48: When the Going Gets Tough-The Tough Go on Vacation

Ellen Dorian:00:00:00

Welcome back to Make More Love. In this show, we share real strategies that help high performing men build passionate intimate relationships and live fulfilling lives. I'm your host Ellen Dorian. I'm both a relationship coach and a business coach, so I know how to handle all the crap that comes up when you're working to be the best at everything. So let's get into it. Hey, so I'm on vacation this week. You might notice that I take quite a few vacations. Actually, I take at least four per year. Some are with my husband, some are with friends, some are by myself. I. And that leads me to the importance of taking time away. Vacation isn't just about sipping cocktails on the beach or catching up on sleep. It's about recharging your energy. It's about renewal in the spiritual sense, it's about perspective and creativity. And it's also about your relationship. Business owners tend to think of time off as a "nice to have," but it really is a "must have," especially if you're used to being the one in charge. Taking a break isn't selfish. It's strategic for your mental health, your performance, your relationship, and your overall satisfaction in life. When you step away from the day to day, even for just a little while, you give your nervous system a chance to reset. You give yourself a little bit of breathing room. This alone makes you a better partner, a better leader, a better parent, a better human being. And it also gives your relationship some room to breathe. And what I mean by that is that you get to take a break from the routines and reactive patterns that build up at home. You're not just coordinating the usual logistics. So there's more space for spontaneity. You might see your partner and yourself for that matter with fresh eyes, and both remember that you like each other. You can reset the emotional tone and bring back some of that ease and fun, and maybe unlock a little bit of the curiosity or playfulness that you might not have seen in a while. This is what I call affinity in the Relationship Hierarchy of Needs, and it doesn't happen on its own in a long-term relationship. It needs to be intentional. Let me say this clearly. Do not wait until you are completely burned out to take a vacation. If you treat time off like a fire extinguisher for overwhelm, you'll always be operating in crisis mode. The best time to step away is before you've hit that wall. That's when the rest does its best work, when it's fueling your creativity and your presence and not just giving into your exhaustion. It happens to everyone though from time to time. My husband and I waited too long for a vacation a couple of years ago. We'd been wanting to go on a big vacation, one that was gonna need some research and planning, but neither of us had time to do that, so we just kept putting it off. Finally, we were both so exhausted and disconnected that in desperation we chose to go on an all-inclusive trip to the Dominican Republic. At first I felt like we'd taken the easy way out. I was almost apologetic about it. But once we got there and settled in, we both became more and more happy with our choice. I came away from that trip wanting to do an all-inclusive vacation every year. Now we haven't exactly done that, but we do now make vacations a much higher priority than we used to. We are gonna continue this conversation in a minute, but first it's time for a reality check. A lot of business owners say they can't take a vacation because the business can't run without them. But here's the thing, your relationship can't run without you either. And when you're home in your usual routine, it's easy to get absorbed by the business. Even when you're technically, you know, off the clock, your mind's still working on it. You're still answering texts. You're always problem solving and plating your next move. But presence is the currency of connection. And if you can't step away long enough to be truly present with the people who matter most in your life, that's a red flag. Not just for your relationship, but for your business too. If your business can't run without you even temporarily, that's not something to ignore. It's an operations issue, a leadership issue, a relationship issue, and ultimately it's a freedom issue. I don't talk about my business coaching much on this show, but this is one of those places where business and relationships intersect in the most crucial of ways, and that intersection is my sweet spot. So if this is sounding familiar to you, let's address it head on. We are gonna need to look at how to design systems, delegate responsibilities, and set your team up for success with the clarity that they need so that you can take real time away. This is a strategic move for the long-term health of your business. If your business can't run without your constant supervision, it's not scalable because you can never grow beyond your own bandwidth. and it's definitely not sellable. If you ever wanna expand, exit, or just have a life outside of work, your business has to function without you making every single decision. Ultimately the goal is to live in a way where your presence has power, where you don't have to choose between building your business and living your life where nothing and no one gets dropped. Your next step is to book a relationship Reset call. I'm saying this because it's quick, it's private, it's free, and it's easy to schedule. Just go to relationship reset call.com and book a time with me. And we're back Now, what counts as a vacation? It's fascinating to me how narrowly people define what constitutes a vacation. People get stuck in a routine for their vacations, and that's not ideal. So I wanna look at some vacation types, each with a different flavor, and see which ones might be the best option for you for your next time away. So I've got a bunch here. So the first one is active vacations. That's your hiking, sailing, skiing, and doing active and exciting things. Then there's the learning vacations. Those are the trips where you're visiting places of historical importance, opportunities to learn about the world. Visit museums, and do all that stuff. The next one is a restorative vacation spa, time retreats, nature, stuff we talked about actually in the last episode about letting your body and mind recover. Now, the all inclusives are great for this and I will never make the mistake of underestimating those again. The next one is Connection vacations where the activities of the vacation center around bringing you together. The next one is solo reboots, and that's just taking space and time for you to reflect and recharge. And these are very important as well. Now I realize that these are tough. If it's hard just to get away from your business, it's even harder to get away from both your business and your relationship to get some time for yourself, but it really is a very important part of being your best for everybody in every aspect of your life. You can also plan it as a creative retreat, where you have no deadlines, just ideas and inspiration, and you work at your own pace for as much time as you want, every day, all day at, et cetera. The next type is a digital detox. Go someplace where you are forced to unplug completely and see what comes back online internally. You're gonna be surprised at how hard it is to let go and then how hard it is to come back to them later on. The next type is a staycation with boundaries. So stay home, but actually take a break from work, to obligations, to chores, to all the other things. And the last one is working vacations. And this is one that I do pretty often because sometimes, what you need isn't a full stop, it's just a change of scenery, weather ...like especially weather. That's why I'm on vacation right now is 'cause in Boston it's winter and here, I'm in the Florida Keys, not winter. So this is where the working vacation comes in. You still work, but you're not buried in your usual environment, and that alone can unlock major breakthroughs. Now, if your partner wants to come with you, that's awesome, but then you have to shift a little and make it into a hybrid vacation. So what I mean by that is work for a set number of hours, then shut down all the tech and actually be present with your partner. Go exploring, eat, connect, touch, laugh, do all the things that you do on a vacation with your partner. You'll just do some work as part of the deal. If your partner doesn't wanna come, if they'd rather opt out, that's valid too. There are a lot of reasons why they might wanna pass. One is just for the quality time home alone. I admit on the rare occasion, my husband travels without me. I revel in that time alone. I stay up late. I eat things he doesn't like to eat. I watch stupid TV he wouldn't be caught dead watching, and I just take time for myself. The second reason is that they might not be comfortable being somewhere they're unfamiliar with when you're not available to be with them. Now, I have some ideas for that coming up in a minute, but let's continue on here. The third reason is they may not wanna spend another trip watching you promise, "just a couple of hours of work" only to see you vanish into your laptop for most of the day. And, if every vacation turns into a hybrid and your partner is tired of it, then that's a relationship issue, not just a scheduling one. So if that's where you are, here are three steps to start restoring their trust. The first step is to own the pattern. Don't argue about how much time you actually worked. Don't get defensive. Just acknowledge the pattern. "You're right. I said I'd unplug and then I didn't. I get why you're frustrated." That's all you need to do to start. Step two is to make a clear agreement. Instead of making vague promises, get specific. "I will work from say, 8AM to 11AM each morning, and after that, I'm all yours" Set it up, stick to it. No exceptions, set alarms and just do it. And the third step is be impeccable with your presence. When it's time to connect, really connect. Turn off all the notifications, no email checks, no distractions or half listening. Show up like you do when something big is on the line, because honestly it is. And one more thing, especially for hybrid vacations. Do your homework and make a plan. If your partner is usually the one who plans your vacations, this is a moment to step up. Because planning a hybrid vacation means more than just booking a hotel. You need to figure out when and where you'll be working, what your partner can do while you're working, without feeling like they're a third wheel or an afterthought, and how you'll transition out of work mode and into fun mode. And in order for that to all work well, you are going to need to be an active driver of the plan. One way to show that you've thought this through is to plan something solo for your partner to do while you're working, something they will actually enjoy and not just so that they can kill time. An obvious one is to book a spa appointment. But you can go way beyond that. You can look for a local experience, a workshop, a cooking class, a wine tasting, a pottery thing, a private tour, any of those things that you can arrange in advance for your partner, as long as you know that they're going to enjoy that. Or, if your partner wants to just chill, you know, maybe they just wanna hang out by the pool, but if that's true, set up a nice spot with their favorite books, their snacks, their coffee, their cocktails. Maybe even surprise them with some kind of a journal or a gift that they wouldn't have bought for themselves for that time and that space. Look, if you're at a resort, you can get help from the concierge to do this. They will help you set up a really nice experience. So I recommend that you think about that because when you do, what you're really saying is, "I value you enough to take this seriously and I value our time enough to make this work." So here's your challenge: Ask yourself, what kind of vacation do you actually need right now? Pick one from the list, plan it, schedule it. It can be a long weekend, a week long, or even a longer one, because if you want something better, you have to create space for it. And sometimes that starts with stepping away. That's it for me this week because I'm off practicing what I preach. I'll be back soon with fresh energy, maybe a story or two. One thing's for sure. I definitely have a deeper tan now than I did when I left Boston. Alright. I hope today's episode got you thinking. But you know, we can only do so much in an open forum like this. If you want to look at your specific situation, book in that free Relationship Reset Call. We'll figure out the next best move and set you on a path to a better relationship for both you and your partner. Again, you can just head over to relationshipresetcall. com and pick a time. You can also join our Passionate Partners Insider Community on Facebook. There's exclusive content and resources there. Or, visit our website or our social channels to learn more about our programs, workshops, and private coaching options. All the links to everything I mentioned plus my personal email are in the show notes. I'll be here whenever you're ready. Now I've got a quick request. I'd really appreciate your help spreading the word about Make More Love. First, if you haven't done it already, hit follow or subscribe on your favorite platform. It helps more people find the show and it also keeps you in the loop. Second, leaving a review would mean the world. It helps us grow our community and reach more people. And finally, if you know someone who is struggling in their relationship, then share the show with them. You might just change their life. Thank you so much for spreading the word. I believe you had good reasons for choosing your partner. My mission is to help you reconnect with those reasons and discover new ways to Make More Love in your life and with your wife. I'm Ellen Dorian and that's what I've got for you today.