51: Celebrating 50 Episodes and Answering Listeners' Relationship Questions

Welcome back to Make More Love. In this show, we share real strategies that help high performing men build passionate intimate relationships and live fulfilling lives. I'm your host Ellen Dorian. I'm both a relationship coach and a business coach, so I know how to handle all the crap that comes up when you're working to be the best at everything. So let's get into it. Last week we dropped the 50th episode of this show. How wild is that? Even with everything we've covered, I feel like we've hardly scratched the surface when it comes to men and business, ambition, relationships and passion. I've been busy gathering information and talking with real men: business owners, husbands, partners about what's going on in their real relationships. And today I'm gonna share three of the most powerful questions that came out of those conversations. If you've ever felt like you're doing your best to do everything right, this one is for you. Let's get into it. The first question comes from TJ who owns a general contracting firm in Boston. When I started my company, my wife supported me a hundred percent. But now it's six years later and things have changed. She never asks how it's going, and she seems angry with me for putting in the effort. But if I don't keep pushing, the business goes off track and I could end up losing everything. Why is this happening? And is it just me or do all business owners go through the same thing? "Hey, TJ. Thanks for being so open and so honest. First of all, it's not just you. I've heard this from more business owners than I can count. In the beginning, your partner was excited, you were in the dream stage and you were building that dream together, but then things shifted and the business got real. Now you're deep into implementing and you're doing that without her. And she's probably been implementing everything else without you. She's the chief operating officer of your life, managing the household, the kids, the logistics, the projects, the scheduling, the social calendar, the vast part of the mental labor So imagine this was your business partner and your business had built up in silos where different people responsible for different aspects of the operation weren't communicating or pulling in the same direction. You wouldn't just go, well, maybe this is how it is. You couldn't wait for it to go away. You'd call it out. and lead everyone back into alignment. So if you haven't been doing that at home, then why not? Maybe on some level, the stakes feel higher. In business, if you mess up, you pivot, you learn, you recover. But in your relationship, it's not so easy to just scrap your strategy. A mistake could be catastrophic, and if you're not sure of the solution, you might not wanna risk taking it on. But hiding from it doesn't make it any safer. You have to own the reality that even though your reasons are valid, your absence still has an impact. I'm not saying you should blame yourself for working hard, but if you want reconnection, you have to meet that truth without defensiveness. So stop waiting for an opening. Schedule a conversation with your wife, just like you would with your business partner. Then just put it on the table, not to explain, not to fix, not to defend, just to open the door. Something like this. "I don't like the direction our relationship is taking, and I don't want it to stay like this. What about you?" And if she agrees then you get to say, let's work together to turn it around. It doesn't have to be any more complicated or gut wrenching than that. Sometimes we overthink it and we allow the situation to escalate to the point where a simple conversation isn't gonna get the job done anymore. So we wanna nip that before it goes too far. I hope this helps. I'd love to hear from you. So send me an email and let me know how it goes Now, let's move on to the next question, and this one is a little bit heavier. It comes from BZ, who's the CEO of a tech startup. And he's really been through the wringer. He just signed on with me as a client, and I'm incredibly grateful he was willing to let me share part of this story. Here's what be BZ told me. "Honestly, I never saw it coming. I was doing my thing. Setting us up for the good life. I was in the flow. I didn't look left. I didn't look right. My only direction was straight ahead. And yeah, maybe I noticed a few things. I mean, yeah, I put on a few pounds, maybe I've missed a few date nights, but I figured, you know, short term sacrifices for long-term gain. Right. And I thought she got that. She wasn't complaining. She wasn't nagging. But then out of nowhere, she dropped this bomb. She wasn't happy. She hadn't been for a long time, and just like that she was out the door. I'm still trying to wrap my head around how I could have missed all the signs. I don't know how to move on, or even if I should, and since I didn't see this coming before, how am I supposed to keep it from happening again next time? BZ, man, I am so sorry this happened. I know you didn't want any of it. You were keeping your head down, trying to create a life that worked for both of you. And I can hear how gutted you are. I can just tell you're still reeling and I get it. Here's something you need to hear. You're not the first man this has happened to, and unfortunately you won't be the last. So here's the reality. A lot of women have been raised and conditioned not to complain, to be grateful to have a husband who's working so hard to provide for her. It's all tied up in that damn myth of the good provider. So by the time the woman works up the courage to bring up the subject, she's probably already past the point of no return. That's unfair, but unfortunately that's what happens and yeah, you didn't see it. Not because you didn't care, but because you were buying into the myth of the good provider too. Honestly, that myth has gotta go. I've talked about that before on this show. It poses a high risk to healthy, modern relationships, and we need something better. But let's hone in on your question. You're actually asking two things here. One is, how did I miss the signs? And Two, how do I make sure I don't screw up in the next relationship? I'm really glad that you asked that second question. It tells me that somewhere in the back of your mind, you're still open to having another relationship someday. You might not be ready now, and that's totally okay, but just having that thought is a good thing. And here's another good thing. The answer to both questions is the same. When you're laser focused on holding everything together in your business, it's almost impossible to see what's happening outside that bubble. Unless you have a foolproof system for communicating openly with your partner, you are bound to run into issues. So you need a framework for communication, just like you need best practices and SOPs in business. You already have something really important going for you. You have that discipline of not looking left or right, as you described. So let's take that and apply it to your relationship. Now that you're one of my VIP clients, I'm gonna help you implement a complete framework but for the show, I'm just gonna stick to the three parts that are most directly related to your question. The first part of the framework is a weekly planning session. That's one hour a week. Sit down with your partner and talk logistics for the upcoming week. Scheduling resources, deadlines, conflicts, non-negotiables, and where each of you need support or backup. So you're clearing the operational clutter together, and this is critical because it frees you up for part two, which is. Daily emotional connection. Even 10 minutes a day will make a world of difference if you do it right. And that means no distractions, be fully present and focused on what's uniquely beautiful and lovable about each other. Don't just default to "how was your day" or "what are you up to today?" You wanna ask questions that actually build connection, like "What was the best part of your day?" "What are you most looking forward to today?" "What's something that made you laugh?" "What's something you've been thinking about but haven't had a chance to say?" And be sure to include some affirmations. Something small but real like, "Dinner last night was amazing." That's my favorite dish. Or "Waking up next to you is the best part of my day." for me personally, it's Climbing into bed with my husband at the end of a long day. That's my favorite moment, and I let him know that both with words and with body language So let her know I see you, I value you. I choose you today and every day. And that leads to number three, which is date night. I encourage my clients to schedule a date night once every two weeks, and there's a reason for that. When you think about what you want date night to be, it becomes pretty obvious that you want it to be just the two of you. Right? And with our lifestyles, it's just not super realistic to have that kind of date night every week. But if you're going to make it only two nights a month you've gotta put some real intention into it. Not just dinner at the same old place, not Netflix and chill, but connection, fun play, and something that arouses desire. I've got a couple of episodes that talk about how to plan a good date night, and I also have a report on those seven date types that you need to master. So go to the show notes and get the links to all of those things. So in one hour a week plus 10 minutes a day. Plus one well designed date night, every two weeks, you can have a Bulletproof Communications framework for your relationship, not just to avoid being blindsided, but to create intimate intensity and to build the relationship you both wanna stay in forever. We're going to continue this conversation right after this message. A lot of you've been asking what happens when you work with me. Let me break that down for you. We don't just sit around talking and I don't just dish out advice. I work from a place of logic and strategies and solutions, because I believe the same strategies that solve business problems can be applied to relationships. So, you and I will team up to get a clear picture of what's really going on in your relationship. Then we'll pinpoint the top priorities to work on. We lay out a strategic plan to target the things that will actually make a difference. And then I'm right there with you, supporting you as circumstances change and helping you stay focused on what's important. You'll build new skills and strategies to get out of the rut and create the passionate partnership you crave. So if you're stuck in a loveless limbo, why would you want to stay there? Your first step out is easy. Set up a relationship reset call with me. It's free. It's quick. Just 15 minutes. Just you and me. You'll bring me up to speed. I'll let you know if I think I can help. And if not, I'll tell you that too. We'll work out one or two action steps to get you moving forward right away. And after that, if you want more help I'll let you know how to get it. Let's be honest. You already know what's at stake here. If you let your relationship fall apart, the cost to your financial, social, and emotional well being is ginormous. It's going to leave a permanent dent in your armor. So, let's not let that happen. Head over to relationshipresetcall.com And grab a spot. Let's get you back on track to make more love in your life and with your wife. And, we're back. This last question is from JQ. While JQ owns a high growth financial planning business, his concern isn't unique to business owners. Every couple goes through ups and downs in their sex life, and I have a feeling this one's going to hit home for a lot of you. Here's what JQ shared. We used to have this amazing physical connection. We were into each other. It was fun. It was hot, and now it's just not there. I know we've got a lot going on. I'm not blaming anyone, but the truth is sex has become the thing we used to have. I still want sex. I want her, but she's not interested anymore and I don't know what to do with that. I just want us to want each other again, but we're stuck in this loop. Too tired, too distracted, too busy. Repeat. And I keep wondering, is this it? Is this my life now? And how am I supposed to live with that? Hey JQ. Thanks for sharing, man. That's really raw and no, I don't think that it has to stay this way. The truth is, most long-term relationships take a series of hits when it comes to sex and intimacy. When you move in together, there's a surge at first, but then the comfort thing sets in and that sex life takes a hit. Getting married, another hit, having kids big hit. Building a business, managing a household, hit after hit after hit. And with every one of these hits, the physical connection gets buried under layers of responsibility, exhaustion, and distraction. What I hear from a lot of men is they're feeling rejected, undesired, invisible, disconnected, and maybe just a little scared that this is how it's gonna be from now on. And there's something that's even more devastating about this. A lot of men need physical intimacy to feel loved. If they don't have the physical, they can't feel the emotional side, and that's alienating in the worst way. The truth is that there are reasons it's happening, but there are also real ways to turn it around. So let's break this down The first reason is the myth of spontaneity. Sex was never actually spontaneous. When you first got together, you weren't spontaneous, you were intentional. You made plans, you dressed to impress, you flirted, you cleared your schedule. Hell you manscaped. You just didn't feel like you were working at it because it was new and it was exciting and you prioritized it naturally. Now your life is full. There's no room for sex to just magically happen. If you want desire to stick around long term, you have to create the conditions for it to exist, and that means time, thought, anticipation. Attention. It might not feel spontaneous, but that's grownup sexy. And it's what keeps your relationship from being roommates with a mortgage. The second reason is something I call the Four Thieves of Desire. You might have also heard me talk about it as "the other four horsemen." There are four patterns I see that slowly chip away at that sexual connection. The first one is neediness. Constantly seeking reassurance or validation in ways that exhaust your partner and kill attraction. The second one is childishness. Expecting your partner to manage you domestically, emotionally, practically, and instead of being an equal adult partner. The third one is apathy. Not putting in the effort, not being present, not planning anything romantic, not paying attention. The fourth one is transactionalism. That's treating sex like something that could be earned or exchanged. The classic example is, "well, if I help around the house, then maybe I'll get sex." These patterns lead to quiet disconnection where the relationship still functions on the surface, but the emotional and physical connection is gone. Or they lead to really explosive conflict. It feels like a rejection, like manipulation, like something precious is deliberately being withheld. And you might avoid each other entirely to prevent setting off that explosion. The point is, those dynamics are corrosive. But the good news is that they're not personality flaws. They're habits. And habits can change with awareness, intention, and the right tools. The third thing could be that you're neglecting your vitality. Your sex life doesn't just live in your relationship. It lives in your body, in your overall health. If either of you is struggling with physical, mental, or emotional health issues, your sex life will suffer. It could be stress, anxiety, burnout, hormone shifts, chronic illness, sleep issues. So these things can kill desire. But even worse, sometimes the desire is still there, but your body just won't follow through. And none of these are your fault, but it's a signal that you need to pay attention to your health. If vitality is the issue, this isn't the time to push harder for sex. It's the time to shift your focus completely. Make a pact with your partner. See the doctors get the labs done. Address the sleep, stress, nutrition, and movement issues. Support and Rebuild your systems together. because only when your vitality is taken care of, does your desire have a fighting chance. When you feel good in your body sex feels like play again. And I've got one more thing about our sex lives that nobody's talking about. We need to zoom out for a second. Because even if you do everything right, you're still stuck in a system that's working against you every day. The truth is that the system is broken in many cultures and in earlier generations there were caretakers, helpers, extended family, people who kept the household running so couples could focus on their own roles and responsibilities. But in modern Western culture, all of that has been stripped away. Now it's just two adults trying to run a household, raise a family, grow careers, maintain emotional stability, and keep a passionate. Hot sex life going without any structural support. And this is what no one says. We need caretakers in our world, and the caretaker role needs to be revived, revisited, and repurposed because modern relationships do demand more, more connection, more equality, more intimacy, more emotional depth. But we haven't rebuilt the support system to match those new expectations. This is the exact same problem I see in business all the time. Clients are running their companies too lean, they're trying to do too much without the right support. The same thing is happening in your relationship. So here's a real concrete solution that most people would never even think could be helpful to their sex life And that is to hire help, not just to clean your house or to babysit your kids, but to care for the adults. So that could be a household manager, a personal assistant, a concierge. I was just visiting my friends in New York. They have a doorman someone to coordinate the logistics of your life so you can focus on each other. Look. This show is targeted to high net worth individuals It makes sense to invest in the right support to make your life optimal. Because when there's someone tending to the system, that gives you the space to tend to each other. If desire feels far away, don't assume it's gone. You may just need to ask better questions. You might need to look at how you're showing up, and how you're treating each other. And most of all, look at how you're treating yourself. Reconnection is absolutely possible, but you have to make the space for it. You have to protect it from the thieves, and you have to fuel it with real energy and the right support. Alright. I hope today's episode got you thinking. But you know, we can only do so much in an open forum like this. If you want to look at your specific situation, book in that free Relationship Reset Call. We'll figure out the next best move and set you on a path to a better relationship for both you and your partner. Again, you can just head over to relationshipresetcall. com and pick a time. You can also join our Passionate Partners Insider Community on Facebook. There's exclusive content and resources there. Or, visit our website or our social channels to learn more about our programs, workshops, and private coaching options. All the links to everything I mentioned plus my personal email are in the show notes. I'll be here whenever you're ready. Now I've got a quick request. I'd really appreciate your help spreading the word about Make More Love. First, if you haven't done it already, hit follow or subscribe on your favorite platform. It helps more people find the show and it also keeps you in the loop. Second, leaving a review would mean the world. It helps us grow our community and reach more people. And finally, if you know someone who is struggling in their relationship, then share the show with them. You might just change their life. Thank you so much for spreading the word. I believe you had good reasons for choosing your partner. My mission is to help you reconnect with those reasons and discover new ways to Make More Love in your life and with your wife. I'm Ellen Dorian and that's what I've got for you today.