3: Why Should You Keep Working on Your Relationship?

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Welcome to Make More Love, the show for the entrepreneurial man who wants a hot and healthy marriage that will stand strong, even under the pressures of business ownership. I'm your host Ellen Dorian. My mission is to build a community for married businessmen. We explore skills and strategies to navigate your unique relationship challenges. Our personal growth tools align you with your true self, so you can be extraordinary in your marriage, in your business and in all areas of your life. Before we jump in, just a reminder that the Make More Love show is for information and entertainment purposes only. It's not a substitute for the guidance of a qualified healthcare professional. Today, we're going to take on a question that might well be on your mind. Faced with the relentless pressure and seemingly insurmountable challenges of both business and marriage, why should we keep trying to fix our relationship? Just the other day, one of my clients told me his wife had called him out over his low key approach to Valentine's day. It was just one of a long series of complaints she'd made over the past several months, concluding with the accusation that he was not putting enough effort into their relationship. Here's how that went: "How can she say I'm not putting in the effort? I'm up at 4 at work by 5, working till 6 at night and I'd work even more, but I want to see my kids before they go to bed. And then I want some cuddle time and a glass of wine with my wife. And then I gotta get into bed by 9 or 10, because 4:00 AM is coming again tomorrow and the next day, and the day after that. I'm doing all this to give her the life I promised her when I married her and make sure we never have to worry about finances. If she can't understand that, then what are we doing here, and why should I even bother staying?" Being a married business owner comes with a unique set of challenges. The stakes are higher. There's no safety net. You want the business to be successful and you want to have a life of love, appreciation, and mutual support with your wife. You probably know at least one if not many people in your world who have made a successful business, but at the expense of their marriage. Some people I know in the construction industry are on their third or fourth marriages, so we know that it's hard. It doesn't take that much for the relationship to go off the rails. You might have seen some signs, and you've likely tried a few things to put it back on track, but nothing really seems to stick. Your partnership feels like it's disintegrating and you may be questioning the viability of the relationship you believed in so strongly up to this point. So why persist? Why keep patching potholes when new ones keep showing up? The answers to these questions may well lie in something I call the Relationship Drive Matrix. I believe there are two drives that motivate us to get into relationships in the first place and that can also motivate us to keep working on them. Imagine a graph built on two axes. Yes, like you learned in high school geometry! Okay, the X-axis represents the emotional drive, which is to avoid pain and increase joy in your life. The Y-axis represents the social drive to reduce isolation and increase connection. So, what you have now is that graph with four quadrants that represent four relationship situations you might find yourself in. I hope you can see this in your head. So, In quadrant one, which if you're visualizing, this is probably in the lower left, we have the quadrant of sadness and loneliness. In this quadrant you're grappling with both emotional pain and a sense of isolation in your relationship. It's a stark reminder of why we yearn for more and why we seek to escape this desolate corner. In quadrant two, which if you're picturing this in your head, is the upper left quadrant. Here, you've got the structure of connection but there's no joy, which makes that connection feel more like a dependency and a liability. And, you may feel like a martyr to the cause of sticking it out in a marriage that isn't serving your higher needs. You may fall back on a sense of honor that keeps you in place. I think this is the trickiest situation to understand because in truth, all relationships go through periods of stability without joy. You'll have to reflect on if that's a temporary state in your relationship or a chronic one. So let's move on to quadrant three, which is seeking joy beyond the relationship. And that would be the lower right quadrant. This is a dangerous crossroads where the absence of connection, the isolation that you feel, and the search for joy potentially leads us away from our partners, risking choices we might later regret. This is a prime position for infidelity to creep in whether that's emotional cheating or physical or sexual connection with someone outside your marriage. I know infidelity is a very hot topic and we'll go in depth about it in a future episode. But I promise, as always this show is a no judgment zone. Whether you're considering stepping out or you've actually done it, what I care about is helping you find a way to recover the joy and connection of your marriage so you won't feel the need to go outside of it. That brings us to quadrant four- ideal joy and connection, which of course is the upper right quadrant. If we want to make more love, which is my mission, this quadrant is the place to be. It's where joy and connection intersect, forming the foundation of a resilient and rock solid relationship. Now don't get me wrong. It's not all sunshine and rainbows. There are plenty of challenges and potential for pain, but there's a foundation you can stand on to overcome those obstacles. Keep in mind that life is rarely as clean cut as geometry, so you may be straddling a few of them and you may float between a few of them. But get a sense for yourself about approximately which one of those four situations most closely resembles your current relationship. Our exploration of this matrix isn't just about avoiding pain or seeking pleasure. It's about understanding what's missing so we can build a partnership that can withstand the upheaval, the boredom, the crises, and the everything else that gets thrown at us, to help us keep coming back together to find connection and joy with each other. Now that we've laid out the landscapes of this Relationship Drive Matrix, let's talk about what it really takes to navigate those quadrants and find that joy and connection. It comes down to a journey of personal growth. The path to a hot and healthy marriage starts with your personal growth. It means having a good look at what led you to this point. What can you learn from the challenges you're facing now? Where could you direct your attention that would increase your power to remake your relationship? How can you give your partner more points of connection? And how can you do all of this even in the face of the huge demands of a growing business. These are questions that you'll need to ask yourself. And now I want to talk about the Power of One. Re-engaging in your relationship is a process of rediscovering the original spark, prioritizing your unique connection, and cultivating joy in each other's lives. But all of that begins with one simple choice: You must choose to tap into the Power of One... and you're the One. That's both the beauty and the challenge of my approach. The beauty is that it doesn't rely on anyone else but you. You have the power to bring forth change. And not only that, but you also have already mastered the skills you need to do it in other areas of your life. You just need to learn to apply those skills you've already mastered in this domain of relationship. So that's the beauty of it. And the challenge is you can't wait for anyone else to take the first step. That's going to be up to you. I'm going to be sharing all the whats and hows of how to do that in future episodes, so I hope that you will tune in. I want to leave you now with one action step you can take to move toward re-engagement. It should only take a few minutes and there's not a ton of writing. To do so I hope you'll give it a try. Pick a time when you're not being pulled in a million directions, maybe when you're sitting in your car before heading home or after you've been at the gym, or maybe just before you wind down for the evening... sometime when you can just focus for a couple of minutes. Now think about the most recent high point in your relationship, the last time you and your wife really clicked when everything felt right and you were both in sync. Okay. Do you got that? Hold that high point in your mind. And now let's flip it and think about a recent low point when you felt that sting in your gut, that sign that things were off kilter with your wife. I hope you've got that too. Next, try to remember when was the last time you felt like it was you and your wife against the world, having each other's backs? And once you've got that... When did you last feel that you were left to go it alone... when it felt like she was far away, even if she wasn't physically far away? Looking at those four points where would you place yourself on the grid? You don't have to plot it out on the graph. Just a gut check. Where do you think you're at? And then the next step is to think about one small thing you could do today. Like not with a huge amount of preparation or planning or anything, but just a small step you could take today that will move you in the direction you'd like your relationship to go. It could be as simple as just a text during the day to let her know you're thinking about her. Or it could be planning something that the two of you have talked about for ages, but haven't gotten around to doing. Anything that will bring you more joy or make you feel more connected with your wife is fair game. So once you've got that, just do that one thing. That's the next step. Do It. Once it's done what if any shift you have noticed as a result of you taking that one small action. Did it change the dynamic between you at all? And if it did, then does it spark another small move you could make? This is not about big grand gestures. This is adjust about tiny little steps. It would be awesome if you could share your experience either in the Insider Community or in a private email. As always, the links to all those things are in the show notes. All right. Here are a few key points from this episode that I hope you'll take with you: The first one is that it's natural to be frustrated if your relationship is not going the way you wish it would and your business is causing some of that. Totally natural. The second key point is about the relationship drive matrix. That is the drive away from pain and toward joy and away from isolation and toward connection, and the different scenarios that come into play around that. And the third key point is about the Power of One. It's about your ability to make small changes, and to be in control of what happens next in your relationship, and to have faith in yourself that you can do it, and to know that you already have all the skills you need to make that happen. And those are my three takeaways for you today. All right. If today's episode added value to your life, here are three quick ways to support the Make More Love show: 1 is to Follow and subscribe. That's a win for you and me. 2 Is to share this podcast with a friend who might be struggling in their love life. You could be a game changer for them. And 3 is to leave a review to help more men like you find and join our community of Relationship Rockstars. And now... here are three ways I can support you: One is you can visit our website or follow our social channels. Two is you could join our private and free Passionate Partners Insider Community on Facebook for exclusive content and resources. And Three... if you'd like to explore your specific situation, book a free Relationship Reset Call with me. Whether it's a minor tune-up or a major overhaul, we'll make a plan to get you back on track. My calendar link is in the show notes, along with everything else you need to find me, including all the links I mentioned today and my personal email. I'll be here whenever you're ready. This is Ellen, and that's what I've got for you today. Until next time, remember, "What I want most in the world is for you to Make More Love in Your Life and with Your Wife."