energy Spectrum we talked about last week has a lot of synergy with flow state theory. So let's map these two ideas together and see how they align. First up, there's Flow, which is an engaged positive state. This maps directly to optimal engagement in flow state theory. It's when challenge and skill are in balance. Next is Battle Stations. That's an engaged negative state. This happens when the challenge you're facing exceeds your current skill level, leading to stress, frustration, and conflict. Then we have the Comfort Zone, which is a disengaged positive state. This happens when your skill level is too high for the challenge. Making everything too easy and predictable. And finally, there's Loveless Limbo. A disengaged negative state. This is a complete lack of flow. There's no challenge and no skills being tested. When you look at relationships through this lens, it becomes much more obvious where the weak spots are, but without this perspective, people can get blindsided. I see this all the time with business owners. They think everything in their relationship is fine. No major fights, no obvious issues, and life just moves along. Then out of nowhere, their partner drops the bomb: "I'm not happy and I don't want to do this anymore." And they are completely blindsided. They've been living in the Comfort Zone, but their partner isn't that comfortable. Because, while the business owner has been focused on running the business, their partner's been carrying the weight of everything else. And by the time they say something, they're already halfway out the door. That's why so many business owners tell me they had no idea their partner was unhappy enough to consider leaving. They took the lack of conflict for a sign that things were good, but that wasn't the reality. Now, in terms of challenges and skills What is your gut telling you? Should you be seeking out new challenges to stimulate more connection? Or, should you be focusing on enhancing your skills to better address the challenges you're facing? We're going to continue this conversation in a minute, but first I want to talk about something a lot of you've been asking about. What happens when you work with me? Let me break that down for you. We don't just sit around talking and I don't just dish out advice. I work from a place of logic and strategies and solutions, because I believe the same strategies that solve business problems can be applied to relationships. So, you and I will team up to get a clear picture of what's really going on in your relationship. Then we'll pinpoint the top priorities to work on. We lay out a strategic plan to target the things that will actually make a difference. And then I'm right there with you, supporting you as circumstances change and helping you stay focused on what's important. Your first step is easy. Set up a Relationship Reset Call with me. It's free. It's quick. Just 15 minutes. Just you and me. You'll bring me up to speed. I'll let you know if I think I can help. And if not, I'll tell you that too. We'll work out one or two action steps, and after that, if you want more help I'll let you know how to get it. Head over to relationshipresetcall.com And grab a spot. Let's get you back on track to make more love in your life and with your wife. And we're back. Let's bring the focus back to you, because a better relationship starts with a happier, more fulfilled version of you. I'm going to let you in on a secret: Happiness isn't something you can find. You have to make it! And that's what these five no BS strategies are for. So let me walk you through them. Number one is to Shift from Goal-driven to Impact-driven Fulfillment. A lot of men are trapped in the achievement-happiness loop. You set a goal, you go all in to achieve it, and you expect to feel happy once you reach it. And maybe you do for a bit. But then the adrenaline taps out and you feel that inevitable drop. So, you set your sights on the next achievement, hoping this one will finally be enough. Only, it never is. And there's a reason for that. Your brain is wired to adapt to success. It's called hedonic adaptation. Where you quickly return to a baseline level of happiness no matter what milestone you hit. That's why so many high achievers find themselves asking, "Is that all there is?" So what do we do instead? We create. Dr. Gad Saad, an expert in evolutionary psychology, says that creativity is one of the most powerful drivers of happiness. People who build, innovate, and create through ideas, relationships, or meaningful work experience deeper fulfillment. And we should also talk about legacy. Money isn't a legacy. the Impact you have, the experiences you create and the relationships you nurture are the true legacy. So, instead of setting goals like I want to make 10 million, ask yourself, what can I create that will be deeply satisfying and make an impact? Think like an artist, not a trophy collector. Number Two is Change your Currency from Money to Time. Once you quit seeking happiness through achievement, you need a new way to measure what truly matters. And if happiness is the goal, then the most valuable resource isn't money, it's time. Time and money are both things that we spend, but only one is irreplaceable. It's unsettling to think of time as a precious commodity because it forces us to look at our own mortality. But let me walk you through an exercise I once heard from a personal development guru. I wish I could remember who. If you know, let me know. Okay, grab a sheet of graph paper. Outline a 10 square by 10 square section. That's 100 squares. Let's say that represents a very generous lifespan of 100 years. Now color in one square for every year you've already lived. Now, look at what's left. But we're not really done yet because realistically the last 10 years aren't likely to be your best most active years, so shade in those last 10. Now, you are looking at the best years of your life, right there on paper. Suddenly measuring value in terms of time makes a whole lot more sense. I want to give you an example that I think will make this all clear. Let's talk about golf. Anyone who plays golf knows it's not cheap. Even a decent weekend golfer, not extravagant, just someone who plays regularly and takes it seriously, is probably spending $10K to 15K a year. That's my guess, but if you're a golfer, you can run the numbers yourself. But the other thing is that golf takes time. And if you never have time to actually go golfing, did your money really go to good use? And for that matter, did your time? Because, no sane person would spend $10 15k on something that didn't make them happy. So, if you're not playing, what were you doing instead? Was it something that actually made you happy? The Third One is Cut the Bottom 10%. You know, for an episode about making happiness, we've covered a lot of hard stuff. We've confronted our mortality, we've examined our excessive golf spending, and now this. It's brutal, but it will transform your life. I learned it from my friend and mentor, Leo Casey, whom I've known for 30 years. Leo is a brilliant financial strategist and a fractional CFO. Every year, Leo takes his clients through the process of cutting the least valuable 10 percent of their expenses: their materials, employees, projects, anything that isn't truly serving the business. The result is a leaner, more efficient and more profitable company. And guess what? You can do the same thing in your life. Take a hard look at the bottom 10 percent of your reality. The things that drain you, waste your time, or add zero value. I'll give you some ideas where to start. The cable bill. You pay for 200 channels and you watch 4. How about the obligations you resent, you know, the stuff you hate doing, but you feel bound to keep doing? Or the people who drain you? You would know exactly who I'm talking about. And the overall time wasters, low value tasks or other distractions and habits that don't actually add value to your life and may even take value away. And if you're thinking your marriage belongs in the bottom ten percent, hang on, we're going to get to that. So what are you going to do with this bottom ten percent? Here are four actions you can consider: Number One is Dump It. And yes, this includes people. If you're investing all this effort into making happiness, don't let anyone else steal it away from you. Number Two is Delegate It. Can someone else own this task instead of you? A lot of time wasters for you are productive responsibilities for someone else. So, if you spend hours fixing stuff, for instance, well then hire a handyman. Get someone to cut the grass or weed the garden. Hell, I don't want to do the golf exercise with an oil change, but you know I could. Number Three is Relegate It, like in soccer. Move it down in its priority. Does it really need as much of your time and energy as it's taking? And Number Four is Rehabilitate It. And this is key. If you choose to repair it, you're moving it from the bottom 10 percent to the top 10 percent, at least for a while because you're going to to put time and attention on it. So, make sure it has the potential to contribute to your happiness. Now, if your marriage was on your list, then this is where it belongs. You deserve a top 10 percent marriage and so does your partner. That's worth investing in. And if you need my help, you know where to find me. There's a few more rules to this 10 percent thing. First, don't make unilateral decisions on joint commitments. Some things are your decision, but others require agreement. And the other one is, just 10 percent doesn't mean it's in everyone's. One of my clients really does not enjoy his family dog. And if it were up to him, he'd re home this thing in a heartbeat. His wife? No way. To her, the dog is non negotiable. So, if happiness is the goal, Don't create unnecessary suffering. Find a solution that doesn't set the house on fire. If you're not clear about this, then go set up that Relationship Reset Call with me and we'll figure it out together. Compared to business, life has a lot more gray areas, so you won't always be able to be quite so cut and dried. But just doing this exercise, getting clear on what belongs in the bottom 10 percent will give you perspective and help you stop avoiding what's dragging you down. Number Four is to Reconnect with the Natural World. One of the oldest and tiredest pieces of advice is to get some exercise or move your body or even do some deep breathing. Come on! You already know that. If you wanted to, you would. And besides, your gym membership might be one of the things you just cut out in the bottom 10 percent rule. But I have a different take on it. You are not built to sit inside all day. Your body is designed to be in the elements, to engage with the world around you. Let's be real though, for most guys, the only time they step outside is to walk to their truck. And I'm not just making this up. According to the EPA, The average American spends 93 percent of their life indoors. 87 percent of our time inside buildings and another 6 percent inside cars, and that just leaves 7 percent outdoors. And the less time you spend outside, the worse you actually feel because the human body needs direct contact with the natural world to function at its best. And look, I'm not talking about going full mountain man, like my high school classmate, Adam, who goes on 10 mile hikes with a heavy pack just for fun. Just getting outside even for a few minutes could be a game changer. I'm going to tell you about three things that sound like magical shit, but have real science behind them. The First one is Grounding. Modern life, artificial lighting, Wi Fi, and nonstop screen time disrupt the body's natural electrical balance. The earth has a natural electrical charge. Walking barefoot, standing in the grass, or sitting on the ground puts you in contact with free electrons and recharges your body's electrical system. This will reduce stress and inflammation, stabilize your nervous system, and improve your sleep. The Second one is Forest Bathing. Studies show that being around trees actually lowers Cortisol. That's the stress hormone. The reason this works is simple. Trees release airborne compounds called phytoncides, which trigger a natural calming effect in the body. When you breathe them in, your heart rate slows, your stress levels drop, and your mind gets clearer. The Japanese call this Shirin Yoku, which is where the term forest bathing comes from. But whatever, just get yourself out into the woods. And the Third one is called Halotherapy or Salt Therapy. Salt air is packed with negative ions, tiny charged particles that improve oxygen absorption, boost serotonin and lower stress levels. Salt particles in the air also help clear out mucus, reduce inflammation in your airways, and support lung function so you breathe better. And it also helps regulate melatonin production, which means you sleep deeper and wake up feeling more refreshed without the grogginess that comes when you take those pills. If you can easily get to do any of these things, why not just give it a try? There's no one here but us hippies, and it might be helpful. Now, not everyone lives by the ocean or the woods. And for a lot of people, it's too cold to stand outside barefoot for a lot of the year. So how do we solve that problem? We really do want you to get outside, but we can't let perfect be the enemy of good enough. So, You can simulate some of these effects even if you can't get outside as much as you want to. There are grounding mats and grounding sheets. These have mixed reviews, but you could certainly give them a try. Or, if you can't get to the forest, bringing the right trees inside can still offer air purification and stress reduction. The Areca Palm is NASA-approved as an air purifier. A lemon tree or a Norfolk pine are also great choices. And, simulating salt air is actually one of the easier things. You can get Himalayan pink salt lamps, which use the heat of the light source to release the ions. Or, you can put a block of Himalayan pink salt in your shower and let the steam do that. There are even some spas that offer salt caves and salt rooms. And you know, that could be a pretty good date night. One thing though, if you have high blood pressure or any other serious health problems, you should check with your doctor before you try these alternatives. Even cracking a window and letting the fresh air in is better than nothing. Right? After all, how cold could it get in 10 minutes? Anyway. Get outside. Breathe the air. Feel the sun. Let nature do some of the heavy lifting that's going to make you happier. And Number five is to Make Happiness a Daily Practice. Most people think happiness is something that just happens to you. Like one day you wake up and suddenly feel good about everything. No. Happiness is not a feeling. It's a skill, and you have to learn it and master it. It doesn't have to be hard, it just has to be consistent. The opposite of happiness isn't sadness, it's numbness, and a lot of men are numb because they've spent years Suppressing emotions, powering through, and putting everyone else's needs first. They just don't feel much of anything. If that sounds familiar, you can fix it. You can retrain your brain to recognize happiness again. And here's how we're going to do it. In one minute a day. The One-Minute Happiness SITREP, your personal happiness report, goes like this. At the end of every day, ask yourself these two questions: #1: what made me feel even a little bit happy today? #2: What's one thing I can do tomorrow to get more of that? That's it. Even if all you can come up with is that first sip of coffee, that's fine. What matters is training your brain to recognize contentment and happiness. Over time, this rewires your default state from numbness to awareness. And once you can see what makes you happy, you can start doing more of it on purpose. So there it is. Five no-BS, action-driven strategies to actually increase your happiness. Just real things you could start doing today. And that wraps up our series on happiness. We've covered: Why happiness drives relationship satisfaction What happiness is and why it can be hard to know when you are How to start making happiness for yourself, so you can actually in the long run flow it back into your relationship. I'd love to hear how you get on with some of these strategies. How have your views on happiness changed or been challenged as a result of this series? What did you find most valuable or eye opening? So pop me an email, Ellen@passionatepartnersproject.com. Or, if you're in our Passionate Partners Insider Community Facebook group, or you're connected with me on socials, just let me know there. So, I haven't decided what topics to explore next. Let me know what you'd like to hear more about. If I don't know it, I'll figure it out, and I'll give you credit for it or not, your choice. This show is for you, so let's make it yours. Alright. I hope today's episode got you thinking. But you know, we can only do so much in an open forum like this. If you want to look at your specific situation, book in that free Relationship Reset Call. We'll figure out the next best move and set you on a path to a better relationship for both you and your partner. Again, you can just head over to relationshipresetcall. com and pick a time. You can also join our Passionate Partners Insider Community on Facebook. There's exclusive content and resources there. Or, visit our website or our social channels to learn more about our programs, workshops, and private coaching options. All the links to everything I mentioned plus my personal email are in the show notes. I'll be here whenever you're ready. Now I've got a quick request. I'd really appreciate your help spreading the word about Make More Love. First, if you haven't done it already, hit follow or subscribe on your favorite platform. It helps more people find the show and it also keeps you in the loop. Second, leaving a review would mean the world. It helps us grow our community and reach more people. And finally, if you know someone who is struggling in their relationship, then share the show with them. You might just change their life. Thank you so much for spreading the word. I believe you had good reasons for choosing your partner. My mission is to help you reconnect with those reasons and discover new ways to Make More Love in your life and with your wife. I'm Ellen Dorian and that's what I've got for you today.